My dad called me on the phone the other day.  Do I want to go deer hunting this year?  Sure…but I thought I missed the application deadline.  After all, there’s no snow on the ground anymore – I was sure the last day to file was long past.  I never even think of putting in for a tag until at least 2 or 3 weeks after the last day.  No, says my dad, we’ve still got a week.  Sounds great, said I…Maybe I should go get a basic hunting license?!

I enjoy hunting, probably because it’s something I do with my Dad.  More than that, I enjoy the outdoor activity.  Still, it’s something I plan for about as much as an appendectomy.  Also, unlike pheasant season, deer hunting is not something you can write in ink on your calendar since your application may not be drawn.  Then you’ve got a weekend set aside for nothing and you’ll probably wind up doing chores or going shopping.  Of course, you could just not mention the fact that you didn’t draw a tag and take the weekend to go out and play cards with the guys.  But then, now that I’ve mentioned it and your wife may have seen it, I would advise against that plan.  Sorry.

I usually give the meat to other family members since I don’t have much use for the venison.  Neither my wife nor children care for it, commenting it tastes similar to “Goodyear” steak no matter how I prepare it.  I don’t think this is true, but then I have never sampled or prepared “Goodyear” steak before.  Maybe it’s something my wife makes when I’m gone hunting.

Since I don’t use the deer myself it would be useful to employ a recently popular fishing method, but I don’t think it would transfer well to hunting.  After all, there are some vital differences between “catch and release” and “shoot and release”.  Perhaps tranquilizer guns could be used.  The hunter could have his picture taken with the incapacitated deer as proof of a successful hunt after which the unharmed deer could stagger off with a glassy look in its eyes.  Of course, this wouldn’t do anything for the control of deer populations and it could cause a previously unheard of wildlife drug problem with deer standing around waiting to be shot.  Maybe somebody could work on that.

Anyway, I generally have pretty good luck in drawing a deer license.  I’m sure the fact that I don’t apply in the years that I wouldn’t get one is a factor.  In addition, my application is always for the most remote areas on the map.  These areas are sometimes so remote that you can’t even find them except on the map.  Should this strategy continue to be successful, we will receive our tags and preparations can begin.

The first thing is to do the fall check on the rifle, which can be found in the gun cabinet where I placed it after the last time I went hunting – three years ago.  The firearm is not loaded.  I always unload it at least three times before I bring it in the house, as much to keep a loaded weapon from an irate spouse as to have guns and ammo locked away from the kids.  I find this practice can settle the mind a great deal when your wife finds out you bought a different boat trailer instead of a new dishwasher.

At any rate, the clip is removed and the chamber is empty – except for the dirt, grit and residue left there from the last outing.  Now is the time when it occurs to me that I haven’t cleaned the rifle since before the last time I sighted it in for deer hunting.  Now is when I remember that I told myself last time I would clean the rifle when I got home from hunting.  Now is also when I tell myself that I’m going to clean the rifle as soon as I get home from…you see where this is going, don’t you?

Once the firearm is cleaned and prepared for sighting-in, it’s necessary to decide which ammunition to use.  You may find some half-shot boxes left over from past hunting excursions – some of which may actually fit modern firearms.  It’s a good idea to use this ammo for something other than big game hunting.  While it’s nice to have old ammunition as an excuse, er, reason for not being totally successful in your hunt, it’s not worth the stress of a misfire while standing 50 yards away from that buck no one has ever shot ‘cause it was so big they thought it was an elk.

After you have chosen your ammunition, you’re ready to sight in your rifle.  Most hunters use 100 yards as a target distance when sighting for deer.  By use of some little known neo-algebraic formula, this same 100 yards is often recalculated to equal anywhere from 250 to 600 yards after the rifle is fired at an actual deer.  I believe this is the same formula used by politicians at election time when they tell us how much they’ve done for us and how much money they’ve saved us.

When sighting in your rifle you should use a seated bench rest position, if possible.  Obviously you won’t be able to fire from these ideal conditions in the field, but this will allow you to adjust your firearm to its greatest accuracy.  Also, you will be certain that it’s not your rifles’ fault when you can’t hit a 300-year-old oak tree at 50 yards.

Since wild game is not aware that it is supposed to appear at precisely 100 yards from a given hunter, it is a good ides to understand the principals of windage and projectile drop for your particular rifle and cartridge.  Even if you memorize the statistics tables it’s still necessary, in the field, to determine your distance from the target.  Some people have great difficulty with this task.  If you think the average automobile is 50 feet long or the distance between Tucson and Tuscaloosa is a spelling error, perhaps you should consider acquiring a focal range finder.  This item, which works on the same principle as binoculars, will tell you the distance to the point of focus.  Of course, by the time you dig out your range finder, set your focus, check your distance and raise your rifle, the deer will be gone and the other wilderness creatures will be standing in a rough semi-circle, staring, wondering what the heck it is you’re trying to do, anyhow?!  Let’s face it; this would look rather foolish if any other hunters saw you.

There are other technological advances, which are designed to assist the hunter.  The laser sight is one such invention, but laser light tends to drop less in 400 yards than the average metal projectile so distance is still a factor.  Your long range shooting may not improve with such a system, but your outfit will really look impressive to other hunters – some of whom can hit a prairie dog at 400 yards in a stiff wind without ap scope.

For those of us who still have trouble, perhaps further advances are warranted.  Maybe something in the line of a radar-based, deer-identifying mine system.  Or tactical nuclear hunting rounds for your 30-06.  Just think…not only would you get your game without a direct hit but the venison would already be cooked and you’d have cleaned out the shelterbelt at the same time.