I wrote a check the other day.

          “That’s old school!” you’re thinking to yourself.

          Well, okay.  I’ll give you that.  But, like you and millions of others I still write checks once in a while, sometimes quite a few.  I’m also pretty good at most of them, managing to fill in all of the little lines with the appropriate information, such as the date, the amount, the person for whom the funds are intended and my name in longhand which no one at the bank ever checks against a signature card anyway or they would know that “L…” is not my complete name OR official signature.  I’ve even gotten to the point where I fill in that short “note” line in the lower left-hand corner with some cryptic phrase that I won’t be able to read or remember when I get the check back.  Using this line makes you look organized, however, and the appearance of organization gets you, maybe 6.3% of the way there…wherever “there” is.

          The particular check in question was different in that it was a bit larger than my usual check – and, even though I was sure I had done so, I actually forgot to enter it into my check register.  It is possible that the entry into the register experienced “spontaneous erasure”.  This is a para-scientific phenomenon which takes place when random molecules on the surface of the paper begin to dissipate for no reason at all, taking with them the ink which was written on top of them.  This can cause a chain reaction which may take out one or even more lines in your check register.  It seems to strike harder at youthful subjects where it often wipes out whole homework assignments.

          Anyway, for those of us who carry an average daily balance in our checking accounts of $462,186.43, this is not likely to be a problem.  Those of us, however, who normally keep an account which ranges in the neighborhood of “excuse me, but I have to get this deposit to the bank before 3 o’clock”, generally know what it means to “balance” our checking account.

          Timing was actually the biggest problem – aside from the fact that I am, personally, too cheap to spend the extra money on duplicate, carbonless checks.  As is common in life, at least for a few of us…like all of us who breath oxygen…this small mistake, compounded by chance occurrences, caused another chain reaction much like the fission which takes place at the core of a nuclear device.  The result, I think, even caused a small mushroom cloud at the bank.

          What happened, as near as I can reconstruct the incident, is that this semi-large check (meaning a check as big as a tractor-trailer rig) made it to the financial institution days after it was written, giving me ample time to forget about it.  The bank, staffed by nice individuals who must have, at one time or another, done something equally as stupid, waited until after the days deposit deadline to see if the owner of the account would inject some life into a faltering monetary existence.  He, or rather, I, did not, however, being blissfully unaware of the situation.

          Here is where the chain reaction begins.  This day, naturally, was Friday, meaning when the nice people at the bank printed and mailed a notice that said “Hey, Moron!  You can’t write checks for more than the amount of money you presently have in your account,” or something to that effect, it fell into a black hole at the U.S. Postal Service and came out in a locale so far distant there were only three digits in the zip code.  Whatever happened to it, it never reached my mail box until the following Tuesday.  In the meantime, having a surplus of funds according to the register balance, I led the family on a weekend excursion following children’s activities all over the region strewing checks like flower petals over hundreds of miles.  (I should point out that I, personally, have never before “strewn” flower petals, but I would imagine it would be something like this.)

          Now, had I been aware of my error within a day or two I could easily have circumvented the trail of latex-based monetary instruments I had left behind me.  This would have been possible because the same nice people at the bank have a policy of covering the overdrafts they receive UP to the amount of the last deposit to the account in question.  Of course, they have a service charge for this sort of thing.  This service charge goes up as your mistakes pour into the office.  I believe the rate of increase is exponential, which is a mathematical statement meaning “at the speed of light.”  Coupling this with the fact that my last deposit was in the area of $43.00 pretty much wiped out my safety cushion.  By the time the first notice reached me on Tuesday, the destruction was nearly complete.  Adjustments and transfers were made to the account immediately but weren’t credited until Wednesday.  Overdraft notices came dropping in like return artillery fire for three days, each one, in chain reaction form, more devastating than the last.  I was extremely embarrassed but still compelled to approach the recipients of my dishonored checks with my hat in my hand, so to speak.  The trouble was, I don’t wear a hat and it was impossible to buy one since I couldn’t write a check anywhere.  The closest I could come was an old stocking cap, so I begged forgiveness and made good on the checks without the headgear.

          Some of the establishments which received the bad paper turned them over to a check collection agency.  This is an institution whose sole purpose is the collection of bad checks.  This is also where the people who aren’t nice enough to work at the bank get jobs.  The collection agency will attempt to collect the amount of the check plus a small additional charge for the business which accepted your lecherous attempt to get a meal without paying for it.  They will also levy a minimal service charge to help cover their own costs.  For each check this will generally run in the area of $862.93.  As you can guess, this can cause a fiscal chain reaction and lead you to spend time in jail because you can’t cover the cost of the four deficient checks you wrote which averaged $9.32 each…plus the service charge at the bank which totaled $235.00 plus the charge at the collection agency which came to a 15 year mortgage at 12% interest.

          All in all these folks were pretty good about the whole thing, but then, they came out ahead on the deal.  The whole process has taught me a great deal.  For one thing, I’m seriously considering duplicate checks.

          And I’m shopping for a new financial institution.  Not that the people at the old one weren’t nice enough – I’m just trying to find one with an accidental chain reaction clause in the checking account contract.

          …And I started wearing hats.