Another holiday is fast approaching.  Actually, since standard time measurements are used in the case of holidays as well as other days, I think they’re all approaching at about the same speed, so I don’t know why people say that.  Some, like St. Patrick’s Day, 2028, are still quite some time off, but the speed of approach is pretty much consistent.

To visualize this let’s say you’re waiting in Kansas.  A passenger train leaves New York heading west and another leaves Los Angeles heading east.  Both trains are moving toward you at the same speed.  Which one will pick you up first?  Well, neither one probably, since passenger trains don’t stop many places in the Midwest anymore.  But my point is forgotten already, so I’ll just go back to where I started.

Presidents’ Day, Martin Luther Kings’ Birthday, Ash Wednesday or Groundhog Day in Canada (where, in some locales a bear is often used as a substitute for a groundhog – more exciting when trying to determine if the creature saw his shadow, I would guess).  Just look at your calendar!  If those calendar people were doing their jobs there’s probably a holiday every week or so – more if they searched other countries for reasons to fill that little space below the number.  Even discounting the holidays of minimum importance still leaves you a formidable barricade of notable days to, er, note.  These days of note have come a long way from their original intention, which was to allow an extra day for people to rid themselves of their excess cash by going shopping and buying things they really wouldn’t need if they didn’t have so much leisure time on their hands like they do when they get a holiday every few weeks.  Well, actually, that reasoning came later on…I really just used that as a literary “hook” to keep you, the reader, interested while I went through the boring history stuff.

The holiday began as a “holy-day”; an early civilized need to celebrate the mysteries of nature, the inherent awareness of the existence of a supreme deity and a darn good reason to have a party (keep in mind the Super Bowl had not yet emerged from the negotiation stages).  It was no accident that the first holidays, or holy-days, coincided with natural events such as the equinoxes or the day of the death of a chieftain or “the falling of the light from the sky” (most likely a meteor, though the stone tabloids of the day reported it as a visit from the gods and some lunatic from the other side of the woods claimed he was abducted and held for days).  These occurrences were still unknown, supernatural events attributed to the whims of the gods – something these early tribes could not understand…much as adolescence is in today’s’ society.

The organization of religions brought uniformity in the placement of holy days.  Many still coincide with natural events, such as the placement of Christmas near the winter solstice or the 4^th of July on the actual day of July fourth, which is, it turns out, a naturally occurring day.

In modern cultures, religious celebrations are some of the most prominent of days, but they are no longer the only holidays you need to remember.  Now we have days to note events or people and, of course, governmental holidays, which use taxation, secret federal laboratories, advanced military technology and, I believe, mirrors to make most of these days fall on Monday.  Some, such as Thanksgiving, Independence Day and religious holidays like Christmas still fall on days at the whim of the calendar but as technology improves these days, too, will fall on Mondays.

Today most governments and religions have their own holidays and while many have pockets of commonality around the world, New Years Day is the only formal holiday celebrated by nearly all cultures worldwide.  Even China now recognizes the first day of January as the beginning of the New Year.  Traditionally, however, China has held the year to begin on “Moon Day”, the first day of the first lunar moon…following the third Sunday after you pass Park Place and Boardwalk with hotels.  This is always somewhere between January 21^st and February 9^th.  It’s ambiguous, true, but it really spreads out the celebration if you start on December 31.

Most holidays, obscure or not, have another thing in common – they are slow to die.  For example, one or two Nordic countries still celebrate St. Knut’s Day, the day in the year 1038 that Canute the Great (I’ve never heard of him, either, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t a great guy.) decreed that fasting between Christmas and Epiphany should be eliminated.  Now since Epiphany, considered the 12^th day of Christmas, falls on January 6^th it’s no wonder people called him a Saint and honored him with a day of his own.  I would guess people got a little irritable near the end there…not to mention hungry.  This holiday is still recognized in its native country.  Today, however, it’s the day to get rid of your Christmas tree, if you haven’t already done so.  Not much of an honor for St. Knut, but at least they remember him which is more than you can say for his predecessor, Olaf the Thin.

