The first snows have fallen.  Thanksgiving has come and gone.  The streets are crowded.  No, not with shoppers…with package delivery vehicles.

          Yes, it’s Christmas time for the UPS guy.

          Our UPS guy is Marge, who is actually a UPS person.  From this point forward, however, we will use the term “guy” as a uni-sex term;  kinda’ like “they”, “them” or “you” and interchangeable with the aforementioned suffix “person” as in chairperson, fireperson and crazyperson.  This will create new but easily understood terminology such as spokes-guy, police-guy and pregnant-guy (as with any unique, forward thinking advancements, some of these will take some getting used to).  This is a noteworthy day in the history of the English language and should be marked on your calendar or noted in some other way such as cleaning that grey, slimy stuff off of those bottom tiles in your basement shower.

          Anyway, the UPS guys are earning their money this time of year.  To be truthful, they’re earning their money plus overtime, but that’s to be expected…they have a union.  I don’t know if they hire any extra help for the deliveries themselves at Christmas time, but I doubt it.  Doing so would require more large, cubically shaped, brown aluminum step vans which would sit around decaying in some way for the other eleven months of the year.  This is not cost effective.  This is something the Postal Service would do.

          The UPS vans do have two major characteristics:  1) they are ugly and 2) they are easily recognizable.  I believe the reason for the decision to use brown for UPS colors is lost in the archives of history.  At least it is at my house.  I haven’t actually called to ask the people at UPS because, well, they’re kind of busy at this time of year and they think the vans are brown, when in actuality they are a brownish, olive drab color.  It’s important to note, however, that even without any fancy stripes or costly multiple colors, the vans are still easy to identify.  You always know when you see a brown step van pull up in front of your door that you’re going to get a package, or that the guy (please see the earlier note referencing use of the term “guy”) next door is going to get a package…or that the U.S. Army is taking a more hands on approach to recruitment.  But that’s kind of unlikely since we no longer have to worry about that immediate threat from the evil hoards of – wherever evil hoards are coming from these days.  I’m not even sure evil hoards are PC in the present climate.  Perhaps they’re merely misunderstood hoards with minor social issues…?  Either way, a topic for another time. 

          Anyway, UPS guys are constantly on the run this time of year.  They drive their vans with the doors open, even in the cold, and they park their trucks and leave the motors running so they can deliver quickly and zip to the next stop.  These guys have become so busy they don’t even take time to have you sign for the package anymore.  Sometimes, in their efficiency, they deliver your package with such stealth and speed that you aren’t even aware they were there.  They flash to your porch, marking their sheet on the way and place the package right where you can see it…on the mat in front of the door…below eye level.  In the summer, when they have time, I’m sure they wait a few minutes in their green/brown van to see if you dash out of your home in a hurry, trip on the box, fly over the railing and take out two juniper bushes and a row of chrysanthemums.  At this time of year, however, they’re much too busy for that kind of stuff.

          Nowadays, in order to compete with other delivery services, the UPS guy offers overnight delivery and second-day air.  I always get these packages at supper-time or later.  I get the feeling the UPS guy delivers all the packages in a mad rush throughout the day.  She returns to the warehouse, tired but satisfied after a good days hard work – and the manager says;  “We just got this package for this guy and it’s got to be delivered today.”

          Marge always rings the doorbell to deliver these packages.  I think she does this so I can see the smile on her face and the blood in her eyes.  I wonder if it’s proper to tip UPS guys?

          It should be noted that there are other delivery guys.  The friendly folks with the firearms at the US Postal Service still deliver the largest bulk of Christmas related packages over the holiday season.  This is in addition to handling the hundreds of millions of pieces of holiday related paraphernalia including those cards we always feel obligated to send to people we haven’t been in contact with since last year when we got a card from them which included one of those generic letters copied on green or red paper.  I can understand the stress these Postal guys are under – just thinking about it makes me want to shoot something and I only have to deal with 60 or 70 of them.

          Since the Postal Service guys are so busy anyway, it doesn’t hurt to give them a break and send your packages via other means.  Federal Express is another option to use, but I still think these guys are generally reserved for use by last minute gift shippers and procrastinators of all types.  I, for example, know the people at the FedEx office on a first name basis and I usually take them a gift with my packages on the 22^nd.

          All in all, for the largest part of your holiday gift and package shipping needs, it’s hard to beat the UPS guys.  They’re friendly, they’re efficient and most importantly, they are, as a rule, poorer marksmen than Postal Service guys.