Welcome to another edition of Naturalists’ Corner.  At this time of year, as we stand waist deep in snow, ice scraper in one hand, fuel bill in the other, I would like to take the opportunity to educate you on the subject of global warming.

Wait, don’t slog off!  I’m not going to ask for any donations.  I’m simply going to inform…or at least relate to you the information as I understand it.

Global warming is a very complex subject which should probably be covered by a qualified scientist who could explain it to you in specific, scientific terminology which you wouldn’t understand for even the short while you were awake.  For that matter, a lawyer or politician would serve the same purpose, but I can’t afford to hire a scientist, retain a lawyer or buy a politician to talk to you…at least not without taking donations.  So let’s us laymen (that is, persons who know nothing about the subject they are covering) take a look at the problem.

There are many theories which are used to explain the global warming phenomenon.  All of them are connected to the expansion of world population of humans and an increase in the use of technology.  If this is true, at least in some part, then it would be safe to assume that one solution would be to immediately decrease the worlds population by, say 50%.  I’m only guessing here of course, but I would say this is not an acceptable solution to the problem.  With that in mind, let’s look at some other possible reasons for global warming.

One of the most obscure theories and, naturally, my personal favorite, is the “door-to-large-buildings” theory.  This theory is pretty simple and self-explanatory, which I’m sure is why it never caught on with the Scientific Community.  (I believe the Scientific Community is somewhere in California or maybe Massachusetts, but I don’t know for sure.)  This theory states that the large number of people constantly going in and out of really big heated buildings, like the Empire State Building, the Pentagon or the Mall of America to name just a few, allow many millions of BTU’s (Big Temperature Units) of heat to escape into the atmosphere.  This is based on common knowledge you most probably learned from your mother:  “Close that door!  You’re letting all the heat out!  Were you born in a barn?”  This is a useless question, because you were too small to remember and she should know without asking.

Scientifically, however, the sun already heats the earth and does so at a relatively constant rate year in and year out.  All of the extra heat we add to the atmosphere by opening these doors causes a minute increase in the global temperature, thereby melting the ice caps and flooding our homes.  As I say, this is not a big favorite with scientists, particularly those who have some type of formal education.

A good percentage of scientists like to talk about the greenhouse effect.  While it sometimes sounds ominous, it is this greenhouse effect which allows us to live on the planet in the first place.  You see, the suns’ energy comes through the atmosphere and is reflected off of the earth’s surface back into outer space.  The atmosphere acts as a greenhouse to hold some of that energy in the form of heat.  If it didn’t, we’d have to thaw our air before we breathed it and we’d never get anything else done.

As an example, let’s say you’re driving west down the highway at two o’clock on a sunny afternoon.  It’s a comfortable 64 degrees outside but the vent in your car doesn’t work and your window won’t roll down.  It’s obvious you need a new car.  It’s also obvious that some of that sunlight is reflecting out of your car, but not enough to keep the polyester in your sweater from melting.  That’s the greenhouse effect.

The theory associated with the harmful planetary greenhouse effect is that carbon dioxide and water vapor help to keep a larger portion of heat from escaping the atmosphere.  Since burning fossil fuels such as coal and oil produces carbon dioxide, we’re causing an increase in global temperature by increasing this barrier which keeps in heat.  In the northern states and Canada that sounds like a great idea.  However, scientists estimate (that’s technological terminology for  “guess”) that a continuous increase over a period of roughly 100 years would result in an overall sea level rise of two feet.  This would be disastrous for that little kid in Holland with his finger in the dike, not to mention other low lying areas such as Florida and Bangladesh.

The factual problem with this theory is that while average temperatures have increased in the Southern Hemisphere, they have decreased in the Northern Hemisphere.  In this case, any theoretical increase in sea level from the ice thaw in Antarctica would be offset, theoretically, by an increase in accumulated ice at the Arctic.  And since theoretical sea water freezes at the same temperature as factual sea water, there is no evidence, at present, that you should take up ark building as your main hobby…theoretically.

Another serious problem directly related to the greenhouse effect is the depletion of the ozone layer.  This is a protective layer, high in the atmosphere, which helps filter the harmful infra-red light from reaching the planets’ surface, which is where we tend to spend most of our time wandering around.  This infra-red light is connected to some of mankind’s most serious problems.  Things such as skin cancer, the suppression of the human immunoresponse system and those little cracks you get in the dash of your car when you park in the sun all the time.  It’s also a major source of heat energy, which is another point of concern toward global warming:  an increased amount of infra-red radiation is making it through the ozone layer to reach the earth and further increase the average temperature.

“What,” you ask yourself, “are we doing to cause this?”

Well, one thing is the chemical we have been using to cool our food and ourselves.

“That doesn’t make any sense!”, you say?  (I love these interactive articles.)  “How can a refrigerant cause our planet to heat up?  Shouldn’t this cause an overall decrease in temperature like it does in our ’78 Malibu when the air conditioning switch isn’t working?”

The answer is a resounding, “What?!?”  Sorry.  I wasn’t paying attention.

Actually, the answer would be no, it won’t cause lower temperatures.  Here again we must resort to technical scientific verbal usage (jargon) to explain that the common refrigerant of the last 40 years has been a chemical commonly known as “freon”.  This is in a family of chemicals designated CFC’s which to the layman (that’s us again) means, uh, concentrated freezing compounds…maybe.  Back in the scientific community, however, this means Cloro-flouro-carbons, a biologically harmless gas which has been used for many other things over the years including aerosol propellants, which is why, in the past when you used your spray deodorant in order to keep from emitting an unpleasant odor, you were actually polluting the atmosphere…another fact which makes no sense.

The real problem with these CFC’s is that they float up to the ozone layer where they break down into hydrogen nitrates and chlorine oxides – which is a crime in many southern states.  Anyway, these chemicals help catalyze the destruction of the ozone layer by undermining the moral character of today’s youth and by a series of complex chemical reactions.  (Just checking to see if you’re still paying attention.  Besides, everything undermines the moral character of youth.  That’s why you have to keep building it.)  In the end, one molecule of CFC’s can destroy thousands of molecules of ozone.  This is one of the reasons there is a large hole in the ozone layer over Australia and Antarctica.  While this doesn’t seem to have caused any great problems in Antarctica, at least not yet, there is evidence of increased incidence of skin cancer in Australia.  It should be noted that Antarctica suffers the same effects, it’s just that there is a lower ratio of sunbathing and general skin exposure on Antarctic beaches than of their Australian counterparts.

So even though it’s as sketchy as a prehistoric cave drawing, we can see by this evidence that depletion of the ozone layer is a serious problem which should be dealt with.  Its effect on global warming, however, is even more questionable and unsubstantiated than the greenhouse theory.

