It is the American Expanse.  It is the Buffalo Commons.  It is the Great Plains.  It is windy!  Those of you living in the Plains states may have already noticed this.  Oh, the wind doesn’t blow all the time.  On very rare occasions it stops momentarily in order to change directions.  There are a number of reasons for the incessant wind:  the prevailing weather patterns, the central continental location and of course, the fact that there’s not a darn thing out here to stop it, such as hills or trees.  It’s kinda’ like the far straight-away at Indy – the wind comes out of that second turn across the Rockies and it’s open throttle all the was to the Appalachians.

          It’s true the wind is often a nuisance.  For one thing, it’s hard on vehicle mileage because regardless of where you’re going, by some strange corollary of Murphy’s Law, the wind is almost always blowing from the direction in which you are driving.

          Working in high winds is also difficult.  The occasional highway worker you see leaning on a shovel is usually doing so to keep an upright position in the wind.  The standing around part is a formal occupational position required by the contract of the Affiliated Brotherhood of the Union of National Roadworkers Amalgamated, or some such non-labor union.  Still, the shovel is quite helpful.

          Studies also show that high winds cause severe damage to sensitive hair, causing drying and breaking and leading to split ends…  Hey, if the hair-care industry can generate three quarters of a billion dollars in sales a year, I can at least mention it.

          My point is, since the wind is there all the time, in some velocity or another, I propose we make the best of it.  For example, birds, raptors especially, will make use of the wind to simply hang on an updraft, appearing to be frozen in one place in the sky.  Once, when camping near a steep canyon, my buddy, Ed, and I spotted a hawk hanging above the canyon rim for the best part of the day.  When the sun went down and the wind shifted, the thing dropped like a rock.  Apparently the old guy suffered a heart attack or some catastrophic bird stroke while gliding and just stuck there until the wind changed.  I’m sure he wasn’t there for more that a day or two.

          Anyway, rather that complain that the wind caused your golf ball to slice (even though your ball drifts the same way regardless of wind direction), I think we should utilize the wind in sports where it is a vital part of the game.  My thought was to make use of the wind, much as the hawk does.  Obviously, hang gliding is one way people make use of the same winds.  This is a good idea, but those of you who actually live in the plains states may have noticed a predominant lack of elevation usually necessary for this sport.  So…

          How about bicycle hang gliding?  Down a good steep hill into a stiff wind and becoming airborne should be no problem.  There could be distance glides or shortest take-off contests…perhaps even least injury events.  Now I haven’t actually attempted this so I don’t know how hard the landings would be, but I don’t think the injury rate would be any higher than, say, that of chute-less sky-diving.

          Those people into the shooting sports could organize windage shoots.  In this competition, contestants could shoot for accuracy at w-i-d-e targets in a heavy crosswind.  Different competitive groups for different caliber weapons would be necessary.  A 30-30, for example, has a larger cross-section than, say, a .243 and would require more adjustment for windage.  Actually, a 30-30 has a larger cross-section than a giant Maldanian sea bat (league approved) and, without maximum charge, it flies a bit slower as well.

          This type of contest would not be affected much by high-tech sighting equipment such as laser sights.  To understand the reason for this, we must look at the photon, which is either the basic sub-atomic particle which makes up light or one of the secret ingredients in the Kentucky Fried Chicken recipe.  Whichever, this particle is more aerodynamically shaped and thus somewhat less susceptible to wind drift than the metal projectile fired from the firearm.  Because of this, while the laser dot may be on the target, the projectile might strike elsewhere…like Peoria.

          Another possible wind sport would be whitecap fishing tournaments.  This is not really a new idea.  It’s common to see die-hard fishermen, determined not to allow cancellation of their favorite pastime, riding the boat like a saddle bronc, steering wheel in one hand, rod & reel in the other.  An organized endeavor in this sport would require a field or designated fishing boundary of relatively small size.  The size of these boundaries would change in proportion to wind velocity – funnel cloud activity would make the whole lake fair territory.  Whichever team stays within their “field” without being blown out would win.  If there were actually more than one team successful, without anchor, the tie could be broken by actually comparing the fish.

          On second thought, it may not be a good idea to make fishing a territorial sport.  Some fishermen are rather protective of their secret fishing holes the way it is.  If we start setting any type of formal boundaries, we could prompt a spontaneous windage shoot.

          Okay then, how about rock drifting?  This particular sport would require, A) a rock, and B) a tree or tall platform of some type.  Whichever method of vertical support you choose, a uniform height should be used.  This will keep national comparisons consistent.  The same type and weight of rock should also be used.  This is necessary because different minerals have different mass and would this be affected in different degrees by the wind.  Proof of this can be found in one of the laws of physics which states that any action creates an equal and opposite reaction…or maybe E=MC²…or what goes around comes around.  Some such law like that, anyway.

          With a target site directly below the drop platform, a participant would strive for distance from the target center.  Keep in mind that the rock must be dropped, not thrown.  The weight must move from a vertical path by natural means.  The skill in this sport would be the reading of the wind gusts and understanding the gravitational effects.

            Now at this point you may be saying to yourself or your loved ones, ”Where the heck does gravity come in?  I thought we were talking about wind?”  Correct you are and I thank you for paying attention.  However, it occurred to me as I conducted my usual intensive research that gravity, a normally constant force of nature, is subject to an odd variation which may affect this wind sport.

          I have discovered through experimentation and observation that the gravity under any table or support object with which you are working, pulls at an angle directly toward a point on the floor at the center of the table.  This can be empirically tested by dropping a fork, piece of bread, computer screen eraser or whatever, while in the vicinity of the table.  Invariably (which is a scientific word for “almost always”), the object will fall well under the table, even though it never touched anything on the way down.  This will cause you to forcibly smash the back of your head while retrieving the object.  And THAT’S why we’re talking about gravity.

My wife received a letter the other day with the title “MS” leading her name.  This caused me some confusion, since I can’t imagine anything leading my wife.  Also, she has been a Mrs. for many years.

As I spent time considering my initial reaction, with some assistance from my significant other, it occurred to me that this is the new millenium.  Women don’t want to be tagged as some mans’ wife…they want to have their own identity.  It is also true, I was assisted, that if you are writing a professional letter to a woman you do not know, how are you to determine if she is a Miss or a Mrs., huh?  Yes I pointed out, but then why not simply write the name without the title and besides, this particular letter came from a friend and she knows my wife is a Mrs.

Well, obviously this line of inquiry and curiosity was interesting only to me, so I thought perhaps I should research the topic at the library.  Besides, I had a couple of hours to kill since I felt I should stay away from the house for at least that long.

Where did the custom for use of the personal title arise?  What was the reason for it?  Maybe it was an early public relations strategy to soften up the receiver of the letter with a title of their very own:

“Dear Mister Tremaine:

The Hospital of Our Lady of Perpetual Income here in Paris is again conducting our annual medieval fund drive.  A donation from your most honorable, propriotous self would help us buy much needed new equipment such as stainless steel surgical saws and sterilized leeches.

