I sat near a guy at the bar the other day…  And yes, considering my orientation that’s not optimum positioning, but all I was after was a beer, so there’s that.  Anyway, it was a common, national brand BWWing place and the guy ordered wings with the feature sauce which, I can only imagine, surprised him by its, um… veracity.

Now, he consumed them in a manly manner.  And by this I mean he was sweating profusely and refused to accept any soothing fluids or suggestions, choosing rather to suffer in macho muteness rather than allow others (this primarily means “pretty young women”) to see him exhibit any weakness.  This is almost always a poor approach; mostly because it doesn’t work.  Instead of showing an attractive machismo it simply spotlights a pathetic idiocy…  But then, those terms are basically synonymic; you know…the same.

As interesting as this episode was, in a hilarious sort of way, it set me to thinking… yeah, don’t make fun of that.  If it weren’t for my thinking and putting this crap through a keyboard, you would revert to making fun of handicapped people and geeks, which now days is, for the first, politically incorrect and for the second, not a good idea since it will result in you never again owning a working computer.  Anyway, it got me to thinking about why.   As in, why would anyone add battery acid to their tortilla chips and decide, “Hey, that’s pretty good!”  So, since you didn’t research this stuff and send me an email to fill me in, I determined to ferret out this information.

The origins of the use of excessive spice application are kind of muddled, at least in the easily accessible information found on the internet.  Granted, there could be some highly classified material in a highly secure database that would be in simple 12 keystroke reach of a fourteen year old digital wizard, but I can’t think of any good reason to keep this information from the public at large.  We’re already stupid enough as it is and I can’t imagine any weaponizable reason not to tell the public why some ancient civilization chose to give themselves mouth blisters.  What I DO believe is that academia simply hasn’t found the answer because, unlike the discovery of the Ark of the Covenant, it wouldn’t make a good movie (hash tag, Indiana Jones).

What I DID find, however, was a combination of solid scientific discovery and educated guesswork.  Basically, the scientific community is kind of sold on the idea that the use of spices was due to the need to preserve food, since very few prehistoric cultures had iceboxes, refrigerators or freeze-drying technology.  The thought is that early civilizations found that food which was treated with certain herbs would inhibit bacterial growth and remain palatable for longer periods.

Okay, while they didn’t really know anything about bacterial growth, they did know that, as the food aged, some of it got to tasting really sketchy.  If you treated the foodstuffs with peppers, salts maybe some herbs you hadn’t smoked last night, it got rid of the questionable taste and even made the meal more interesting – kind of.  Eventually, someone noticed that fewer people were dropping dead from gastrointestinal issues… or whatever they called it at the time.  But then again, maybe they just didn’t have many choices in what to eat:

”We’ve got these shell-things we dug out of the sand by the water.  Just pry it apart with a sharp rock and swallow this snot-stuff inside.  Try it!”

“Uh, no, that’s okay.  I’ll just eat these green things that burn off the inside skin in my mouth and make my teeth soft.  I’m good…”

Modern scientific research finds that there actually is some anti-bacterial benefit to using many of the culinary additions cultures have derived over the years.  Physically, there are proven anti-obesity, anti-inflammatory, anti-oxidant and anti-carcinogenic benefits resulting from the use of many spices, particularly some of the hot ones.  There is also a verified correlation as an aid against pregnancy.  I think, however, that has more to do with an increase in eye-watering halitosis than an actual method of contraception.  Just a guess on my part.

While science hasn’t unearthed the exact reason humans began incorporating these flavors into their diet, they have amassed a great deal of quantifiable data regarding the sales figures of these foods and current contemporary use of these flavors.  Also just general information, but, ya’ know, if there’s no money in it…  For instance, the chemical that causes the heat you feel when eating that habenero is capsaicin.  This is a chemical that the plant developed over time as a protective method to keep you FROM EATING IT!!!  This shows, along with social media, politics and the popularity of the Kardasians, that evolution doesn’t always work.

As would be expected, once there was notice that one pepper seemed hotter than another, someone had to construct a numerical scale to use as a comparison base in order to have a scientific way to win bar bets.  That task was accomplished in 1912 by Wilbur Scoville, a pharmacist in the employ of Parke-Davis Pharmaceuticals.  Wilbur’s scale measures the chemical results in a subjective way using Scoville Heat Units or SHU’s.  This scale runs from 0 (basically, water) to “AAARRHHHH!!!!!” (Infinity).  Presently, the highest rated source on this scale is the Dragon’s Breath pepper at 2,480,000 SHU’s.  This statistic could, however, change before I reach the end of this sentence.  To put this in perspective, a jalapeno, at its hottest, is about 20,000 SHU’s and a habanero chili tops at about 350,000.  2.48 million is basically airplane paint remover…except more noxious.

This glimpse into the science behind the heat leads us naturally back to the question alluded to at the beginning – why would anyone want to eat this stuff if they didn’t absolutely have to?  Well, cultural upbringing is one reason.  Those cultures in which the foods in question are traditional are more likely to be desensitized to their effects.

“Eat your jalapeno casserole or I’ll let your brother have your Cayenne cake!”

This is popularly known as the “Pink Floyd Effect”, and if you don’t know what that is, it may take you some research.  Here’s a hint:  play, “The Wall.”

Culinary psychologists (no, I am absolutely NOT kidding.  There are people who have managed to sell themselves as “Culinary Psychologists.  And you thought being a “celebrity chef” was a useless, made-up job!) have found a correlation between spicy foods and a risk-taking personality.  So I can conclude that my bar-mate with the over spicy wings was actually a risk-taker.  A man with a need for excitement.  A “James Bond” type personality without the exacting job.

He shouldn’t have listened to his “culinary psychologist.”   His risk-taking personality would have been better served if he had jumped out of a perfectly good airplane instead.