Still more scientists, perhaps those from a different school of thought or maybe from the other side of the tracks in the Scientific Community, tell us that some 100 million years ago there were no permanent polar ice caps.  Of course, the total amount of land above the surface of the water at that time was about equal to the size of Montana – only not as crowded.  It’s unlikely that the dinosaurical-type creatures alive at the time caused the higher global temperatures by burning fossil fuels and generating a prehistoric greenhouse effect…after all, those creatures are part of our fossil fuels.

More recently the earth has experienced a regular rhythm of temperature changes.  This rhythm, which has repeated itself at least ten times over the past million years or so, consists of about 100,000 years of ice age, followed by an interglacial period of 10,000 to 20,000 years.  These climactic variations are believed to be caused by changes in the orientation of the earth as it wobbles around the sun.  Oh, we can’t really see or feel it wobbling, but on a universal scale it looks like a hyperactive, out-of-balance top.  The actual tilt of the earth changes from about 22 degrees off center to roughly 24.5 degrees.  I believe this is caused by unequal population distribution or the shipment of too many goods from developing nations to countries with severe trade deficits.  Whatever the reason, it does this on a relatively regular basis (galactically, that is) and as the angle changes, the amount of solar energy reaching the earth changes as well.  This, in turn, causes the global temperatures to fluctuate.

The really irritating part of this hypothesis is that according to the pattern the planet has exhibited over the past million years, it is projected that we are at the end of one of those interglacial-type periods.  This means that the planet will gradually get colder over the next, oh, month and a half or at least over the next several thousand years until we have wooly mammoths running around all over the place and instead of the bus, we’ll just take the express glacier downtown…maybe.

All of these theories have their positive and negative arguments, from both the scientific and common-sense points of view.  And all of them, whether they’re 100% correct or not, lead to the fact that we need to be careful with our world – both in what we do to cause a problem and in what we do to correct the problem.

It’s kind of like taking down the old half-dead tree in the back yard…we really do need to be sure which way the thing is going to fall before the people next door look through the hole in their roof and catch us with the saw in our hand.

A helpful hint for all you critically self-involved and color blind people out there.  It’s Christmas time.

If you haven’t noticed the huge Santa’s and extravagant retail displays or seen and heard those people ringing their bells as you entered your favorite shopping place, you must have noticed the predominance of the traditional Christmas decorator colors, red and green.  Naturally, it’s easy to become confused.  Each holiday has its own colors:  Independence Day is red, white and blue; Halloween is orange and black, St. Patrick’s Day is green and Easter is shaded in those pastel hues which are uncertain as to whether they want to be actual colors or not.

Years ago, before someone started to color code holidays, they could sneak up on you.  Decorations would come out of the boxes two or three weeks before Christmas and if you were really preoccupied with something like health concerns, a large business deal or a major political coup you could go to work one morning and find the office conspicuously deserted.  Today, however, the festive Christmas hangings go up before the Halloween promotions fall.  They all but skip Thanksgiving, which gets maybe one aisle for a couple of weeks.  There’s obviously no money in Thanksgiving – probably because of those earth tone reds, oranges and yellows…how festive is that?

There’s also a certain electricity in the air at Christmas time.  An excitement that permeates the air.  A joyous amicability toward all people, especially those from whom you may get a gift.  There’s an understanding of others and a love for all people who…  Okay, so maybe it’s the electrical fields generated by all those sickeningly happy colored little lights combined with a palpable increase in the tension of people all over the community who are worried about spending the exact same amount on each of the kids, whether or not to buy a gift for the janitor who cleans the teachers’ lounge which is used by the math instructor of your 8^th grader or if the amount of your life insurance policy covers your accumulated Christmas debt.

Whatever the method, these are all wonderful ways to tell that Christmas is near, so get in the mood.  HO! HO! HO!  Merry Christmas!  Seasons Greetings!

What?  Not that easy for you?  Maybe you could try something else the business community uses to artificially stimulate your shopping glands…  Like music.  Music is a terrific mood setter.  Perhaps you could listen to some Christmas songs.  How about some timeless Christmas classics like “Christie, the Christmas Mouse” or “It’s Christmas and I Wonder Where I Am” or perhaps the mournful, yet rockin’ “ I Won’t Be Twisting This Christmas.”  You should be able to find these and others scattered about irregularly in stores and broadcasts a few weeks before Thanksgiving.  After Thanksgiving you will likely be hard-pressed to find anything else to the point of finally searching the AM radio dial the final week before Christmas in an effort to find Casey Kasem’s irritating sing-song twang in a forty year old rerun simply to listen to some notes strung together without the use of bells…  Only to find Casey’s annual countdown of the top 100 Christmas songs of all time. (Bing Crosby’s version of “White Christmas” is #1, so you don’t have to force yourself to listen for curiosities sake.)

If none of these methods work, it’s possible you could take a minute to look at the reason for the holiday of Christmas – the true meaning behind the season.  No, it wasn’t developed by the CCC (Coalition of Card Companies) or the Brazen Alliance for Happy Hedonism Under Major Businesses United Globally (BAHHUMBUG).  Also, while some guy of Popish occupation (that was Pope Gregory, the calendar guy, but you won’t remember anyway so I won’t bore you with that info) decided the given holiday should be celebrated on the 25^th of December, he didn’t originate the true meaning of Christmas, either.

The true meaning of Christmas is found in the 2000 year old teachings of a carpenter from the province of Galilee in early Israel.  NO! It has nothing to do with the proper way of forming a dove-tail joint…you’re not really from this planet, are you?  This time of year was set aside as the time to rejoice the birth of Christ, the focus of the most influential religion the world has yet known.  The idea is to celebrate the occurrence…  Not only what it means to those who hold this faith as their own but, just as importantly, what the lessons and basic tenets of its teachings are to all people, regardless of their particular beliefs.

This, of course, is a noble and benevolent conviction based on love and charity toward everyone, not just toward the chairmen and boards of directors of the major retailers in the world.  And neither is it based on love and charity for everyone within your gift hierarchy, which is the relativity of the individual person to your personal, um, personage.  What I do mean by this is E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E, not just those you know and like or wish to suck up to.  For example, it is not within the “true meaning of Christmas” to scream angrily and with great loudness at the 3^rd shift sub-assistant manager Super Toy Wholesale Outlet because she hasn’t had the new Ionizing Nuclear Slimy Alien Appendage Melter with true action light and sound effects, not including batteries in the store since 11:45 AM the day after Thanksgiving.  She doesn’t work in the factory making the things, she has nothing to do with the distribution or the shipping company and she didn’t sell the last one for sole purpose of keeping your already over-stimulated child from getting one for Christmas (although she probably will next year).  As a matter of fact, if she holds the true meaning of Christmas she will likely understand and forgive you for your red-faced, sociopathic outburst…  But probably not.