As a most benevolent philanthropist in your own right, please consider helping us with a donation of 5, 10, 15 or more francs.  For your Christian consideration the Bishop has promised to place your name on St. Peters’ e-mail list.

Thankfully yours,

Fr. D’Chane

Hospital Administrator”

Or some such letter consistent with the era, which this one is not because obviously they didn’t have stainless steel in the middle ages.  Further study on my part proved this theory to be incorrect, however, because postal sucking-up is a fairly recent innovation.

I found, however, that the title “mister” is a variation of the root Germanic word meaning “master”.  The original definition of the word meant “tradesman” or “craftsman”.  If this follows, in the vernacular of today’s American youth, a “party-meister” would probably be a professional caterer of some sort…maybe.

As far back as the 13^th century the term “mister” was used as a prefix title of a man “not entitled to be addressed as ‘Sir’ or ‘Lord’.”  In this chain of respect, a “mister” ranks somewhere between a “squire” and a “butthead.”  Obviously society has come a long way in 700 years.  In todays’ equal opportunity environment these titles are not mutually exclusive of one another and a person can be a “sir”, a “mister” and a “butthead” all at the same time.

By comparison, all the prefix titles referring to women have spread from the same source.  “Miss”, “Mrs.” and “Ms” have all been derived from the word “mistress” whose original reference was to “a woman who rules or has control.”  As you can imagine, this term was used almost exclusively with married women.  An example of this would be the fact that I am writing this at the library.

The abbreviation “Mrs.” was actually an abbreviation of the word “mistress.”  The term “misses” was a vulgar mispronunciation of the abbreviation by the lower levels of society at the time; probably the “butthead” class.  During a period in history when everyone began falling into this class except the King and a few Duke and Lord-types, this pronunciation became accepted…much the same as “butthead” is today being accepted as a title preceding any member of Americas’ legislative or executive branches of government, as in “the Butthead Senator So and So”.

The term “Ms”, the most recent incarnation of the word, was developed in the United States in the 1970’s as a needed title for women regardless of marital states or (in the new millenium) regardless of gender.  The title itself is an enigma in language since it actually has no word associated with it – that is, the abbreviation came before the term.  The word since connected with it is pronounced “Mzzzzzzz”.  I don’t know why, nor will anybody tell me.

My research, overall, found that the usage of these numerous titles originated as a courtesy forwarded by people to classify others as to their status.   As society expanded new titles were added such esquire, lady, dame and baronvon (as in Baronvon Schmooteneven) and many others.

We as Americans, however, are not to be outdone by some previous, primitive culture.  In an effort to further classify, categorize and pigeonhole members of the modern citizenry to fit into a 9 digit Social Security number, we have developed several uniquely American usages…the ACRONYM and the INITIALISM.

The initialism is the abbreviation of any group of educational, professional or organizational names or titles, by their first letters, to identify the wearer.  Examples of these include; Ph.D. (Doctor of Philosophy), C.P.A. (Certified Public Accountant) and N.A.A.W.B. (National Association of Angle Worm Breeders).

The acronym is much the same except a word is formed by using the first letters of the name in question.  Often the word formed means something- at least to the people who make them up.  An example of this would be the National Institute of Mind Readers and Oracle Distributors (NIMROD).

As you can expect, the United States Government is the most A.B.O. (Acronym Bound Organization) on the face of the planet.  The government uses these verbal tools to the point that linguistics professional will get hopelessly lost during a two-minute conversation.  It should also come as no surprise that the largest manufacturer of acronyms and initialisms in the government is the U.S. military.  These people have come up with such abbreviations as S.A.C. (Strategic Air Command), A.S.A.P. (As Soon As Possible) and F.U.B.A.R. (Fouled Up Beyond All Recognition)[1].

These hideous inventions can be further used as even more titles to clarify a persons place in the world by showing his/her accomplishments or professional associations.  My wife’s’ desk plate, for example, has all sorts of things following her name like; R.N., B.S.N., N.O.W.A., S.T.A.T., or some such E.A.V. (Excess Abbreviated Verbiage).

I think these name appendages could be dangerously used to camouflage a persons true moniker, kinda’ like a moustache and beard for nomenclature.  Any wanted criminals trying to hide themselves from the law could cover his name with all these extra letters and he wouldn’t have to use an alias.  The police and the F.B.I. (government initialism for Finding Bad Individuals) would be looking for Bob (fictional) Jones and may not even notice Mr. Robert F. Jones, B.S., K.F., W.C.  (Mister Bob Jones, Bad Sort, Known Felon, Wanted Criminal).

You may think to yourself, “Self, he’s making this all up!”  But, NO!  I am not.  You yourself, should you voluntarily leave your home because of the misdirected anger of a loving spouse, could find all these interesting acronyms (well, most of them) in one book.  Actually three volumes of one book called the Acronyms, Initialisms and Abbreviations Dictionary (1994 ed.).  These ledgers of letterdom are chock full of interesting facts.  Did you know, for example, that there are 137 listings for the acronym A.C.E.?  They cover a wide range of topics from the American College of Ecology and the Association of Clandestine radio Enthusiasts to the Engineering Library, City of Calgary, Alberta (apparently the Canadians haven’t quite caught on to the fact that the words are supposed to be in order).

I believe there will eventually have to be laws as to how many of these titles can be tacked on to a name.  As it now stands, a persons’ business card could be completely filled with letters and it would require several appendices to decipher the code.  For instance, if this same Bob (fictional) Jones were an ordained minister and a surgeon who was a member of the state house of representatives, he could be referred to by many prefix titles.  Should he also be a manager of biomedical communications, an environmental activist, a resident at a specific hospital, a contributing editor of an international magazine, a talk-show host on an Amarillo, Texas radio station and a one-time child actor who once played Andy Griffiths’ son on television, he would be REALLY busy.  He could also truthfully be referred to as; the Honorable Reverend Doctor Robert F. Jones, A.B.C.D., E.F., G.H., I.J., K.L.M.N., O.P.[2].  Now, where’s the name in there?

So I think when people write a letter, they should address it without a title of any type…or I may be forced to do something like this again.  That is, if they let me back into the library after reading this.

[1] Certain paraphrasing has been done to keep this essay family oriented.

[2]Association of Biomedical Communications Directors, Earth First, General Hospital, International Journal, KLMN-FM radio, Amarillo, Texas, Opie Taylor

              A friend of mine comes from a farming/ranching family.  Like a lot of people who have this type of upbringing Nathan still has his hand in the business.  Actually, it would be more accurate to say he still has his back in it.  I am pretty sure he performs a good deal more physical labor at his “hobby” work than he does at his regular job…and that’s assuming he labors at his daily job, which is not necessarily true.  We will accept that as a fact, if only for purposes of literary flow.