Another example of holiday passé’ is Boxing Day, once noted throughout the British Empire.  At one time this day, December 26^th, was the day a small box was passed to collect donations for postmen, dustmen and other menial laborers.  Nowadays it’s the day people box up their gifts and return them for cash refunds.

Russia is the home of Clean Tent Day.  This was way up north in the hinterlands of what is now Siberia and took place when the polar sun first appeared after the polar winter.  When this occurred the Shaman of the tribe sat in a tent for 3 to 9 days waiting for a vision.  I assume since he couldn’t go out to have lunch or go ice fishing or stop at the pool hall he did the dishes and laundry and dusting and such and that’s where the name came from…it’s just a guess.

Not to be forgotten is the chrysalis of the day of Candlemass, celebrated to commemorate the presentation of Jesus in the temple.  While this is obviously a Christian day of note, which was recognized in many countries, we must blame the Scots for bringing it to us as we recognize it today.  According to an old Scottish couplet;  “if Candlemass is fair and clear, there’ll be two winters this year.”  (Note:  this rhyme must be spoken in a Scottish brogue, but the reader – that’s you – needs to supply that.)  Apparently on that first February 2^nd, when the priest came out of the temple, he saw his shadow and there was a long winter.  In modern times priests have many other important duties and this task has been relegated to a groundhog.

This is just a tiny sampling of the holidays there are to contend with throughout the year.  To accurately estimate the true number, I have used scientifically proven formulas to establish a figure of either 35, which is the number of pre-printed notations in my pocket calendar, and 4,682, which is the largest number I came up with during my calculations.  In order to contend with this extreme grouping I have developed a simplified approach to classification that drastically reduces the number of notes you will need to leave yourself.

The first category is the Day-off holiday.  This one is extremely easy because people have a tendency to remember when they can sleep all morning.  If you happen to forget that it’s a holiday you will be reminded when you get to work and there’s no one else there.  Forget trying to keep track of this one – it’ll take care of itself.

The next grouping covers the Celebrating holidays.  This includes things like New Years Day and Christmas and Thanksgiving and the 7^th anniversary of winning the city bowling tournament, depending on how desperate you are to have something “meaningful” in your life to celebrate.  These are days which may require some preparation and generally call for you to get together with family or friends and eat and drink a bit too much – usually to a point where you feel sluggish and dull and you can barely move without extreme effort and good reason, like, if you need another beer.  These holidays normally involve an invitation so you don’t have to worry about these, either.  Someone will call you and tell you what to bring.

Finally – and this the most critical and difficult category – are the “need to remember” holidays.  These are mostly contrived holidays thought up by people who are now wealthy from selling paraphernalia associated with the holidays, which they made up solely because they felt these people needed recognition.  Days in this category are Mothers’ Day, Fathers’ Day, Valentines’ Day, Secretary’s’ Day, Bosses’ Day, the Rude-Kid-Behind-the-Counter-At-the-Fast-Food-Restaurant Day, etc.  Personal holidays such as birthdays and anniversaries also fall into this realm.  You don’t need me to tell you how important it is to remember these days to help ensure the smooth operation of all your personal relationships…but I’ll tell you anyway.  This is REALLY important, okay?

My recommendation is to immediately go through your new calendar and highlight these days.  If you happen to be the kind of person who only looks at each day as it arrives, I’d further suggest placing a warning marker maybe a week before each day you need to remember.  This will give you ample time to forget to send your mother a Mothers’ Day card, but enough time to think up a good excuse.

Please be sure to set aside, in some special way, the days involving your spouse or sweetheart.  Perhaps mark these days in red or use some other danger sign to attract your attention.  You may want to simply clip a check or cash to these days so you know you need to buy something thoughtful.  You may even want to write down some considerate gifts under these days so at the last minute you don’t lose much of your cognizant abilities under the pressure and buy her another fishing rod or, worse yet, a new iron (nice job, Bonehead).

Hopefully some of these tips and informational notes will be of help to you.  Naturally you will find some holidays will cover more than one category, such as Christmas, which covers all three.  This system has, however, worked well for me and with some modifications may be able to help you as well.

…Please forgive me if you don’t get a birthday card from me, though.  The little squares under the numbers on my calendar are such a mess with notes that I can’t really read everything.