So stop what you’re doing – just for a few minutes – and look around you.  Put on a festive tie or pin a Christmas bell on your sweater.  Heck, you can put on a red suit and laugh a lot if it helps, but I wouldn’t get TOO carried away with the surface stuff.  Be kind to your kids and your parents and your neighbors and your co-workers.  That’s easy.  You should nice to them, anyway.  The object is to be nice to people you don’t know.  Try it!  That should put you in the TRUE Christmas spirit.

And while you’re at it, put up some of those decorator Christmas colors in your window – maybe your critically self-involved neighbor will see them and smile.

Merry Christmas.

I went shopping the other day.   I didn’t mean to…  Well, I did, I guess, but I was distracted by the task at hand and I didn’t think about what day it was.

Black Friday!

Just the name itself should warn people against leaving their homes.  I think they should give people more shopping time and move it to a Friday earlier in the month.  That way they could call it Black Friday the 13^th. The name would be more portentous, giving it an even more ominous sound.  In addition, the occurrence would drop substantially, since Friday the 13^th in November doesn’t occur very often.

Had I remembered it was “The Purge”[i] shopping day, I’d have left the house with body armor and a firearm of some sort.  Actually, the last time I left the house that early in the morning, I was going hunting.  And, in retrospect, I now feel bad that I was shooting at things that didn’t treat me near as poorly as Black Friday shoppers…  Don’t follow that line of thought.  I have, and it doesn’t lead anywhere good, trust me.

Why do we do these things?  Shopping like barbarians, not hunting like barbarians, I mean.  I’ll address that at another time.  Granted, IF we happen to be early enough, we can buy a 90 inch high definition TV for $139.00 or a year’s supply of aromatic (?) candles for $7.50.  Still, is that enough to surrender our humanity?  Yeah, stupid question, I know.  Still, people do it year after year.  I’ve heard families call it a “tradition”.  Many of them spend time on Thanksgiving Day gathering together, celebrating their appreciation for all they have and then, after a wonderful meal is finished and everything is put away, they strategically plan how to attack the participating retail establishments in order to defeat any other shoppers who DARE to capture the best deals!  You know, the things they were thankful for yesterday.

Okay, that may sound a bit “military” in nature, but the metaphor is there to relate the aggression many people carry into the endeavor.  Actually, comparing the approach to a military action is unfair.  No self-respecting modern military organization would consider fielding such an undisciplined group of soldiers.

All the same, people who use this event as an excuse to get out and jump start their Christmas shopping are probably doing themselves, as well as retail establishments,  a favor – even while doing the rest of us a disservice.  They are playing PAWN to the Capitalist Dogs!  They’re assisting the bourgeoisie institutions to keep the common people DOWN!  They are simply…

Sorry.  I think I was channeling Groucho Marx for a moment…or maybe John Lennon (or Lenin), I’m not sure.  Where was I?

Oh, yes, the disservice!  Many of us have family members who have to work early in the morning, forcing us to cut our day of giving thanks back to an early afternoon of celebration so Uncle Mike can get to bed ‘cause he has to be at work at 3 AM.   And, because we have to do a midday dinner instead of supper, we have to get up and start cooking instead of taking those few more lovely minutes of sleep we look forward to at holidays.  Can’t go to Grandma’s for the weekend because Sally has to work – NOBODY gets THIS weekend off!  Nope!  No family game-time this evening folks, but it’s okay because we can save ourselves a couple of bucks in the morning.  That is, if you practiced your blocking, elbowing and tripping techniques.  So, by all means, let’s reward those greedy merchandisers for messing up our holiday just so they can get the money they were likely to get anyway!

Now that I’ve taken it to the ACR’s (American Capitalist Retailers), I need to buttonhole the cause of the problem; the ROUS’s…  No, that’s a different acronym[ii].  The situation is caused by the GASP (Greedy As Sh…, no, Greedy American Shopping Public).

Yes, WE did it!  WE caused the problem in the first place.  Technically, a small percentage of the shopping public caused the problem by falling for the advertising propaganda and rushing to the store on the whim of some kid with a Bachelor’s in Marketing and a burning desire for a corner office.  He got a promotion and you got sore feet from standing in line and a loose incisor from a feisty old lady in the electronics department.  The worst part is, since a portion of Americans took their whole Christmas shopping fund to the store on ONE DAY, the business community said, “Hey!  That’s pretty good!  Let’s stop now.”

Okay, yeah.  I was just seeing if you were paying attention.  What they did is continue to urge you to overspend your holiday budget.  This must have worked on some people, because next years new kid with the Bachelors of Marketing, in an attempt to show his worth and try for his very own corner office, came up with the amazing suggestion of increasing the amount of the sales and starting them earlier.  As the years went by, the hours got earlier, the “door buster” deals got better and the shoppers got more aggressive.

Shall I go on?  I thought not.

In the end, we owe this blemish on American culture to – American culture.  But, in the end, who do you think caused the problem?  These are the same people that brought you midnight infomercials and ESPN Classic.

Although sports re-runs make Gilligan’s Island look a lot better.

[i] For those of you who are unfamiliar with this riveting piece of cinema, the plot is based upon a 12 hour period when all crime is legal.  The result, of course, is that many people lose all civility – much as they do on Black Friday.  As a footnote to a footnote, it all sounds kind of like an old original “Star Trek” episode (The Return of the Archons), and I apologize for knowing that.

[ii] This is from an actually good piece of cinema, but doesn’t directly apply.  Look it up.

Another holiday is fast approaching.  Actually, since standard time measurements are used in the case of holidays as well as other days, I think they’re all approaching at about the same speed, so I don’t know why people say that.  Some, like St. Patrick’s Day, 2028, are still quite some time off, but the speed of approach is pretty much consistent.

To visualize this let’s say you’re waiting in Kansas.  A passenger train leaves New York heading west and another leaves Los Angeles heading east.  Both trains are moving toward you at the same speed.  Which one will pick you up first?  Well, neither one probably, since passenger trains don’t stop many places in the Midwest anymore.  But my point is forgotten already, so I’ll just go back to where I started.

Presidents’ Day, Martin Luther Kings’ Birthday, Ash Wednesday or Groundhog Day in Canada (where, in some locales a bear is often used as a substitute for a groundhog – more exciting when trying to determine if the creature saw his shadow, I would guess).  Just look at your calendar!  If those calendar people were doing their jobs there’s probably a holiday every week or so – more if they searched other countries for reasons to fill that little space below the number.  Even discounting the holidays of minimum importance still leaves you a formidable barricade of notable days to, er, note.  These days of note have come a long way from their original intention, which was to allow an extra day for people to rid themselves of their excess cash by going shopping and buying things they really wouldn’t need if they didn’t have so much leisure time on their hands like they do when they get a holiday every few weeks.  Well, actually, that reasoning came later on…I really just used that as a literary “hook” to keep you, the reader, interested while I went through the boring history stuff.