              From what I understand, Nathan spends the bulk of his time helping his brother with the operation of the cattle business.  This is called “ranching” when performed in the “West,” which is anywhere this side of Ohio.  Granted, you can have a place like this in the “East” (which is made up of any state that touches the Atlantic Ocean) or the “Midwest” (this is still the “East” to everyone except the people in New England which has nothing to do with England except they speak English there – after a fashion…).  Anyway, you can call your place in the “East” a ranch, if you want, but everyone will just smile and shake their heads like they do when you have a bumper sticker on your Chevy Cavalier that says “MY OTHER CAR IS A GULL-WING MERCEDES BUT IT’S IN THE SHOP ‘CAUSE I CAN’T AFFORD THE AIR FOR THE TIRES.”

              Oh, yes!  Ranching.  In most cases, farming is also involved in ranching, largely in the form of feed for the cattle since they can’t eat out all the time.  From here on in this article, any combination of farming and ranching will be referred to as hobby farming.

              The purpose of hobby farming is…well, in today’s society there is no really outstanding reason to have a hobby farm.  That’s why they call it a “hobby” – you do it because you enjoy it, or at least because you want to…for some reason.  The most predominant reason is that you make way too much money way too easily which causes you to have a compulsive need to engage in a labor intensive endeavor which is certain to result in a financial loss without the addition of government subsidies.  This allows you to psychologically ease your guilt about making all that money without actually doing anything.  This is not Nathan’s reason, trust me – I know where he works!  Oh, he could make a comfortable living with proper money management and less beer intake.  Instead, he spends most of his money on travel expenses to and from the ranch, and the business of ranching.  This entails breeding and raising cattle or, even more specialized in approach, buying feeder cattle from someone else and raising them.  This approach consists of buying young cows for, say $321, feeding them, growing them and caring for them and then selling them for $123…  That’s really not funny – farming is worse.

              Still, it’s a labor of love for those who cherish the way of life.  And it should be pointed out that some people do actually make money at it, though the odds are only slightly better than winning the Powerball jackpot. 

             Another quasi-agricultural endeavor for the hobby farmer is the pheasant farm.  Granted, telling people you operate a “pheasant ranch” sounds a bit self important, but the term “pheasant farmer” gives the impression that you plant the birds with a “bird seeder” run by the power-take-off on your John Deere tractor, or maybe wander through the fields like Johnny Pheasant Seed.  A more appropriate term would be “pheasant raiser,” but if you only HEAR the words, it sounds like you shave birds for a living – that’s not quite right, either.  Perhaps pheasant “grower” would be the best term.

             Anyway, whatever you want to call it, this is another enterprise that Nathan has tried out.  Granted, there is a market for pheasant, from the pheasant feathers to the pheasant flesh (that sounds more cruel and torturous than pheasant “meat”, but didn’t sound as phonetically fine in my head when I wrote it.)  The price of pheasant is higher than that of more common foul such as chicken or turkey, but the scarcity and eccentricity of the product allows a higher price and that’s useful, from a business point of view, to make up for the lack of people actually buying your stuff.  Or the government giving you money NOT to grow pheasants.

             In many areas, pheasant growers do so to supplement the wild population so they can release the fowl to increase the number of birds available for paying hunters.  This increases the value of their land in relation to other “outfitters” who don’t have as much game for their clients to bag.  Having more birds actually allows the customer to spend less time walking around and actually “hunting” and more time sitting in the bar telling their friends about their exciting hunting exploits.  These fellahs are “hunters” in the same way strip club customers are “gentlemen.”  In truth, to pick on these people here, in this article about…whatever this is about, is not fair.  So we’ll save that for another time.  And, yes, I mean both the “hunters” who have more money than time, AND the gentlemen’s club customers who have some serious issues, I would guess.

             And, with the emergence of the word “gentlemen,” we will end our look at hobby farming by looking at a final type of hobby farmer (you’re welcome) that Nathan is not:  the Gentleman Farmer.  Now this is not to say that Nathan is not a gentleman.  He isn’t, necessarily, but I wouldn’t say that.  According to the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, a gentleman farmer is “a man of independent means who farms chiefly for pleasure rather than income.”

              Let’s all understand this point:  Nathan is wanting the income.  Just like the pheasant, um, growing, if it doesn’t pay, it’s history. (Don’t read any dead pheasants into that!  No animals of any type were harmed in the writing of this article.)  Nathan, for love of the lifestyle and a total lack of the fear of accidentally doing any hard work, farms, ranches and labors not for any guilty feelings about having too much money or the need to have somewhere to wander with his patch-elbowed blazer and imported ebony walking stick while smoking his pipe.  No, Nathan does it to make some extra cash, to have a little more to invest after the ends are met and just because he likes it.

              So here’s to Nathan and hobby farmers everywhere.  Hope you get to be “gentlemen.”

Spontaneity.  That’s one of the keys to an enjoyable vacation.  Deciding off the cuff where to go.  Packing up and surprising your spouse:  “We’re going that way!”  Stopping where you want to stop, turning where you want to turn… feeling the freedom of the road.

In order for this type of vacation to work, however, it’s necessary to leave the kids at home.  Since this is not an option for responsible, loving parents and since it’s largely frowned upon by society and law enforcement officials everywhere, except maybe Chicago, it is suggested that you take them along… the kids, that is, not the law enforcement officials.  This option requires planning, patience and earplugs.  And do it now; before school starts.

In my view, planning a vacation is tantamount to deciding your own funeral arrangements – it’s nice to know that people are going to meet at a gathering in your honor, but it takes the fun out of it when you have to throw the party yourself.  (The dying part probably isn’t that great, either, but considering that aspect sort of screws up the analogy.)  Vacation organization is no different.  In order to have the event come off smoothly, more time should be spent in the planning stages than in the actual execution of the plan itself…kinda like a covert military operation:

“Okay!  At exactly 09:34, Honey, you break away from the group and run toward the ticket office.  Kids, you create a diversion while I scout for a parking spot.  Keep a sharp eye out for enemy souvenir vendors…and try not to draw attention to yourselves!”

Extreme planning of this sort will keep you from looking for a campsite in the dark or driving on to the next city for a motel because you hit town the same time as the 83^rd annual Mutton Appreciation Days and Sheep Sheering Festival.  It can also get you to your hotel at 1:30 in the afternoon with nothing to do the rest of the afternoon but let the kids swim in the pool and watch the Discovery Channel on television.  For times like these, it’s always preferable to stay at a motel with a lounge.

For camping, many places now offer campsite reservations.  While this may keep you from searching for a campsite, you generally don’t have any hand in choosing which site you’ll get.  Because of this you may find yourself with a site in an alternate drainage route on the side of a steep hill, thereby ruining a perfectly good camping vacation and forcing you to a motel…preferably with a lounge.

