I drive and old Jeep.  Not one of your CJ models which are fun and practical (in a Jim Bowie sense of practical).  No, I drive an old two-door, mono-color, manual transmission, 1977 AMC Jeep Cherokee – came from the factory with rust already impregnated into key points of the body structure.  You know the ads they have with the price in large numbers, then at the bottom in small print it says, “base sticker price”?  That’s the Jeep I have.

          Oh, I have a few extras such as carpeting, which came out of someone’s’ bathroom, and a cassette player and speakers I bought at Big Al’s Hi-Tech Electronics Emporium and Tackle & Bait Shop.  The Jeep itself uses more than its share of gas, it smells like oil and looks like…well, dirt, mostly.  On the positive side, however, I don’t have to park it at the edge of the parking lot to keep it from getting dinged up and I only have to wash it once a year in the spring.  That’s only because of those nice spring days when you lose all sense of reality and become over-zealous due to the increase in average temperature.  This is a real psychological disease known as Vernal Thermal Psychotic Syndrome…maybe.

          Anyway, my modifications are nothing compared to the changes made by a few power-crazed individuals who overbuild their poor, unsuspecting vehicles with beefed up suspensions and BIG tires.  This is caused by a testosterone-induced disease known as…Male Major Modification Malady, maybe.  It’s not uncommon to see sufferers of this disease driving down main street with a 1963 Chevy C-20 pick-up refitted with a high output 454 aluminum big block engine, Kenworth running gear, custom John Deere magnesium wheels and high speed radial tires with the optional highway tread.  All, of course, in four-wheel drive.  My brother has one of these vehicles, or at least it aspires to be one someday.  His tires can still be purchased as large truck tires rather than space shuttle landing gear.

          These vehicles are quite useful in the salvage business:

“Bob, I need a rear passenger door panel clip from that Studebaker over there behind those Fords.”

                     “No problem, Art.”

                     “Roar, Crash, Smash, Squash.”

For general driving needs, however, these vehicles are far from practical.  As a hunting vehicle they offer up several difficulties due to, uh…girth.  By the time you take one of these pick-ups, add on some oversized, heavy underpinnings, larger drums, bigger wheels and extra large jumbo tires, the truck is visible on low-level radar.  Now, a tall structure with a minimal foundation has a predominant tendency to tip easily (see “Suzuki Samurai”).  To prevent this, the wheels, if they’re not already out there due to necessary structural tolerances, need to be pushed outward a bit…say, two feet on each side.  A vehicle this wide is prone to take out fences whether the gate is open or not – a practice not conducive to good hunter/landowner relations.  If you feel you need not worry about this since you hunt largely on government land, I must warn you that neither the state nor the U.S. Forest Service appreciate the removal of trees for the purpose of widening the right-of-way.  Also, although I don’t personally know too many, I would have to guess that most logging truck drivers, should they come across a pick-up truck on steroids blocking the road by its excessive width, would probably view it as a future hood ornament.

Off road recreation is also very limited, aside from, say, climbing the boulder field at the base of Mt. Rushmore (a recreational activity not condoned by the National Park Service).  Winter recreation is definitely not a good choice.  On snow or ice, the large surface area of the tires coupled with the relatively low body weight of the truck use the laws of physics to create something akin to a motorized toboggan…only with less directional control.

Aquatic recreation may be possible, but is not advised.  My brother tells me of a friend of his with a full-blown mini-truck in this modified class who surmised, through scientific calculation, intense investigation and WTH experimentation that the floatation value of the super-oversized tires would hold his hybrid Mazda afloat in the water.  (WTH experimentation occurs when one looks objectively at all available evidence against the given theory, says “ah, what the Hell!”, and does it anyway.)  I understand the whole thing worked until he climbed back in the box to toss out a fishing line.  Undirected, the vehicle hit the fender of a submerged, over-built Ford F-100 and split open a tire, sinking the whole thing to the bottom of Lake Oahe.

Just driving on the road presents problems, mostly due to wind resistance.  The drag coefficient of these vehicles places them in the same category as a 1976 16×72 Centennial mobile home.  Highway speeds are difficult to maintain for long periods of time because of excess fuel consumption.  A truck of this type covers so much frontal area that you could push fresh air from the Midwest to New York without losing it all.  While this may seem like a positive step for some highly air-polluted cities, a tanker, or even really big balloons, would be much more efficient.

When driving these chariots of extremism in town you need to watch continuously for cats, dogs, subcompact cars and any people under 5’11”.  Tickets are common for taking upwards of three parking places.  Game, Fish and Parks will often require two park entrance stickers and you’ll probably have to camp in the group campsite during peak tourist season.

As you can see, there are few, if any, positive aspects to owning a vehicle like this…except having a bigger, more powerful truck than your neighbor.  I can’t see the benefit to it.  My Jeep may not be the most aesthetically pleasing, fuel efficient, tree climbingest vehicle in town, but it’s paid for it’s definitely good enough for basic transportation…  Although I did get a great deal on an escalator from the Woolworth’s’ auction sale and it might just fit under the door…

Ya’ know, if I jacked this thing way up in the air and put some really big tires on it…!  Aah, WTH!