The holiday began as a “holy-day”; an early civilized need to celebrate the mysteries of nature, the inherent awareness of the existence of a supreme deity and a darn good reason to have a party (keep in mind the Super Bowl had not yet emerged from the negotiation stages).  It was no accident that the first holidays, or holy-days, coincided with natural events such as the equinoxes or the day of the death of a chieftain or “the falling of the light from the sky” (most likely a meteor, though the stone tabloids of the day reported it as a visit from the gods and some lunatic from the other side of the woods claimed he was abducted and held for days).  These occurrences were still unknown, supernatural events attributed to the whims of the gods – something these early tribes could not understand…much as adolescence is in today’s’ society.

The organization of religions brought uniformity in the placement of holy days.  Many still coincide with natural events, such as the placement of Christmas near the winter solstice or the 4^th of July on the actual day of July fourth, which is, it turns out, a naturally occurring day.

In modern cultures, religious celebrations are some of the most prominent of days, but they are no longer the only holidays you need to remember.  Now we have days to note events or people and, of course, governmental holidays, which use taxation, secret federal laboratories, advanced military technology and, I believe, mirrors to make most of these days fall on Monday.  Some, such as Thanksgiving, Independence Day and religious holidays like Christmas still fall on days at the whim of the calendar but as technology improves these days, too, will fall on Mondays.

Today most governments and religions have their own holidays and while many have pockets of commonality around the world, New Years Day is the only formal holiday celebrated by nearly all cultures worldwide.  Even China now recognizes the first day of January as the beginning of the New Year.  Traditionally, however, China has held the year to begin on “Moon Day”, the first day of the first lunar moon…following the third Sunday after you pass Park Place and Boardwalk with hotels.  This is always somewhere between January 21^st and February 9^th.  It’s ambiguous, true, but it really spreads out the celebration if you start on December 31.

Most holidays, obscure or not, have another thing in common – they are slow to die.  For example, one or two Nordic countries still celebrate St. Knut’s Day, the day in the year 1038 that Canute the Great (I’ve never heard of him, either, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t a great guy.) decreed that fasting between Christmas and Epiphany should be eliminated.  Now since Epiphany, considered the 12^th day of Christmas, falls on January 6^th it’s no wonder people called him a Saint and honored him with a day of his own.  I would guess people got a little irritable near the end there…not to mention hungry.  This holiday is still recognized in its native country.  Today, however, it’s the day to get rid of your Christmas tree, if you haven’t already done so.  Not much of an honor for St. Knut, but at least they remember him which is more than you can say for his predecessor, Olaf the Thin.

Another example of holiday passé’ is Boxing Day, once noted throughout the British Empire.  At one time this day, December 26^th, was the day a small box was passed to collect donations for postmen, dustmen and other menial laborers.  Nowadays it’s the day people box up their gifts and return them for cash refunds.

Russia is the home of Clean Tent Day.  This was way up north in the hinterlands of what is now Siberia and took place when the polar sun first appeared after the polar winter.  When this occurred the Shaman of the tribe sat in a tent for 3 to 9 days waiting for a vision.  I assume since he couldn’t go out to have lunch or go ice fishing or stop at the pool hall he did the dishes and laundry and dusting and such and that’s where the name came from…it’s just a guess.

Not to be forgotten is the chrysalis of the day of Candlemass, celebrated to commemorate the presentation of Jesus in the temple.  While this is obviously a Christian day of note, which was recognized in many countries, we must blame the Scots for bringing it to us as we recognize it today.  According to an old Scottish couplet;  “if Candlemass is fair and clear, there’ll be two winters this year.”  (Note:  this rhyme must be spoken in a Scottish brogue, but the reader – that’s you – needs to supply that.)  Apparently on that first February 2^nd, when the priest came out of the temple, he saw his shadow and there was a long winter.  In modern times priests have many other important duties and this task has been relegated to a groundhog.

This is just a tiny sampling of the holidays there are to contend with throughout the year.  To accurately estimate the true number, I have used scientifically proven formulas to establish a figure of either 35, which is the number of pre-printed notations in my pocket calendar, and 4,682, which is the largest number I came up with during my calculations.  In order to contend with this extreme grouping I have developed a simplified approach to classification that drastically reduces the number of notes you will need to leave yourself.

The first category is the Day-off holiday.  This one is extremely easy because people have a tendency to remember when they can sleep all morning.  If you happen to forget that it’s a holiday you will be reminded when you get to work and there’s no one else there.  Forget trying to keep track of this one – it’ll take care of itself.

The next grouping covers the Celebrating holidays.  This includes things like New Years Day and Christmas and Thanksgiving and the 7^th anniversary of winning the city bowling tournament, depending on how desperate you are to have something “meaningful” in your life to celebrate.  These are days which may require some preparation and generally call for you to get together with family or friends and eat and drink a bit too much – usually to a point where you feel sluggish and dull and you can barely move without extreme effort and good reason, like, if you need another beer.  These holidays normally involve an invitation so you don’t have to worry about these, either.  Someone will call you and tell you what to bring.

Finally – and this the most critical and difficult category – are the “need to remember” holidays.  These are mostly contrived holidays thought up by people who are now wealthy from selling paraphernalia associated with the holidays, which they made up solely because they felt these people needed recognition.  Days in this category are Mothers’ Day, Fathers’ Day, Valentines’ Day, Secretary’s’ Day, Bosses’ Day, the Rude-Kid-Behind-the-Counter-At-the-Fast-Food-Restaurant Day, etc.  Personal holidays such as birthdays and anniversaries also fall into this realm.  You don’t need me to tell you how important it is to remember these days to help ensure the smooth operation of all your personal relationships…but I’ll tell you anyway.  This is REALLY important, okay?

My recommendation is to immediately go through your new calendar and highlight these days.  If you happen to be the kind of person who only looks at each day as it arrives, I’d further suggest placing a warning marker maybe a week before each day you need to remember.  This will give you ample time to forget to send your mother a Mothers’ Day card, but enough time to think up a good excuse.

Please be sure to set aside, in some special way, the days involving your spouse or sweetheart.  Perhaps mark these days in red or use some other danger sign to attract your attention.  You may want to simply clip a check or cash to these days so you know you need to buy something thoughtful.  You may even want to write down some considerate gifts under these days so at the last minute you don’t lose much of your cognizant abilities under the pressure and buy her another fishing rod or, worse yet, a new iron (nice job, Bonehead).

Hopefully some of these tips and informational notes will be of help to you.  Naturally you will find some holidays will cover more than one category, such as Christmas, which covers all three.  This system has, however, worked well for me and with some modifications may be able to help you as well.