Deciding beforehand where you’re going to stay and how long you’re going to be there can help you in packing for your trip.  If you’re going to a motel with a pool, for example, you don’t want to forget the swimwear.  Things like the camcorder are necessary for capturing those special moments, since it takes better video than your phone.  That is, if your cousin Art can remember who he loaned it to after he borrowed it from you.

It may be a good idea to make a list of things you’ll need or don’t want to forget.  You may even want to make several lists so you have one nearby whenever you think of something.  Doing so reduces the frustration you have of knowing you thought of something and then forgot it, anyway.  Of course, if you get too carried away with lists you’ll have to make a list of all the lists you have so you don’t forget anything.

Anyway, knowing where you will be going will help you foresee what type of clothing and gear you will need.  One tip to remember, however, is that no matter how well you plan or how much time you spend thinking about it, you will invariably forget something.  The trick is to learn to improvise.  If you fail to bring enough clothing, you can make room in your schedule to stop at a laundromat or send them to the motel cleaners.  If you forget the kids’ stereos or little electronic games, you can teach them some of the songs and car games you used to pass the time when you were young.  If you forget your wallet, drivers license and credit cards you’ll have to go back – improvisation will take you only as far as the next gas station, after which you’ll need cash.

Once you have listed, organized and packed everything you feel you’ll need, including 30% things you probably won’t ever use and 4% things you’ve never seen before, you can begin stowing this material in your vehicle.  As you can see by comparing volume of space to volume of luggage, this will require a plan as well – or a new vehicle.  This is the reason you often see older travelers driving down the highway in those large Greyhound-size motor homes.  Over the years they have gathered so much material they feel is necessary that a continuously larger RV is needed until they finally have to purchase the model manufactured by Caterpillar.  I think formal classes in stackage and storage would be much more cost effective, not to mention fuel-efficient.

There are some guidelines to remember when packing your vehicle.  Place the largest, heaviest items in the bottom and pack everything you may need during the trip on the top.  As an example, don’t put the Minnesota map in the largest suitcase, which will go way up in the front of the trunk below and behind everything except the tool kit and the emergency flares.

If you’re planning to tie things to the top of the vehicle, use the space for large luggage or coolers.  Smaller items are more likely to fly off without warning you they’re leaving by bouncing off the exterior of the vehicle.  It’s also a good idea to use older luggage for topside placement and a Boy Scout knot handbook also does wonders for the success of cartop luggage carrying.  Those large plastic top carriers are very helpful as well, since you can lock them.  This is useful because you only have to chase one item when it separates from your vehicle like a used up stage of a Saturn 5 rocket.

One more thing about packing the car.  After you’ve removed everything for the purpose of strategic storage and placement, don’t forget to put everything back in the trunk.  Extreme anxiety can arise after you’ve scattered the entire contents of the trunk in a deserted section of road in order to retrieve the spare tire, only to remember exactly where the jack is sitting in the garage.

Anyway, once you have everything packed, you’re ready to go.  You need only round up the kids and you’re off.  It’s necessary at this point, as a parent, to double-check the bathroom status.  Doing so will accomplish nothing because midway between your home and the next town or rest area someone will have to go to the bathroom.  The main reason to bring it up is so everyone else is well aware that you were right in asking.  It’s also handy to point out to everyone, while you’re looking for somewhere to stop:

“Didn’t I tell you to go before we left?!”

For what it’s worth, the mood is set and you are now on your way.  This is when you realize that the planning is the best part of the vacation.  While dreaming about it in the organizational stage you tended to leave out untimely bathroom stops, “I’m thirsty”s, “I don’t want to eat there!”s and “DAD, HE’S ON MY SIDE!”s.

Now is when you drive with your eye on the end of the day…on a motel with a nice bed and a pool for the kids.

Preferably, one with a lounge.

Yesterday I was driving through the country on my way back to town.  I should point out that regardless of your affiliation, rural or urban, the most direct way back to town is still through the country.  Anyway, as I was driving along past vehicles going the other direction, I got the finger.  Not just once – nearly half the people I passed gave me the sign.  Oh, not the way you’re thinking.  No, this finger is the universal rural vehicular sign of greeting and acknowledgement.  It’s a very relaxed and informal action, relating the nature of the people who live in the area.

Here’s how it’s done.  You need to relax back in the drivers’ seat…kinda’ like you’re there all the time.  Just pretend the windshield is a television screen and you’ve pretty much got it…unless you have a tendency to fall asleep in front of the television, in which case you might want to just relax.  Soon you’ll be slouching into a laid back, comfortable position, your left elbow on the door armrest with one or two fingers hooked over one of the steering wheel spokes.  Your right hand will be on the wheel somewhere near the top.  This allows easy control and quick response, if necessary.

Now you’re ready.  As another vehicle approaches and you can see the outline of the person (gender identification is unnecessary), raise the index finger of your right hand to a vertical position.  Eye contact is not required, nor is it recommended at highway speeds.

You have just greeted the person who passed you.  Don’t worry if you didn’t see the return wave.  The recipient of your wave may not be unfriendly – they may simply have slow reflexes and waved back as they were even with your rear bumper.

So why is it people use this motion instead of a simple wave?  Perhaps they’re lazy and don’t wish to expend the energy for a complete wave.  Maybe people only wave to others they really like, which in itself could explain a lot.

The actual (possible) reason people use the one-fingered wave can be traced back to the early days of automobile driving itself.  You see, before the widespread use of asphalt and concrete, the roads were all composed of complex chains of road paving chemicals, which basically formed dirt.  These roads became quite rutted from repeated and continuous use, particularly when wet.   In addition to the poor road conditions, the steering systems engineered in the cars of the day also left something to be desired, at least by current standards.  In order to enhance vehicle control, the automobile utilized a steering wheel that was, oh, maybe a yard across.  It was necessary to keep both hands clamped firmly on the wheel just to stay on the road.  Releasing a hand for the purpose of waving could cause the driver to bounce off the road and into a tree, a creek or any number of natural-type things which everyone knows were all over the place back then.  It’s from these origins that the simple raised finger became a greeting…I think.

A friend of mine from the city is actually amazed at this open show of amiability.  According to him, if you were lying injured on the sidewalk, folks here would likely stop to help, whereas people in his city would stop to shove you out of the way…and those are the friendly ones.  He assures me, however, that there are many helpful people in the city, as well.  They would help themselves to your cash, credit cards and any jewelry you might have.  It’s probably just the neighborhood.

I believe there are several reasons for these differences in the human attitude.  The first is the presence of the crowd.  If there are 10,000 people walking on a given street, all packed close enough to catch the same cold virus (not the same type of cold virus – I’m talking the exact, same virus cell) they not only know each of the others are there, they expect the others to be there.  In this case acknowledgement isn’t necessary and they are likely to bump into one another without so much as a grunt in greeting.

