Do you know where you’re going?

No!  I don’t mean your path in life!   You obviously haven’t read any of my stuff before.  A philosophical subject like that is waaaay too deep for my shovel.

What I’m referring to is, when you leave your home and go to your next location, do you know where you’re going?…or more specifically, how to get there?  In this case, the modern GPS is an amazingly helpful device, whether it’s on your cell phone, a portable unit or one of those tablet sized ones they build into the dash on your vehicle so you can be easily distracted while attempting to not get lost.

The GPS, or Giant Pain…no, that’s GPA!…  The Global Positioning System is a technology that uses a space based satellite network to pinpoint a location “on or near” the Earth’s surface.  For purposes of this article, we will assume “on.”  It was invented by Al Gore after he invented the internet.  Or before.  Or maybe it was someone else.  Doesn’t matter.

Either way, this technology can find your location, find your destination, calculate options as to route and roads, then direct you in the direction of the most traffic.  There is also technology available to help circumvent that traffic, but that comes at additional cost and only works in the movies.

As with any new tech, there is a plethora (that means a lot) of uses and applications for this system.  Also, as with any new science, there are downsides and learning curves with which to deal.  One of the downsides of the GPS is language compatibility.  Some of these units have a voice interface.  What this means is you can talk to the unit instead of punch buttons on the screen to instruct the machine to lead you where you want to go.  This feature helps you keep your eyes on the road or your cell phone keyboard as you text while driving.  Sadly, however, it doesn’t do a thing for your frustration level.

“And why not?” you ask.

Okay, one of you asked, even if it wasn’t you.

That’s because, with all the choices available in the language selection menu, “GPS language” is not one of the choices you are offered.  The unit will likely instruct you in a language that resembles whatever you chose, in this case English, but the words it strings together don’t seem to make any sense!

Let’s take the simplest instruction you receive when you get to the first corner.  Your high-tech electronic device will inform you to “prepare to turn left.”

What does that mean?

How do you “prepare” for something like that?  Do you have to wake up?  I am relatively sure this is one of the prerequisites for driving in the first place.  This requirement comes right after the one that says you can’t drive if you’re blind.  Maybe it’s telling you to move to the correct lane, but then why doesn’t it tell you move to the left-turn lane?  This is one of the statements you have to learn in order to operate your vehicle under GPS instruction.  Fortunately, it doesn’t take too long for most of us to catch on after we see our intersection go by outside the window because we didn’t properly “prepare” to turn left.

Granted, there are many very useful instructions or informational comments.  “Prepare to exit left,” is a particularly helpful piece of information, since most exits are to the right.  Knowing this can keep you from cutting across three lanes of traffic in front of other vehicles – provided they “prepare” you for the exit far enough in advance.  I should warn you, from the opposing perspective, that the unit will NOT advise you to watch for an idiot cutting across three lanes of traffic to make the exit.

“You have reached your destination; your destination is on the right” is a useful statement, but not all units seem to have this courtesy.  If they don’t, you invariably find yourself in the wrong lane and need to circle the block to attain your destination.

“Bear right” is another helpful hint, but different manufacturers seem to have different definitions for this statement.  How many degrees of course change constitute a “bear” as compared to a “turn” or a “follow the road?”  Was the last little bend the “bear right” or is that still ahead?  If you take your eyes off the road to look at the GPS screen, you may find out that the “bear right” referred to the extremely large, hairy guy in the Super Duty pick-up.  You know…the one you just tagged while not looking where you were going.

Translation notwithstanding, some proclamations are just designed to cause confusion.  “Move left and keep left, then keep left.” You know there’s a median over there, right?  I can see it on the screen that you know that.  How far left do you want me to go?  We could assume that one of the two left most lanes would be good for this instruction, until it’s followed by the suggestion, ”Prepare to exit right.”  Now what the hell do you do?!

I should point out here that speaking harshly to the GPS unit will NOT gain you an explanation or clarification of any sort.  It may increase your blood pressure but you’re still not getting any help.  Just sayin’.

The answer to my quandary of dealing with the GPS finally fell into place recently when my long owned unit told me to “prepare to drive straight.”  Prepare to drive straight?!”  REALLY?…

And suddenly, with clarity befitting full HD, it occurred to me – this is my spouse!  “Go this way!  Go that way!  Do this!”  Even if you’re doing it correctly, you need to do it correctly in a different way – perhaps MORE correctly!

And so, with this epiphany, I understand the best way to deal with the GPS language barrier.  Do your level best to understand or decipher the instructions.  If you get it wrong, the unit will “recalculate” and tell you the best way to proceed.

In other words, it will treat you like an idiot, just like it has to deal with you ALL THE TIME!

And you thought machines couldn’t learn anything!