…Please forgive me if you don’t get a birthday card from me, though.  The little squares under the numbers on my calendar are such a mess with notes that I can’t really read everything.

            Again!  I find it difficult to believe that another of my favorite restaurant/coffee house/writing places is closing its doors yet again.

            Okay, I guess I don’t find it surprising as much as I find it disconcerting and rather sad… at least for the owners and operators of the establishments I frequent.  Now, part of the problem is the type of places I tend to spend my time writing.  It can’t be too busy because, let’s face it, they wouldn’t put up with me sitting around taking up their space.  You know – space that paying customers would use.

              Don’t get me wrong, I pay for stuff.  It’s just that the time I spend sitting there generally extends far beyond the normal table time for wheat toast and coffee…sometimes just coffee.  I tip well, though management doesn’t profit from that, so they could care less. 

            In addition, if it’s a busy, popular destination, it’s likely too noisy for me to concentrate on my writing.  Well, not THIS kind of writing; this doesn’t take concentration so much as it does a moderate amount of alcohol.  And the places that serve alcohol don’t like it, either.  Perhaps I can reduce my overactive guilt response by remembering that if the location were busy in the first place I likely wouldn’t even be there.

            … 

            Nope.  That didn’t help.

            Of course, now that word is out that the restaurant is closing, it’s hard to find a table.  People are everywhere.  If these folks had come out of the woodwork before, I wouldn’t have the impetus to be writing this.  Or I would; it would just be about another place that I killed because this place would have been too busy.  Are you following me?  Yeah – sorry about that.

            I understand that someone purchased this building in order to turn it into a hair salon/bar/restaurant.  Yes, you understood me.  Go back and read that over again.  I actually expect it to be a popular place, primarily because the idea is different.  Do you know why it’s different?  BECAUSE THEY’RE CUTTING HAIR THE SAME PLACE THEY’RE MAKING YOUR FOOD!

            Oh, sure, the local Department of You Have To Keep That Clean is sure to give them a great number of GOOPs (Governmental Hoops) to jump through.  They will have to keep the food preparation areas cleaned in accordance with state and federal law.  The cut hair will have to be vacuumed and filtered through something like a…double prime neutron laser filter and I’m very sure the business areas will be well separated, still…  

            How about you and I start a new business:  Acme Auto Service and Fine Steak House.  You can get your oil changed and your tires rotated while you enjoy a premium steak dinner.  (You have to say “premium”, which is actually “average”, or else people will think it’s, like, formed chopped steak or laminated hamburger or something.)  Anyway, I’m leery of the business plan, just in case you were wondering.

            Of course, in today’s business climate you need to have a gimmick; something to draw people in.  In addition, if you have more than one specialty, you can hold onto your customers once you get them. From that perspective, the auto service and steak house isn’t such a bad idea (don’t believe that – it really IS a bad idea).  But you know what is a GOOD idea? 

            The SHOE BAR!  A specialty bar for women…and men.  Of any preference.  The premise would be as simple as it sounds.  Stop in for a drink and check out the newest shoe designs and fashions (which are the same as the old designs and fashions, just, uh, newer).  You can try them on while you relax with a drink and perhaps an aperitif.  I’m sure the State Department of You Can’t Do That will have a great many BLIP’s (Bureaucratic Line-Item Precautions) you’ll have to deal with, what with the shoe removal, footwear thing, but I’m sure the interest will outweigh the overhead.  I’m guessing the largest orders will be for wine.  If your market will support it, you can have a high end wing with designer shoes and $1500.00 bottles of wine.  No nachos or onion rings in this venue; only caviar and calamari. 

            Think of it ladies!  You stop by with your friends after a hard day at the office (the shop, the diner, the factory…whatever), sit down to a relaxing cosmopolitan and try on a cute new pair of pumps.  Maybe some new heels in a deep burgundy.  You KNOW they match that new blouse you bought.  Have another glass of wine and think about it.  How about this new red blend we have – just about the same color as those shoes…  It may be prudent to have a specific area where you can shop for and try on athletic footwear.  I would stock primarily light beers and merlot at this bar, but it’s just an idea.  This particular area would make a great buffer to a regular sports bar.  Sure, while some of your customers will be men, it would be nice to have a place where you could take money from “Joe Average” while he’s waiting for his “significant other” to finish shopping.  Or drinking.  Preferably both. 

            But that’s not where I was going when I started this, is it?  Don’t think I’ll go to a haircutting restaurant, so I guess I need to find a new place to go.  I certainly hope all the other places haven’t seen my record of restaurant closures.  I’ll never be able to get in anywhere!

            Maybe that’s why they always make me wait so long at Olive Garden.

There are two types of hunters who make use of dogs: Good ones and bad ones.  Now, you may think this is quite a generalization, and it is, but it’s as good a place to start as any.

The good hunter, once he reaches a certain level of hunting theory, will feel the need for a dog to help in the retrieval of downed birds.  This helps to satisfy the ethical desire to harvest the birds shot and to not allow crippled birds to suffer.

The bad hunter, once he reaches the realization that he has difficulty finding upland game birds in a cage at the zoo, will feel the need for a dog to point and flush birds for him to fire upon.  From experience, I can say that hunters in this class rarely need the dog as a retriever…at least not at first.

A good retriever will also be an invaluable asset to waterfowl hunters – usually dry waterfowl hunters.  This is largely due to the fact that no matter how smart a dog is, he still isn’t smart enough to say, “It’s 37 degrees out here!  I’m not goin’ in that water!  Are you NUTS?!?”  This may be because they can’t understand the concept of temperature, I don’t know.

There are many types of dogs used for many types of hunting.  We’re mostly concerned with dogs that fall into the category of gun dogs and hounds.  Of course, a dog that tends to fall into anything is probably not a good choice, but I digress.

History tells us the first hunting dogs were the hounds.  These dogs are most often seen in action on the movie screen tracking criminals and treeing bears.  As with most registered breeds today, each species of hound was bred for a specific purpose.  Bloodhounds, for example, are famous for their scent-tracking abilities.  The dachshund, a German name meaning “badger-hound”, was originally bred to track badgers into their dens; a dangerous occupation if you know anything about badgers.  The dachshund should not be confused, however, with the wiener-dog, which is a breed used solely to guard the grounds at the Oscar Meyer factory…maybe.  The greyhound is also a dog bred for special purpose.  These long and lean canines were designed to track and run game to ground as well as carrying large numbers of people on extended highway journeys.

My favorite dog of this group is the Norwegian Elkhound; probably the oldest line in the hound class.  Skeletal remains of these dogs have been found buried with their Viking masters in sites over 5000 years old.  It’s just a guess, but I would think that, no matter how devoted the dog was, this was not his idea.