On the other hand, if two of these same people are walking in opposite directions across an open field a quarter-mile apart, they will most likely wave to each other simply in recognition not as individuals, but as people.  The important fact here is they are among the few who carry this soil on their shoes.  They may have other things in common, such as occupation or underwear (the same brand, not the same, exact underwear), but the brief bond they share stems from their unique timing and location.

You’ll also find that, in general, people “out here” will just be a bit friendlier, anyway.  They don’t feel they have to worry about the motivation of other folks – partly because people are friendlier and partly because a large percentage of vehicles have gun racks in them; a questionable, but nonetheless effective deterrent to unfriendly behavior and activities.

So the next time you’re driving through rural America and someone gives you the finger, check again.  It’s a similar motion and we don’t want any misinterpretations.

It’s probably just the Dakota Wave.

One and two and three and four… and left and right and back and front… bend and stretch for the remote control!

Oh, hey!  Get some loose clothing and join me in some exercise.  Aaaand bend and sit and stretch those legs and reach and stretch and… put your feet on that stool over there and grab a beer.  We’re not actually doing any exercise, we’re just talking about it right now.

We Americans are in generally poor shape, and by Americans, I mean our culture as a whole.  And by that I mean the people you see when you go to work and to the mall and to the myriad other places you go in the course of your daily life… although you shouldn’t necessarily go to myriad places because I’m sure your mother told you about the kind of people you’ll find there and that you could go blind or your face could freeze that way or some such thing.

“Aha!” you’re thinking; “There’s the book of matches on which I had written the phone number of the guy who had the used nuclear reactor parts for sale.”

Okay, but please pay attention from now on.  The other person reading this is thinking: “What about those people on TV?  They’re not in poor shape.”  This is true, but those people are not Americans, they are actors who are playing Americans on TV.  Now this does not mean that some or all of them are not Americans but they do not generally represent the cross-section of the American public we are talking about.  You know, regular people.

Try this simple experiment.  Take a random sampling of television programs.  This means watch your favorite shows.  While doing so, count the people in the program and see how many of them are obviously out of shape.  Next go to a public place and count the same ratio at, say, the supermarket or Walmart.  And check the whole store, not just the candy aisles or the extra-large clothing section.  You’re likely to find that on television the ratio is maybe 2 out of shape people in 73, whereas in actual American culture the ratio will be as high as…a lot.

Why is this?  Have people throughout American history always been so out of shape?  Well, how should I know?  How old do you think I am?  Historical Americanologists, sociologists and scientists, in conjunction with other professional “ist” groups tell us that past generations of Americans were in generally better physical condition than we are today and would still be today had they not usually died at such young ages.  This is because previously the greatest majority of Americans had to dig and hammer and run and shuck, or in some form or other actually work.  They were required to engage in continuous movement that metabolized the foods they were eating, which in their case were rough breads, meats and eggs, with a generous dripping of lard – if they were well-off.  Of course, they dropped dead at an amazing rate simply because they didn’t wash their hands or couldn’t take two aspirin for a fever – but they died in generally better shape.

Today, however, a majority of us have traded the scythe and the hammer for the free election ballot so we can… wait, that’s a political ideological metaphor.  My point is that we have traded the hand tools and hard work, in most cases,for an office or a piece of automated equipment and shorter hours in the workplace.  To get to the workplace we normally drive and for recreation we watch someone else play a game.  We have come to a point where we have trouble metabolizing a diet soda, lettuce salad and fat-free dressing much less a third pound bacon cheeseburger with fries and a beer.

“Hey!”, you say, “I’ve seen really old portraits of out of shape people like the one hanging in the bank where they turned down my loan application to buy the used nuclear reactor parts!”

Sure, it’s true that the pictorial record of history, particularly in portraits, shows a large percentage of overweight people.  At that time in American history this was a sign of affluence.  Think about it… these were bank presidents and company founders and large business owners who would get up in the morning and sit in their offices all day, except for lunch.  They spent their recreational time coming up with games that others could play so they could watch without having to do anything.  They were also wealthy enough to have their portraits painted.  You can see that we have been building a society of pseudo-affluent people.  Today even the poorest of us can dine on bug-part-laden hot dogs and grease saturated chips while spending our increased recreational time watching some truly affluent people play a game on television.

How can we change this?

Well, education is the easiest way.  Education of people about proper modern diet.  Education about exersize and healthy lifestyle choices.  If it’s an effective program, this should help, oh, maybe 2 1/2% of the people in America today.  And half of those people are probably in okay shape to begin with.

What we need, then, is a plan to reach the largest part of the American public; a schematic which will benefit even those who do not wish to take part; an innovative and unique proposal from an innovative and unique mind…and, naturally, using the vast resources at my disposal I have developed a plan:

Aerobically Generated Televisions!

Think about it!  What does todays’ American culture have and revere more than any previous or foreign culture in the world?  No, not multi-level parking!  And not high priced sport shoes or frozen yogurt, either!

Television!  TV!  The boob tube…the idiot box…the zombie screen…the…well, you get the idea.  As a culture, we sit in front of the television more than anyone else in the world.  Our ancestors naturally didn’t spend all of this time sitting in front of the television because they only had a couple of channels so they could find out in 12 seconds that there was nothing on so they’d grab their swords and go out to fight the crusades or something.  This type of activity was exceptionally good exercise provided you could make it through the day with all of your parts still connected and operating within normal parameters.

So, if we’re going to be watching television anyway, we simply disconnect it from the wall outlet and design it to function only off an electrical generator wired to an exercise bike!  Oh, you could use other physically motivated equipment, as well.  TV by NordicTrac or Home Entertainment by Schwinn.  The point is, you want to watch, you’ve got to get the heart going.  Kinda’ does away with falling asleep in front of the TV, don’t it?

Sure, you say, people are going to watch less TV if they have to work at it.  Yes!  Perhaps they’ll go out and take part in a game themselves instead of watching one on television.  Maybe they’ll build a desk or possibly just clean the garage or talk to their neighbor.  Many people may actually even turn to reading!  Imagine that.

Yes, okay, it’s kind of extreme but it would benefit the people watching TV and would help those who weren’t simply by making them aware of other activities or even their children:

“Who are you?”

“I’m Mike, Dad.  I’m your son – I live here.”

“Oh, yeah.  You’re the kid who finds the remote control.  Go get me a

book, will ya’, Mike?”

Over all, it would be beneficial for nearly all people.  American families would be in better condition by watching TV as families since they’d be pedaling in shifts.  Those people who didn’t want to exercise would be staying in shape by becoming involved in some other activity, possibly one which involved exercise.  Others may become creative and make or build things.  The rest would likely take to reading, so while they sat about in an inactive state they would be gaining knowledge.

Everybody wins!

Besides, it would be easy to spot really smart individuals.

“Mr. Snassly, there’s a man out front looking for a pair of the wool blend dress slacks with a 46 inch waist and a 34 inch inseam.  What should I tell him?”

