It is the American Expanse.  It is the Buffalo Commons.  It is the Great Plains.  It is windy!  Those of you living in the Plains states may have already noticed this.  Oh, the wind doesn’t blow all the time.  On very rare occasions it stops momentarily in order to change directions.  There are a number of reasons for the incessant wind:  the prevailing weather patterns, the central continental location and of course, the fact that there’s not a darn thing out here to stop it, such as hills or trees.  It’s kinda’ like the far straight-away at Indy – the wind comes out of that second turn across the Rockies and it’s open throttle all the was to the Appalachians.

          It’s true the wind is often a nuisance.  For one thing, it’s hard on vehicle mileage because regardless of where you’re going, by some strange corollary of Murphy’s Law, the wind is almost always blowing from the direction in which you are driving.

          Working in high winds is also difficult.  The occasional highway worker you see leaning on a shovel is usually doing so to keep an upright position in the wind.  The standing around part is a formal occupational position required by the contract of the Affiliated Brotherhood of the Union of National Roadworkers Amalgamated, or some such non-labor union.  Still, the shovel is quite helpful.

          Studies also show that high winds cause severe damage to sensitive hair, causing drying and breaking and leading to split ends…  Hey, if the hair-care industry can generate three quarters of a billion dollars in sales a year, I can at least mention it.

          My point is, since the wind is there all the time, in some velocity or another, I propose we make the best of it.  For example, birds, raptors especially, will make use of the wind to simply hang on an updraft, appearing to be frozen in one place in the sky.  Once, when camping near a steep canyon, my buddy, Ed, and I spotted a hawk hanging above the canyon rim for the best part of the day.  When the sun went down and the wind shifted, the thing dropped like a rock.  Apparently the old guy suffered a heart attack or some catastrophic bird stroke while gliding and just stuck there until the wind changed.  I’m sure he wasn’t there for more that a day or two.

          Anyway, rather that complain that the wind caused your golf ball to slice (even though your ball drifts the same way regardless of wind direction), I think we should utilize the wind in sports where it is a vital part of the game.  My thought was to make use of the wind, much as the hawk does.  Obviously, hang gliding is one way people make use of the same winds.  This is a good idea, but those of you who actually live in the plains states may have noticed a predominant lack of elevation usually necessary for this sport.  So…

          How about bicycle hang gliding?  Down a good steep hill into a stiff wind and becoming airborne should be no problem.  There could be distance glides or shortest take-off contests…perhaps even least injury events.  Now I haven’t actually attempted this so I don’t know how hard the landings would be, but I don’t think the injury rate would be any higher than, say, that of chute-less sky-diving.

          Those people into the shooting sports could organize windage shoots.  In this competition, contestants could shoot for accuracy at w-i-d-e targets in a heavy crosswind.  Different competitive groups for different caliber weapons would be necessary.  A 30-30, for example, has a larger cross-section than, say, a .243 and would require more adjustment for windage.  Actually, a 30-30 has a larger cross-section than a giant Maldanian sea bat (league approved) and, without maximum charge, it flies a bit slower as well.

          This type of contest would not be affected much by high-tech sighting equipment such as laser sights.  To understand the reason for this, we must look at the photon, which is either the basic sub-atomic particle which makes up light or one of the secret ingredients in the Kentucky Fried Chicken recipe.  Whichever, this particle is more aerodynamically shaped and thus somewhat less susceptible to wind drift than the metal projectile fired from the firearm.  Because of this, while the laser dot may be on the target, the projectile might strike elsewhere…like Peoria.

          Another possible wind sport would be whitecap fishing tournaments.  This is not really a new idea.  It’s common to see die-hard fishermen, determined not to allow cancellation of their favorite pastime, riding the boat like a saddle bronc, steering wheel in one hand, rod & reel in the other.  An organized endeavor in this sport would require a field or designated fishing boundary of relatively small size.  The size of these boundaries would change in proportion to wind velocity – funnel cloud activity would make the whole lake fair territory.  Whichever team stays within their “field” without being blown out would win.  If there were actually more than one team successful, without anchor, the tie could be broken by actually comparing the fish.

          On second thought, it may not be a good idea to make fishing a territorial sport.  Some fishermen are rather protective of their secret fishing holes the way it is.  If we start setting any type of formal boundaries, we could prompt a spontaneous windage shoot.

          Okay then, how about rock drifting?  This particular sport would require, A) a rock, and B) a tree or tall platform of some type.  Whichever method of vertical support you choose, a uniform height should be used.  This will keep national comparisons consistent.  The same type and weight of rock should also be used.  This is necessary because different minerals have different mass and would this be affected in different degrees by the wind.  Proof of this can be found in one of the laws of physics which states that any action creates an equal and opposite reaction…or maybe E=MC²…or what goes around comes around.  Some such law like that, anyway.

          With a target site directly below the drop platform, a participant would strive for distance from the target center.  Keep in mind that the rock must be dropped, not thrown.  The weight must move from a vertical path by natural means.  The skill in this sport would be the reading of the wind gusts and understanding the gravitational effects.

            Now at this point you may be saying to yourself or your loved ones, ”Where the heck does gravity come in?  I thought we were talking about wind?”  Correct you are and I thank you for paying attention.  However, it occurred to me as I conducted my usual intensive research that gravity, a normally constant force of nature, is subject to an odd variation which may affect this wind sport.

          I have discovered through experimentation and observation that the gravity under any table or support object with which you are working, pulls at an angle directly toward a point on the floor at the center of the table.  This can be empirically tested by dropping a fork, piece of bread, computer screen eraser or whatever, while in the vicinity of the table.  Invariably (which is a scientific word for “almost always”), the object will fall well under the table, even though it never touched anything on the way down.  This will cause you to forcibly smash the back of your head while retrieving the object.  And THAT’S why we’re talking about gravity.