Another election is approaching.  It’s the time of year we are inundated by obnoxious media advertising.  I’m not referring to politicians… they’re obnoxious all the time.  I’m talking about the new car ads in which every automobile manufacturer, including some which have been out of business for years, tout their new model year designs as the ultimate in vehicle production and you’ll never want to buy another car, ever, so long as you live until maybe next year when they come out with an even better design.  Some of them may actually believe it themselves.  You’d think they had received divine blueprints with measurements in cubits, or their metric equivalents.

          But let’s be honest – these trapezoid transportation tins (sorry) have come a very long way since the first Model T rolled off the assembly line, which was a long time ago; before the alphabet was even placed in the current order because the Model T was followed by the Model A, but that’s another story, I think.  Since that time many advancements have been made in aerodynamics, suspension, automotive electronics, manufacturing efficiency and, most important from the auto company’s point of view, financing.

          Take the shape of cars, for example.  The first motorized vehicles were highly angular, squared off boxes – basically, they were what they were called – a horseless carriage.  And if you drove one, you’d know what they meant.  These first autos would go from 0 to 20 in maybe 4 minutes.  NO horses at all.  You couldn’t squeal the tires or jump speed bumps or generate high insurance rates or anything.  Anyway, once they advanced to better steel working technology the cars began to grow more rounded… and then they got squared and angular again, and then rounded, and then…  Well, I guess the styling advancements didn’t really go anywhere, but the vehicles have become lower to the ground and more aerodynamically friendly.  This is achieved by placing a model of the vehicle in a tunnel and blowing large amounts of air at it.  Then they just chop off the corners that don’t act dynamic.  It’s an intense and highly scientific thing, but it helps cars become more fuel efficient, better handling, quieter and have 1/3 less fat.

          Another very visible change is color.  Henry Ford first said about his pioneer, mass-produced automobile that it was available in any color, “as long as it was black.”  With advances in pigmentation, chemical bases and polymer coats, cars today can be purchased with solid or metallic colors in a plain blue to a radiant teal or a pearl opalescent white or any color in between.  Except black.  I don’t know if you can get just plain black anymore.

          Which brings us to the personalized part of the car; the part which makes your vehicle different from every other car in the country… the options.  The first production automobiles had very limited options available.  Basically you had the option of buying one or not.  Eventually the manufacturers began to offer certain choices when you purchased one of their cars.  At first it was simple things, like, do you want a top or not?  Do you want a few seats or a whole bunch?  Do you want regular or decaf?  Today you can choose from a cornucopia (this is a word I found in a Pilgrim dictionary.  It means “a lot”) of choices from color and trim to suspension packages and satellite link road service systems.  This last item is a real option on certain up-scale models (READ: expensive cars).  If you signal that you have experienced a breakdown or need emergency services, a control center receives your exact location via satellites in geosynchronous orbit.  Then they laugh heartily because their primary job is remotely opening doors for morons who lock their keys in the car.  [alt.:  because their primary job is dealing with multi-gazillion dollar equipment and they’re not really concerned with your $40,000 car.  Still, they will call someone and have assistance on its way to you within 20 minutes… 48 hours, tops.]

          Some options offered over the years have disappeared, like the swiveling drivers’ seat which made it easier for the operator to hit their knees on the steering wheel, or the steering coordinated headlights which shone in the direction the vehicle was turned… such as the eyes of the oncoming driver.  These were not bad options, just not government mandated, not very popular or, like the am/fm 8-track stereo with 29 channel citizens band radio, not popular for very long.  The really popular options, such as the radio or power assisted disc brakes replacing regular hydraulic drum brakes, eventually became standard features.  The manufacturers keep notes on these things and if, over a period of several years the public orders, say, 92% of all cars with am/fm stereo valve stems, it makes good business sense to offer this as a standard feature thereby lowering the overall cost due to volume sales and only torquing off the 8% of the people who wanted the car without the am/fm stereo valve stems who now have to pay more for the vehicle than they originally planned, but less than they would have had to had they added this option before it was a standard feature…  See?

          Another mass production sales technique the automobile companies use to reduce the price to you, the victim, er, consumer, is to offer option “packages.”  This works in much the same way as making items “standard features.”  If most of the cars ordered have air conditioning, power windows, power door locks and little buttons in the glove compartment to open the trunk accidentally while you’re nervously trying to locate your vehicle registration and proof of insurance, then the people in the statistical note department at Standard Autos will recommend that all these items be included in an option package.  In this way, these options will cost you only $1,868.47 instead of the total individual price of $1,876.18, thereby resulting in a substantial savings and helping to individualize your car with options for less money.  Of course, that makes your individualized car pretty much the same as everyone else’s and you’ll have to put one of those antennae decorations on it to find it in the parking lot.

          Finally, the major breakthrough in automotive technology is in the area of financing.  This is due to minor adjustments in banking practices and computerization and huge advances in automobile pricing.  Let’s face it; at $50,000 most people wouldn’t have a new car if they couldn’t stretch the payments out over a little longer time frame… like the Jurassic Period.

          So park an older car next to a shiny new model with swoopy lines and ergonomic design, scratch resistant paint and high fuel efficiency, state of the art safety features and a sound-deadening passenger compartment.  Compare the two.

          What do you see?

          I see that one of these cars is paid for and the other soaks up most of my future retirement funds.