“Tell him we’ll be happy to help him with those…and ask him if he knows anything about stain resistant chemical impregnation of blended fabric fibers.”

My friend, Todd, and I were engaged in some work the other day.  Well, we thought of it as work…someone paid us to do it and we would much rather have been somewhere else, so regardless of the effort exerted, it can be considered work.  Some of the labor we engaged in involved dangerous work with heavy machinery at great heights.

Actually, I guess it wasn’t really machinery, but it did have moving parts (hinges) and it was heavy, from a relative point of view, when lifted by one person.  Also, the height we were working at was only 7 or 8 feet, but I once read an article containing statistics that proved a good probability of breaking your ankle by falling off of a pair of platform shoes (obviously, this study was done in the ‘70s, the decade which saw the creation of the science of “fashion forensics”).  Now, the extent of the danger of working at this height can be computed by determining the ratio of a fall off of the 4 inch shoe soles to a height of 8 feet.  If you are conservative and assume that a fall of four inches will break only one of the bones in the ankle, you can divide the 96 inches in 8 feet by that distance, you can see that a plummet from this pinnacle could break 24 bones.  This amount of injury could be fatal, and that’s not even considering the geometric cumulative effects of the force of gravity which increases at a rate of 32 feet per second, per second until the object stops or reaches “terminal velocity”.[1]  If you calculate those figures, you’ll see that a fall from 8 feet will cause you to reach the ground moving at somewhere under, er, 1800 miles an hour.

Anyway, as we were working, Todd slipped and momentarily teetered on the edge of destruction, a fated moment between life and death – or at least life and a 500 dollar medical deductible.  Fighting to regain his balance, he hung there for, oh, maybe 6 or 7 microseconds…long enough for me to think, “*!?”

Using razor sharp instincts, cool thinking and years of experience as a person who usually remains upright while walking, Todd shifted his gaze from left to right, capturing his footing by counterbalancing with the mere weight of his eyeballs.  A veritable disaster, as well as the remainder of the day off, was averted.

Because of my intense curiosity, my desire to relate these facts to you, the reader, and the fact that we were getting paid by the hour, I questioned him relentlessly about his thoughts and feelings in that instant.  Amazingly, Todd was relatively unaffected by his brush with death.

“Did your life pass before your eyes?”, I asked.  “Did any regrets creep into the corners of your mind?”

No, Todd told me, he didn’t really feel he was going to die so his life didn’t pass before his eyes.  He did feel he might be injured so he saw the last, oh, month and a half, but not his whole life.  The only regret he felt was a momentary reminder that he had allowed his medical insurance to lapse.

So much for my investigation into the near death experience.  I suppose I could ask around, but I don’t really know anyone who lives a life wrought with dangerous experiences.  Most of the people I know feel they run an extreme risk by stopping for a beer after work without calling home and telling their spouse.  In extreme cases this may be a hazardous endeavor, but for the most part it’s merely an act of consideration…meaning the person will consider how much grief she will receive from her spouse and his nagging about it and decide it’s worth the quarter it costs to call home.

I would think that everyone will, at one time or another, have an experience they personally feel is dangerous or life threatening.  These experiences are largely relative to each individual; that is, the danger they are exposed to is high in comparison to other things they have done, but not necessarily high compared to the activities of others.

For example, a person is surely partaking in a dangerous activity by smoking two packs of filterless Camels in, say, forty-eight minutes.  While you may see thing as a bit fuzzy for a time, the immediacy of the danger is somewhat less than that of a person who feels the obsession to inspect the hood ornament of high speed White Freightliners.  When a person is lying in a hospital in “serious”, “critical” or “severely damaged:  awaiting replacement parts on back order” condition, the argument as to the relative danger of the activity involved is largely done away with.  I suppose I could hang around the critical care unit and ask these people how they felt, but there’s a certain morbidity to that, not to mention severe boredom and possibly actual work.  Besides, I don’t like hospitals.

Unfortunately, I’m not in a position to draw on my own dangerous experiences, the worst of which could be relegated to near hangnail status.  When I was younger I did experience some moments which were high in danger, but during the activity I didn’t think much about it since I was really busy being involved in a dangerous situation.  My guess is, if you choose a time like this to start thinking about death, these situations become more dangerous because you’re obviously not paying attention to what you’re doing.

As I matured and became more responsible (read:  grew older) these types of things happened with much less frequency and severity.  Nowadays a severe occurrence has pretty much been downgraded to a near-injury experience.  This is largely due to the advent of safety features such a seat belts, personal floatation devices, bright, reflective clothing and Kevlar body armor.  The use of equipment of this nature greatly reduces the odds that a person will come to an untimely end while watching television at home.

[1] This is the maximum velocity an object can reach powered only by the force of gravity, although if you were approaching the ground at this speed the words “terminal velocity” would take on a whole new definition.

         Quite often when writing these little pieces of thinly connected thoughts I spend time contemplating in a booth or table at one of a number of local restaurants whose primary distinction is that they don’t throw me out after I have been sitting around drinking coffee for two hours.  In return, I try not to take up space during peak business times of the day such as lunch hour or coffee break time for city employees.  

          One of my favorite places is situated next to a beautiful park-like setting.  The view from the large windows helps to give me inspiration…if that’s what you can call whatever it is that causes me to write this kind of stuff.  The 25 cent coffee may also be a factor.

          Whatever it is, I have found I gain more than just a break from the walls at home or the inspiration from the park.  Many ideas for my informative essays veritably (collegiate word for “just about”) careen (poetic word for “bounce”) from the exterior ceiling supports and room separators (architectural term for “walls”).  It helps that the acoustical properties of the building make it possible to hear everyone in the place clearly except the person in the booth with you.  Of course, I am getting older and may be developing far-hearedness… a condition present when you can’t hear your daughter saying “Daddy…Daddy…Daddy…” right beside your chair but you complain to your wife that the neighbor three houses down shouldn’t mow his lawn during the play-offs.

          Anyway, the whole advantage of having these conversations as a source of ideas is in having a whole room full of researchers who read volumes of material.  During their interaction with each other I can pick from all of the collective information being passed back and forth.

          Now it’s true that the informants at this particular establishment don’t pass on much information from the Wall Street Journal of political points of view from the Washington Post.  These are, however, people I feel a part of and with whom I am comfortable.  In addition, I find I don’t have to stand in the long line at the grocery store just so I can read the Enquirer or the Weekly World News, since that information is often covered in-depth.

I also gain a great deal of insight into interpersonal relationships.  Just the other day I was told – well, actually I think the lady behind me was told that Cary and Gretal or Gretchen, or maybe even all three, were pregnant and were going to have a pheasant in four months and then they couldn’t go to high school to learn hunting because they wouldn’t allow them out of the nursing home.  It was quite busy that day, but I’ve got it all right here in my notes.

