This is a good time to talk about waterfowl hunting.  That’s because it’s waterfowl season.  If you talk about these things during a special spring turkey season, nobody pays any attention.

            I could start off by telling you that waterfowl hunters are some of the most dedicated of all hunters.  They are also some of the most wet, cold, messy, well equipped, cold, warmly dressed and…still cold, did I mention that?  Of course that part depends in large part on the technique used to hunt waterfowl.  Let’s take an overview look at these sportsmen.

            Just like any hunting sport there are many of these hunters who use the modern, technological approach to goose hunting:  They drive around until they see something to shoot at.  Now, before we get too judgmental with these particular hunters, I should point out that most of us, at one time or another, while on our way to our favorite hunting slough, er, spot, have seen game which has caused us to stand on the brakes and leap from the vehicle with such haste that we miss park and accidentally engage reverse as we run off after what looks like a twenty pound Canada goose, thereby allowing the truck to idle backward off the road, down the ditch, through the fence and into the mud hole on the other side while we collect our trophy… Which turns out to be some other hunters’ expensive, amazingly lifelike decoy – which we are more than happy to trade back to him for a pull out of the mud.  But then, I’m guessing this has probably happened to you, too.

            Most ethical hunters, or at least those who are still making payments on their pickups, use some other approach to waterfowl hunting, such as a blind.  While this may sound like a lethal combination of a large bore scattergun and a complete lack of sight, it’s not really that dangerous.  The blind is nothing more than a stand or pit camouflaged by plant life and foliage common to the area.  The idea is that this type of cover the hunters are hidden from the sight of the birds flying overhead.  That’s the theory, of course, though it doesn’t explain why geese will fly at eye level across the latitudinal length of Nebraska, but lift to 18,000 feet over established blinds.  You can imagine an early, damp, blustery morning sitting in a frosty hole in the ground with a thermos of hot coffee and a chilled 12 gauge pump, concealed from everything but the icy wind and most airborne waterfowl.

            A number of hunters in swampy, marshy areas make use of a floating blind in the form of a flatboat which can be adorned with native aquatic plants so it looks like the surrounding reeds… except it moves and there are guys with coveralls and shotguns growing out of the middle of it.  This is another excellent method of hunting until you have to brace yourself in a small boat in order to fire a low gauge magnum.  It’s quite easy to lose your balance in this situation.  That’s where the cold and wet part comes into this technique.

            The style used most often by hunters who don’t want to just sit and wait; those who feel the need to be more active, who have the desire to take a more physical part in the hunt or, as they’re more commonly referred to, young fools, is the stealth approach method.  This consists of taking 53 minutes to crawl cautiously, infantry-like through the muck until 47 yards away from the point you’re trying to reach.  At this point, the birds will sense your closure, probably from the raspy, ragged breathing and take flight in the direction opposite your position.  Who even cares if this style is cold and wet?  Most of us just aren’t doin’ it!

            Now, I have mentioned the need for some specific items required for hunting waterfowl.  Easily the first among these requirements – and very few of you hunters with similar status would disagree – is permission from your spouse.  This is necessary to make the total experience a more pleasant one, if you know what I mean.  Written permission isn’t needed, though depending on your situation it may come in handy later on.

            The first actual hardware requirement is, naturally, a shotgun.  The 410 gauge, which works well for rabbits, squirrels and scaring birds away from your strawberries, should be left at home.  Also the 20 gauge which, while light enough to schlep around after partridge, grouse or even pheasant, probably won’t pack enough pellets or power to be effective against a high flying, densely muscled goose.  What you really need is at least a 12 gauge, preferably in a magnum.  Another option gaining popularity is the recently resurrected 10 gauge magnum which is increasingly accepted among those hunters who hunt from established blinds which, as I mentioned, prompt geese to fly at extreme altitudes.  This is because while geese are not highly intelligent, they are able, by instinct developed over millions of years, to draw rudimentary maps on the soft floors of shallow wetland areas and show their young the areas they need to avoid.  This is why you see them with their heads under water for long lengths of time…maybe.  Anyway, the 10 gauge packs a couple more pellets and a fair amount more power to help attain a bit of additional range.  This allows the sportsman to increase the misjudgment of the maximum range so he can waste more rounds when the geese are even further away.  An extreme option is an army surplus 105mm Howitzer with altitude sensitive exploding shells… but you still need to use steel shot and a plug for use in waterfowl season.

            A select type of hunter will use decoys.  These are available in many useful and effective variations, both in floating decoys and those designed for use in the open field.  Naturally, because people don’t shake their heads at obsessed hunters enough the way it is, these tools are available in some strange and downright laughable forms.  You can purchase very, very large goose decoys with bodies 3 or 4 feet or more in length.  The initiating idea here is that geese have no sense of proportion so they’re not going to notice that those geese down there with the high impact plastic sheen are three times larger than the rest of the guys in the gaggle (this is a translation from the original goose word meaning “Fraternal order of…”).  These ridiculously large decoys are extremely helpful when your lead goose at the time is near-sighted.  Also, should you have no established blind at hand in which to hide yourself and your howitzer and no tree line or brush to cover your presence, you can acquire a goose decoy engineered for you to hide in.  That’s right, a playhouse for waterfowl hunters; a goose fort complete with peep holes and a quick pop-top so you can get out and bag your prey before they have a chance to realize that this is the mother of all geese, Moby Goose, King Canada, the big… well, you have to be quick before they realize that if this goose wants this field then maybe they should just leave her to it and head to the next one.  Geese have no sense of proportion, but that doesn’t mean they’re stupid!

            Another accessible decoy which has the advantage of being simple to transport and deploy is what I call the “yard sign” type.  This decoy is presented in a waterproof photo quality print on a solid backing complete with a stake or two to anchor them in the ground.  They stack flat and go up fast.  The problem is, from where the hunter is standing they look like geese, but from the air, which is where a large percentage of geese fly, they look like flat boards with something on them.  They have been known to work, but mostly with developmentally impaired waterfowl or those with an acute sense of curiosity.  These decoys do look good, though, and are available in full color for an additional charge.  It should be noted, however, that snow geese are white and Canada geese are shades of grey and if that doesn’t keep you from spending the extra money, keep in mind that geese are color blind.

            The last important part of the gear package is the insulated coverall.  Proper waterfowl coveralls should be water repellant and insulated with a layering of waterproof down and feathers positioned in a common orientation…  Wait, these are coveralls the geese wear.  Your coveralls should be made of synthetics which supply water resistance and retain their isulative qualities when wet.  A few more of those double cheeseburgers and fries will offer additional insulation, but it’s easier to carry the coveralls.  In addition, it seems your coveralls need to be purchased in some registered camouflage pattern.  Before you go off to purchase the perfect color and pattern of expensive coveralls, you should know that they don’t really have a “real reed” or “corn stubble” pattern so you can hide effectively in a slough or furrow somewhere.  The color of your coveralls probably makes no difference as long as they’re warm, but many of you do want to be fashionable in the field

            Now, if you really wanted camouflage goose hunting coveralls, you would set up your decoys and sit in the midst of them wearing coveralls with geese all over them.  Sure they look like ‘jammies with feet, but come on, if a goose the size of a Buick will work, so will these!