Now, the Norwegian Elkhound can be used to hunt other things besides the Norwegian Elk, which is not really an elk, as we know it, but a moose…a Norwegian moose.  It’s worth wondering what brought a dog like this to America – after all, we have no Norwegian moose here.  Oh, there are some moose in northern Minnesota with Norwegian accents, but that was picked up from the residents.

The Norwegian Moosehound, er, Elkhound, is actually a general-purpose dog, useful for both tracking and hunting because it tracks by both smell and sight.  Although I’m not really sure what this means, I assume the dog looks for things like tracks, broken twigs or bent blades of grass, old cigarette butts, etc.

The category of dogs which receives the most attention today are the gun dogs, both in single shot and repeater.  HA!  Just kidding!  I meant pointers and retrievers; dogs specially bred to help the modern hunter.  This group of dogs can be traced back to the spaniel, possibly the first pointer.  All other gun dogs are believed to have been bred from the spaniel.

A pointer, as the name implies, will locate game and stand, pointing to the position of the prey.  These dogs are also bred to flush birds from cover on command.  This allows the hunter to find the optimum point of fire.  That’s assuming the birds will fly in the direction the hunter thinks they will fly, which they won’t because birds, while they do have “bird-brains”, still have eyes and can see a hunter standing with a 3 ½ inch magnum at the ready, prepared to blast artistic patterns in the molecular structure of the surrounding atmosphere.

Should the hunter find it possible to down the bird in his quest for perfect pattern placement, also known as “accuracy”, he must collect the prey.  A good retriever is an invaluable asset to this hunter – meaning one who can shoot.  The retriever will find the bird and return it to its master.  If the bird is wounded, the dog will track and find the fowl (usually a pheasant, from my experience) and, again, return it to the hunter.  Ideally, the bird should be intact; that is, the dog shouldn’t get his share until later.

There are many breeds of dogs you can use for hunting.  You may have a mixed breed which you thought was a mutt, but would make an excellent hunting dog.  This is unlikely, but then you may be struck by lightning on the golf course, too.  Usually when you take the family dog to the field, he will immediately jump from the vehicle to excitedly stretch his muscles and explore somewhat… At least enough to flush every bird of any kind from the surrounding section of land.  It’s kinda’ like taking one of the kids along.  In some cases this can be remedied by leaving the mutt at home.

Your best bet, if you have a serious desire to clean fowl, is to acquire a dog bred for one or more of the purposes we have already discussed; any of a group of labradors, retrievers, setters, pointers, spaniels or poodles.

“What?” you say.  “Poodles?”

Yes, poodles were originally bred to be retrievers.  Actually, I understand they made very good hunting dogs until someone began the practice of giving them those lacey little pansy haircuts, after which they lost all of their dog self-esteem and allowed bows to be put in their tails and became wimpy canines.  You may want to try to correct this situation by turning the poodle back into a hunting dog, if you feel you can stand listening to the other guys laughing at you during the process.

Anyway, any of these breeds or some combinations of them can be excellent bird dogs.  Also, I understand there are new types of dogs being bred every day.  Some of these may become the hunting dogs of the future:

“FOR SALE: Reconnaissance retriever puppies.  Scientifically bred to scout an area and report the location of specific bird species.  Will flush and retrieve to military commands.  Can be used to direct artillery fire.  No training required.  Olive drab in color, camo pattern.  AKC registered.”

“Must be a sissy if you can make a bed like that!”

“You’re supposed to be a guy.  Aren’t you embarrassed?”

“You’re gonna sleep in there again in a couple a’ hours.  Why do ya’ need to make it?”

“Did you learn that in home-ec?”

Just a tip…  Don’t go to a retreat with a bunch of young guys.  Especially if they’re jocks’.  Excuse me; sports enthusiasts.

But yeah, I can make a bed.  Yep.  You can bounce a quarter off of that bed.  That could be sissy material in high school, but I seem to remember they taught me how to properly make a military corner on a bed the same week they gave me an assault weapon and started teaching me self defense and the general art of killing people (they teach the fine art of killing people in the advanced special forces training and those guys don’t care if you can make your bed), so…  You were saying what?

Actually, I accidentally saw a segment on one of those daytime talk (talk, talk, Talk, TALK) shows about a new method to make your bed so it would be easy to remake in the morning.  It was NEW!  It was amazingly INOVATIVE!  It was… actually nothing your mother shouldn’t have taught you.  And she probably did; you just didn’t pay attention.  What she attempted to teach you is often called a “hospital corner” or, as mentioned, a “military corner”; a method of tightly tucking the top sheet under the bottom corners of the mattress to help it resist movement during normal nocturnal tossing and turning. Of course, you can also get the sheet to come out in other ways that are NOT normal tossing and turning, but I’m pretty sure your mother wouldn’t tell you about that.

So, what makes it NEW?  What makes it something they can call their own fresh idea and throw it out there as a fresh segment on a (freshly) informative TV show?

Two reasons.  First, the technique used was developed by someone long ago and is not owned by any one particular person.  In other words, it is what is called “public domain,” meaning it belongs to everyone.  More specifically, because of this fact, no one person or company can make money from it’s’ use.  If they could, the network lawyers would have refused to air the show and I wouldn’t have seen the piece in the first place and you would have been saved from reading this.

Secondly, you never paid attention when your mother showed you how to perform this intricate (not really) task, so you watched the television, enthralled with the newly found skills you now own.  If I remember correctly, the person who demonstrated the technique was a male-type-guy.  Don’t know if he was in the military or not – maybe he was a maid at a hotel…excuse me, valet, or manservant or…manmaid.  Whatever.  Either way, his orientation is not at question, not important and, furthermore, not any of our business!

So, really.  Why is it these people can pull out these old gems and serve them up as their own?  It’s because we don’t collectively attack them as frauds, slackers and/or idiots.  Or combinations of the same, depending on whether they lied about it, failed to do the research or just thought they were the first to discover electricity when they hit the light switch.

And, sadly, it’s because we don’t know how to do things for ourselves.  Let’s face it, we live in the same society that figures we don’t know how to go to the grocery store or read a cookbook so they sell us a meal on the world-wide-web.  We then receive a shipping carton from the UPS guy including “fresh produce and meats” and complete with step-by-step instructions…kinda’ like one of those model kits you put together when you were a kid.  And then we complain about box wines.  The same society to invent the motion activated paper towel dispenser so we don’t have to manually push that physically demanding lever.  The problem with this is you spend a great deal of time waving at the towel dispenser before you realize it’s an old fashioned pull-out model.

Now, to be fair, part of this is not a new society problem, but an old one, such as the adolescent comments at the beginning of the page.  That part of societal development used peer pressure as one of its tools to interject and strengthen what were then gender norms… You know, they bullied the other kids.  Still, what these kids learned was that these menial tasks were for girls.  Happily, this is not a view to which our current culture subscribes.  Now days we are under the impression that in order to be successful we have to pay for these tasks to be done by someone else.  If this is true, then it follows that anyone who hopes to be successful in the future need not bother to learn these skills because one day, someone else will do these things for you.