          As you listen it’s possible to pick up tid-bits of valuable folk wisdom, as well.  One day an older gentleman was teaching others how he could blow his nose to clear his hearing – whether he had a cold or not made no difference.  He felt this kept him from wearing a hearing aid.  I think he needed a handkerchief, though, ‘cause he said “What?” a lot.

          In addition I learned that Would you like more coffee, sir?  Excuse me.  I was distracted.  Anyway, I picked up some tips on denture care, soft water versus hard water, support hose and I also covered a conversation on lingerie and its strategic selection for purposeful effect.  I couldn’t bring myself to look but I really kind of hope these discussions didn’t all come from the same table, if you know what I mean.

          By far, the largest number of table-talks cover the topics of:

                     A)  Hunting and fishing

                     2) Vehicles

                     Next to last)  Family

IV)         The direction of society today

Of these subjects, the coverage of motorized vehicles is largely a male topic.  In my attentiveness I have gained many opinions on the superiority of Ford, Chevy, Dodge, Toyota, Isuzu, Bugati, Kenworth and Winnebago.  Points of discussion include engine comparisons, horsepower, fuel efficiency, fuel injection and fuel emissions.  Also torque…(What the heck is torque, anyway?  Have you ever seen the stuff?)  Women, on the other hand, usually only talk about vehicles when they don’t start.

          As a primarily male topic hunting and fishing are covered year-round.  I can often find out where the fish are biting, who will allow you to hunt their land, which loads work best in diverse conditions and who shot B. J. Arnells’ Hereford.  As you can imagine, all of this information is valuable in one way or another, if you know what to do with it.

          Contrary to what you may believe, women spend a lot of time talking about hunting and fishing as well.  Many begin their conversations with the topic, such as:

                     “Have you seen your husband lately?”

          or

“I told him if he was leaving at 4:30 in the morning, he could get up and make his own lunch!”

On occasion women will talk about hunting in a positive light – generally when they want their husbands to be out of the house.

          The next on the list, interpersonal and family discussions, are a co-ed topic, but the depth of the issue is much greater with women.  This is probably the source of the mistaken impression that men are shallow as the kiddy pool.  Men are not shallow.  They are uncaring.  There is a big difference and another ten pages there, which we will cover at another time.

          Anyway, the interpersonal and family topic, when in discussion, is usually confined to people related to the, um, discussioners…or people they know…or people other people they know, know.  And of course, people other people they know have heard of.  Got that?  These conversations make me worry about the direction of society today.

          Granted, these subjects are largely confined to men and women middle aged and older who are firmly entrenched in the lower middle-income socio-economic status.  I do, sometimes, hear teens converse naturally on their favorite topics.  These are usually the enterprising young girls who work as waitresses on the weekends.  When I do find it possible to figure out what it is they’re talking about, I find it has to do with the poor behavior of their classmates and, 79.2% of the time, boys they like…or don’t like…or someone else likes or doesn’t like.  Do you see a pattern here?  Anyway, this information doesn’t usually supply me with any literary ideas, but quite often I gather enough dirt on some local boy to get my lawn mowed for free.  It is, after all, a terrible tool to know that Bob likes Kellys’ sister, but doesn’t want the other guys to know.  Peer pressure can be a powerful thing.

          All in all, I could find a “fancier” place to have my coffee.  Maybe someplace I could hear quotes from Business Week and the McNeil/Lehrer Report or maybe listen in on a discussion on the effects of dimple placement on golfball distance or the longevity of the sex lives of certain members of the Kennedy family.  The idea, however, that someone needs to have conversations about these things is pretty funny in itself and obviously needs no further harassment from me.

          And do you know what a fancy place like that charges for a lousy cup of coffee?!

          Besides, they threw me out after only an hour and twenty minutes.

In my continuing efforts to inform the general reading public of new, interesting, exciting developments – or at least, things that I sometimes think of during moments of lucidity – I feel I should inform you of an interesting discovery I have made:

Men and women are different!

Oh, sure, I noticed some of the more obvious differences already.  Things such as the fact that women are required by some amendment to natural law to remove the hair from their legs in order to wear semi-transparent leggings, whereas if they didn’t remove the hair they would already have semi-transparent leg covering.  Or that men have difficulty in communicating unless using aggressive sporting terminology such as “shoot”, “take-down”, “tackle” or “slam-dunk”, and then they get all the leadership positions promoting peace.

The difference I noticed this time has to do with memory.  It seems that men and women remember things differently.  I’m not saying they can’t agree on the things they remember.  I believe there are documented instances of this actually happening, though I’ve never personally seen it.  And, at this point I would like to state that the fault for that is largely mine.  (That disclaimer should help shield me from any argumentative backlash.)

This should not be a surprise to persons who have been in a relationship…or been around people in a relationship…or read about..; well, you get it.  Anyone who has spent enough time with another person to move past the “whatever you say, dear” stage knows that men and women recall things differently.  As an example of this, let’s look back on a winter Sunday morning after a freezing rain.  My wife and I were standing on the church steps as an older widow lady was having trouble making it up the icy sidewalk.  Naturally, I moved to the bottom of the steps to help the woman to the handrail. After she reached the stabilizing fixture and had regained her balance I removed my steadying hold and turned away.  At this point she apparently slipped on a patch of ice and fell into a snowbank.  As she fell she bumped me and I, becoming deprived of the necessary traction to remain upright, was forced to cushion my fall in the snow rather than strike the ice-covered concrete.  These are the events exactly as they transpired.

My wife, however, remembers that I imprudently bounded down the steps to help a pretty young woman who was doing quite well on her own, thank you.  In her story, I landed on a patch of ice, slid across the sidewalk and careened off the girl, depositing both of us in the snow bank.  This is definitely not the true version of this particular occurrence.

Those of you who are inexperienced in matters of gender-selective memory are probably wondering why I am not upset by such a blatant misrepresentation.  To be honest, I was surprised that, in my wife’s version, I was given the benefit of slipping on the ice rather than falling due to my own clumsiness.  Besides, what she recalls did happen, it just happened on another occasion.

The real memory difference I am here to discuss is the process of memory – the variations in the way women and men tie together the memories they have.

Psychologically the process is generally similar.  People of all genders (meaning two) relate memories to other important events which occur in the same time period.  A person may hear a certain song and automatically recall a specific dance they went to or a special date they had.  This is quite normal, especially in the memories of adolescence or young adulthood.

Beyond these years, male and female memory structures diverge.  Both men and women will still recall an occurrence and place in a certain time period by associating it with an important personal event.  Women usually use deep, sentimental moments:  engagement, marriage and, mostly…children.

“That was in 1986,” she may say, “because we already had Bobby and Sarah.  I was still pregnant with Mikey, though, and he was born in July.  I recall the weather was nice, so it must have been June.”

As far as memory associations go, this is about as accurate as any if you don’t have an eidetic memory, in which case you’re probably too insufferable to be in a relationship with anyone, anyway.  Short of keeping a calendar or journal of such things as when Karen quit seeing Tom and started going out with Mark, that is.

