I would like to discuss a serious medical problem rampant in American society today.  A problem which threatens personal injury and property damage nation wide…a problem which afflict otherwise normal, selfish individuals.  I’m talking about the previously undiagnosed disease I call “line blindness.”

          What is this disease?, you ask.  Is it contagious?  Is it deadly?  Are there medical specialists available to treat it at ridiculously high, BMW  lease rate fees?  What, you also ask, are the credentials which allow me to make such an observation?

          In answer to your question, this illness causes the inability to visually distinguish a straight line…particularly in yellow or white.  It is manifested in its primary symptom as an inability to park within the lines painted on the asphalt of any given parking lot or street.  It’s my medical theory that these people are unable to even see these lines.

          Oh, the answers to your other questions are:  No, possibly, you can rest assured there will be after publication of this article and haven’t you asked enough questions?

          You will find the vehicles driven by those stricken with line blindness parked in variations of three different ways, beginning with the “centered” stop.  In this early stage of the disease the person will park in the same orientation as that of the line, but usually placing the line somewhere between the wheels of the vehicle, thereby negating two of the boundaried parking spaces.  This type of “parker” will allow others to park in series with them, provided the others don’t mind humoring the auto-placement disabled person and themselves park over the line.  Those of us who are determined to remain orderly in the face of deviance are required to park across the street at the Piggly-Wiggly lot and walk.

          The next driver exhibits diagonally skewed traits consistent with more advanced cases of the ailment.  In a diagonal parking environment, these people will park diagonally…but from the other direction at a 90 degree angle to the painted line.  This does away with at least two spaces, possible more since you should still leave them room to back out without pushing your vehicle into the middle of the lot.  Of course, if you drive an old beater, as I do, by all means, leave them hemmed in.  This may give them pause to consider their situation and seek professional help.  It is, however, a good idea to take down their license number before you leave your vehicle.

          The third picture of paltry parking is the parallel person.  The driver who exhibits this trait usually does so in a long vehicle, or with a trailer in tow, by parallel parking in an open bank of perpendicular or diagonal spaces.  This eliminates parking spots at a rate directly proportional to the size of the vehicle in question.  In defense of this person, I should point out that there is often no other parking space available for extended length vehicles at, say, McDonald’s, and it’s necessary for these people to park over the lines even if the driver does see them.  The downside is, this forces you to drive all over the neighborhood looking for a place to park while the kids get more and more restless waiting for this one guy to finish his Big Mac and free up the eight parking spots he’s taken and while you’re in a hurry, he’s having a second cup of coffee and you could have just gone to an actual restaurant in the first place.  So while this driver probably isn’t suffering from line blindness, he should get some kind of consideration training or something.  Now, the person who parks in this fashion in, say, a 1972 Pinto is, no doubt, quite spatially challenged…although this particular car can be easily removed by a well placed tap on the rear bumper.

          It has been suggested by other observant scientific types, one being my friend Mike who generated a B minus in his college introduction to science class, that these people are merely lazy.

          “What!?”, I said. This was my exact word, question mark, exclamation point and all.

          Well, Mike hypothesized (scientific word for “guessed”) that these folks, too lazy to walk from the end of the parking lot, yet not wishing their vehicles to become dinged by the doors of an adjacently parked automobile, are parking in odd configurations to keep people from parking next to them.

          “Nay!”, said I, aghast at the prospect…you’ll note that I speak in a colonial American manner when I am aghast.

          Another reason, interjected by our friend Dan, supports the theory that people are parking in this fashion because they simply don’t care about anyone else (Dan is not so much a scientist as he is a pragmatist)…and they’re lazy.

          After serious consideration of the available facts, I have come to the conclusion that while some people are inconsiderate slobs, some are actually suffering from this little known disease.  In order to assist us in identifying these individuals who need help, we would ask those of you who are lazy reprobates…I mean, you who are in a hurry and do not wish to walk great distances, to help us by parking away from other vehicles.  This approach would leave only those afflicted by line blindness parking in these unorthodox manners and would make it simple to whisk them away to institutionalization.

          So please help us deal with this disease before the government becomes involved and mandates all lots of over 50 parking spots to staff line psychologists during normal business hours.  This will do nothing but raise the cost of business and increase the price of coffee faster than a Colombian blizzard.

          Thank you for your attention and support in dealing with line-blindness…and stay in touch for our next medical manifesto when we will address another serious line disease:

          Line dancing.