BULL!  Make your damn bed.  Learn how to boil some pasta, for heaven’s sake.  Don’t know how?  Look it up on the computer; it’s a marvelous resource.  If you can learn how to construct a nuclear weapon on the internet, you can certainly find out how to complete a small household chore.  Besides, the theory is the easy part of the nuclear weapon thing.  Acquisition of that pesky radioactive material is the hard part!  But, anyway, do some toil aimed at self-sufficiency.  You’ll feel better about yourself and, as an added benefit, you’ll put more steps on your Fitbit.  As an exercise, pretend you live all by yourself with no one around for miles and you have to do everything for yourself.

Trust me, if anyone finds out you’ve been looking at that nuclear weapon information, you’ll likely have to get used to it.

Once again the year approaches the crisp autumn and the time many outdoor enthusiasts look forward to all year.  No, not the beginning of school!  Hunting season.

Hunters from all over have been planning for weeks in anticipation; cleaning their shoguns, loading their shells, polishing their Suburbans.  Pheasant and grouse season is coming up fast.  Waterfowl season is just around the corner.  For those hunters who feel that waving a shotgun around spasmodically and shooting holes in the sky is good practice, dove season is a prerequisite.

Fall hunting season is a modern male bonding experience, equivalent to an old barn raising or threshing bee.  It promotes comradery and long-term friendships.  The topic of the hunt, both before and afterward, aids social interaction and advances political abilities (pronounce “lying”).  In cases of shooters such as the author (that’s me), the hunt offers up a target of good-natured ribbing and downright ridicule.

While this writer (me again) has become a good enough shot with a rifle, the whole concept behind the shotgun seems to be elusive to my skill set.  Over the years I have found that, for me, the best technique to use with any “scattergun” is to firmly grip the firearm with both hands just behind the bead…and swing from just below my right ear.  When hunting faster game such as doves, I find it necessary to choke up on the barrel a bit so as to increase the speed of my swing.  This method of shotgun use nets the same number of birds (none), but wastes far less ammunition.

The event of opening day is a curious ritual in today’s’ society.  A friend of mine is an avid hunter but he tempers his passion with wisdom.  Or maybe he just trades one passion for another.  At any rate, opening day will find him on the otherwise deserted golf course making use of any tee time he desires.  Meanwhile, his hunting buddies can be found in any given field of cut corn or mid-grass prairie, walking shoulder to shoulder, shotguns at the ready, grim determination on their faces.  A long, steadily moving line, unnoticeable in the morning mist – except for the blaze orange vests and caps and the 37 highly polished, brightly colored sport-utility vehicles parked in the background.  Looks kinda’ like Pickett’s charge on the third day of Gettysburg…provided Pickett’s charge had happened in the fall – after the advent of motorized vehicles.

Getting back to the question at hand, what is the lure of the sport that brings these people out to the field?  What is it that calls them from their warm offices, comfortable homes and 10:15 dental appointments?  Okay, so we know why they skipped the dental appointment, but what about the other stuff?  Historically it was the need for food, the necessity that forced the hunt.  Today food is affordable and easily available from supermarkets, grocery stores and assorted open houses and wedding receptions.  When considering the cost of licensing, shotgun shells, fuel and a couple of beers on the way home, an afternoon of pheasant hunting costs about as much as  supper for a family of four at a restaurant and a movie afterward (no popcorn – unless there was a guide involved in the hunting).  The need for food, therefore, is no longer the motivating factor.

Perhaps it is the exotic game itself.  Pheasant, for example, is not readily or cheaply available in stores.  This bird has been considered a delicacy for many thousands of years.  Actually, pheasant under glass has its beginnings in ancient China.  It seems that the all-you-can-eat buffets of antiquity did not yet have the obligatory sneeze shields, a relatively modern invention; so all dishes were covered with a glass lid (they were cloched!  Get it?  Cloche…  Never mind).  Pheasant served in this way has been a highly prized dish ever since…I think.

Duck, likewise, has grasped a portion of the upper level status since the emperors’ chef tried to cover up the fact that he spilled the salad dressing on the bird before he cooked the thing.    Goose has been prized as a special occasion offering for many hundreds of years.  Of course, I believe the popularity of the goose had more to do with the fact that it was large enough to feed the additional pesky relatives who would show up at the door during the holidays.  You could always count on visitors to make the journey to town for the long weekend and Medieval Days sales.  Also, if we were to continue with the argument that the urge to hunt is fired by the desire for more exotic foods, grouse season pretty much kills the debate.  The grouse has always been a mere “table bird”, best accompanied not by a wine of fine vintage but with a lager from last week.

Another possible explanation for the origin of the hunt struck me.  I researched the likelihood that bird hunting was initially spurred by the need to eradicate a dangerous species.  Since neither history nor archaeology shows any of these bird species to ever have been poisonous or particularly aggressive, I really found no evidence to support this theory – except one supermarket tabloid with the headline “20 FOOT PARTIDGE ATTACKS WOMAN”.  The publication would not reveal their sources, although they did tell me aliens have since abducted the woman.

After all this extensive study I believe the human hunts merely because he or she desires the challenge of the hunt.  The proof of man’s superiority over bird…or 53 men’s superiority over bird, as the case may be.  It is a regression to primitive man – the hunter throwing the spear, slinging a rock, um, bowing an arrow.  The return of the triumphant provider celebrating success, the pounding of the chest, the drinking of the mead, the telling of the tales.  And again, men can gather together in comradery around the topic of the hunt, practicing social interaction and political skills:

“…and then we flushed this thing out of the brush, and Charlie, I tell ya’, this partridge was 20 feet high at least!…”

Another election is approaching.  It’s the time of year we are inundated by obnoxious media advertising.  I’m not referring to politicians… they’re obnoxious all the time.  I’m talking about the new car ads in which every automobile manufacturer, including some which have been out of business for years, tout their new model year designs as the ultimate in vehicle production and you’ll never want to buy another car, ever, so long as you live until maybe next year when they come out with an even better design.  Some of them may actually believe it themselves.  You’d think they had received divine blueprints with measurements in cubits, or their metric equivalents.

          But let’s be honest – these trapezoid transportation tins (sorry) have come a very long way since the first Model T rolled off the assembly line, which was a long time ago; before the alphabet was even placed in the current order because the Model T was followed by the Model A, but that’s another story, I think.  Since that time many advancements have been made in aerodynamics, suspension, automotive electronics, manufacturing efficiency and, most important from the auto company’s point of view, financing.