Men would not remember when this type of incident occurred by associating the event with their children (actually, they may not remember it at all)…unless maybe one of his children threw up on Tom causing him to question family-life, commitment and his relationship with Karen and running off without looking back, thereby leaving Karen open to have a meaningful relationship with Mark.  And men probably wouldn’t even remember this unless it happened during a big game or maybe on Super Bowl Sunday.

To remember the time-frame of an event of substantial importance, a male will recall:

“We drove there in that ’81 Buick…we had that before the big Chrysler.  The carburetor was already starting to give me trouble so it must have been in the summer of ’86 sometime ‘cause the kids were out of school.  I remember ‘cause they were drivin’ me nuts.”

You may think, compared to the importance of the events used by women to associate memories, that this method is cold and heartless, lacking sentiment of any sort.  Nothing could be further from the truth…

I had a lot of warm feelings for that car.

Cooking in the outdoors has always been one of my favorite activities…or, I guess that’s eating in the great outdoors. Actually, I think eating anywhere is what I enjoy. But then, eating while outdoors is great because it saves me the trip back to the house.

Some men rarely cook when they’re at home. While that is not true for me, it is true that everything I make outdoors tastes better than the same fare prepared at home. This is due primarily to the meal planning and what is known as the hunger/taste ratio. This ratio is used as an indicator which assumes that the acceptable taste of a particular food increases in direct proportion to the hunger of the dining subject. I use this ratio in conjunction with trail meal planning, which consists largely of another indicator ratio, the hunger/hike ratio. This indicator states that the farther and harder a person hikes, the hungrier he or she will be. It follows that the hungrier the person is, the tastier a relative meal will be. It is by the use of this equation that most of my outdoor preparations become palatable.

Actually, after a long day of hiking some tough mountain trails, I have seen a group thoroughly enjoy a dandelion green and Canada thistle salad with a main course of pine bark stew with spruce cone croutons. (This recipe’s secret demands the use of pine bark, not spruce.) According to Patrick F. McManus, who wrote the book Watchagot Stew, you can mix anything you have available in with your stew. Personally, I don’t recommend rocks when in the core of a mountain chain – the granite and quartzite cannot be boiled enough to become soft even though they are a great source of minerals. Rocks from the foothills, with their higher moisture content, may be more adaptable to this recipe’.

Anyway, outdoor, um, gormeticism, while a subjective art, is not difficult to commit, er, do. Basically you have three heat source options: Cooking over an open fire, charcoal heat or a campstove. All methods of outdoor cooking fall under, or into, these three heat sources. I have a friend who made a wonderful meal using the 1988 Yellowstone wildfires as a heat source, but that would fall under open fire cooking. Also, I understand that with the proper equipment, an excellent job of cooking can be done using solar power. This is not so much a cooking heat source as it is something I know nothing about, so I will not consider it in the otherwise comprehensive text of this article.

Cooking over an open fire is the oldest method of cooking with the possible exception of electric roasting. You see, it is a little known scientific and archeological fact that wooly mammoth tusks acted much like lightning rods. This would leave the creature unevenly cooked but with an ample variety for all the different tastes in the tribe, from rare to well done. You didn’t think they all froze to death or got stuck in tar pits or something, did you?

Anyway, while used early in mans’ history, open fire cooking is no longer common. The flames are extremely hot and difficult to control for even cooking. My open flame cooking technique could best be described as “rare Cajun”; that is, blackened on the outside and largely raw on the inside. Since this method appeals to very few people, regardless of hours hiked, I tend to prefer cooking over charcoal or coals from the wood fire.

Charcoal cooking on a grill is well known to almost everyone. It is also possible to use this method outside your usual backyard perimeter. Using coals as a heat source produces a steady, more controlled heat than an open fire and is much more manageable. Cooking over coals may be done by the familiar grilling method whereby you place food directly on the coals by first dropping it through a grate of some type. This apparently has a straining effect but I don’t know what’s being strained aside from the chef’s patience. I believe this action is merely a male ritual of ancient origin since it is always followed by loud chanting of specific obscenities. A large percentage of the men I know perform this rite in much the same way, although the chanting may differ. Possibly a tribal variation.

Coals also work well with any number of cooking or baking devices from Dutch ovens or reflective ovens to tin foil or a skillet over the heat source. Any method that allows you to ruin a perfectly good meal at home will work over coals. One very old method of cooking originally used by native Americans is pit cooking. A large hole is dug several feet deep and coals are lit within. When the coals are glowing nicely, wrap a roast, potatoes, or whatever you desire cooked in wet burlap or some other protective layering and place it on the coals in the pit. Cover this very loosely with dirt and leave for 8 to 12 hours…more or less depending on the number of coals, the size or volume of the cooking items and whether you remember where you buried it. This method is primitive but effective and can be satisfying to the pallet as well as to deep survivalist neurosis, er, urges. It also teaches us an understanding of the struggle of early man, not to mention the proper use of a shovel.

A more sophisticated method of outdoor cooking is by the use of a camp stove. These are most common in the models fueled by white gas or propane. Cooking on these stoves is the same as cooking on your stove at home except for the need to screen the flame from the wind, pump up the pressure in the tank, prime the burner for initial lighting, heat the vaporization tube…okay, so it’s not the same as cooking on the stove at home. After these tasks are completed, however, the procedure for burning your meal is precisely the same.

For backpacking, the standard Coleman style twin burner stove is somewhat (as in very) large, but its offspring, the single burner pack stove, is light, efficient and easier to carry than a 20 pound bag of charcoal briquettes. Meals prepared on these stoves should be planned well ahead of time. Prepackaging one pot meals for use on the trail can be very helpful as they are quick and easy to prepare on your lone heat source. To save weight many meals are offered as freeze-dried fare. These are quite often edible and actually very tasty. They also take the fun out of outdoor cooking. Meals planned and prepared by yourself on a packstove have that extra flavor which only comes from trail dirt, white gas and extreme fatigue. It’s sometimes helpful for beginning outdoor chefs to find some special outdoor cooking books, but to be totally honest, recipes for cooking over these heat sources can be taken from your collection at home…or your wife’s collection at home, as the case may be. Most primitive gourmets tend to discard this wise advice, however. I have a camping buddy who packs a box full of spices for his camp cooking that makes his wife’s home supply look like a starter kit, yet he doesn’t cook a hot dog at home without scorching it. This, at least, can be ultimately recognized as a burnt hot dog. His outdoor menu is rather overbuilt. Now that I think about it, he could be over-spicing for purposes of camouflage. We usually need to stop early so Jim can get to his cooking. By the time he’s finished with preparation, everyone is showing signs of malnutrition. It could be that Jim is privy to my indicator ratios but, like his cooking, he tends to stretch them out too much as well.

After all, there’s only so much you can expect from starvation.