          Take the shape of cars, for example.  The first motorized vehicles were highly angular, squared off boxes – basically, they were what they were called – a horseless carriage.  And if you drove one, you’d know what they meant.  These first autos would go from 0 to 20 in maybe 4 minutes.  NO horses at all.  You couldn’t squeal the tires or jump speed bumps or generate high insurance rates or anything.  Anyway, once they advanced to better steel working technology the cars began to grow more rounded… and then they got squared and angular again, and then rounded, and then…  Well, I guess the styling advancements didn’t really go anywhere, but the vehicles have become lower to the ground and more aerodynamically friendly.  This is achieved by placing a model of the vehicle in a tunnel and blowing large amounts of air at it.  Then they just chop off the corners that don’t act dynamic.  It’s an intense and highly scientific thing, but it helps cars become more fuel efficient, better handling, quieter and have 1/3 less fat.

          Another very visible change is color.  Henry Ford first said about his pioneer, mass-produced automobile that it was available in any color, “as long as it was black.”  With advances in pigmentation, chemical bases and polymer coats, cars today can be purchased with solid or metallic colors in a plain blue to a radiant teal or a pearl opalescent white or any color in between.  Except black.  I don’t know if you can get just plain black anymore.

          Which brings us to the personalized part of the car; the part which makes your vehicle different from every other car in the country… the options.  The first production automobiles had very limited options available.  Basically you had the option of buying one or not.  Eventually the manufacturers began to offer certain choices when you purchased one of their cars.  At first it was simple things, like, do you want a top or not?  Do you want a few seats or a whole bunch?  Do you want regular or decaf?  Today you can choose from a cornucopia (this is a word I found in a Pilgrim dictionary.  It means “a lot”) of choices from color and trim to suspension packages and satellite link road service systems.  This last item is a real option on certain up-scale models (READ: expensive cars).  If you signal that you have experienced a breakdown or need emergency services, a control center receives your exact location via satellites in geosynchronous orbit.  Then they laugh heartily because their primary job is remotely opening doors for morons who lock their keys in the car.  [alt.:  because their primary job is dealing with multi-gazillion dollar equipment and they’re not really concerned with your $40,000 car.  Still, they will call someone and have assistance on its way to you within 20 minutes… 48 hours, tops.]

          Some options offered over the years have disappeared, like the swiveling drivers’ seat which made it easier for the operator to hit their knees on the steering wheel, or the steering coordinated headlights which shone in the direction the vehicle was turned… such as the eyes of the oncoming driver.  These were not bad options, just not government mandated, not very popular or, like the am/fm 8-track stereo with 29 channel citizens band radio, not popular for very long.  The really popular options, such as the radio or power assisted disc brakes replacing regular hydraulic drum brakes, eventually became standard features.  The manufacturers keep notes on these things and if, over a period of several years the public orders, say, 92% of all cars with am/fm stereo valve stems, it makes good business sense to offer this as a standard feature thereby lowering the overall cost due to volume sales and only torquing off the 8% of the people who wanted the car without the am/fm stereo valve stems who now have to pay more for the vehicle than they originally planned, but less than they would have had to had they added this option before it was a standard feature…  See?

          Another mass production sales technique the automobile companies use to reduce the price to you, the victim, er, consumer, is to offer option “packages.”  This works in much the same way as making items “standard features.”  If most of the cars ordered have air conditioning, power windows, power door locks and little buttons in the glove compartment to open the trunk accidentally while you’re nervously trying to locate your vehicle registration and proof of insurance, then the people in the statistical note department at Standard Autos will recommend that all these items be included in an option package.  In this way, these options will cost you only $1,868.47 instead of the total individual price of $1,876.18, thereby resulting in a substantial savings and helping to individualize your car with options for less money.  Of course, that makes your individualized car pretty much the same as everyone else’s and you’ll have to put one of those antennae decorations on it to find it in the parking lot.

          Finally, the major breakthrough in automotive technology is in the area of financing.  This is due to minor adjustments in banking practices and computerization and huge advances in automobile pricing.  Let’s face it; at $50,000 most people wouldn’t have a new car if they couldn’t stretch the payments out over a little longer time frame… like the Jurassic Period.

          So park an older car next to a shiny new model with swoopy lines and ergonomic design, scratch resistant paint and high fuel efficiency, state of the art safety features and a sound-deadening passenger compartment.  Compare the two.

          What do you see?

          I see that one of these cars is paid for and the other soaks up most of my future retirement funds.

             I have recently returned from a bike trip with my friend, Super Slab Steve.  For some reason, unknown to most bikers, Steve likes to ride the interstate.  He likes the four-lanes; the big concrete ribbons that can take you where you want to go quickly without the useless bother of actually seeing anything.  I knew this going into the trip, but sometimes friendship and a short ride window cause you to do some strange things.

              “How about a ride to Hannibal, Missouri, Steve?  We have 3-4 days and I always wanted to visit Mark Twain’s beginnings; hometown of Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn.  I thought we could take the direct route down and meander back along the Great River Road.  What do you say?”

              “Sure,” says Steve.  This is what Steve always says.  Steve’s agreeable until he sees curves.

              I took off from central South Dakota on a Monday morning and maximized my time by taking I-29 at a south-east angle before cutting over to a paved side road by-passing construction and the interstate.  I rejoined I-29 before Sioux Falls for the diagonal trip to Council Bluffs where I picked up Steve.

              After a quick planning lunch we headed out, again on I-29 South toward St. Joseph, MO.  While a trip on the interstate is, well, a trip on the interstate, we did experience a short rain delay when we stopped for gas in Mound City, MO and found the whole town was out of power because of a brief but apparently harsh thunderstorm.  Sadly, the young fellow at the helm of the fuel stop we chose was new and would not sell us a cup of coffee while we were waiting for power to return:  no computer, no sale.  Thanks to the technology of the day, I was able to establish that nearby towns had NO power difficulties.  Without the deterrent of a neighborly cup of coffee, Steve and I checked Mound City, MO off of our list of places to stop and rode to the next town where we took our break, filled gas, and went on our way.

              It should be noted at this gas stop that I ride an old, carbureted 2004 Kawasaki Vulcan Classic with a bullet-proof shaft drive (positive attribute) and a dinky gas tank (negative attribute.)  While this configuration may hamper travel speed due to frequent stops, it’s excellent for reliability and seeing the country-side.  Steve straddles a fuel injected 2002 Harley-Davidson Road King with obligatory belt drive, nearly as reliable and hardly as thirsty.  We have logged many miles together on this combination of steel steeds and likely will turn many more.

              At St. Joseph we parted from I-29 to take US-36 East, still a four-lane but at least not the interstate.  At Chillicothe, MO we refueled and ended our day at a convenient motel next to our fuel stop.  A comfortable room, an in house restaurant and pub combined to end our first day in fine style.

              Day two began with a fruitless search for a local breakfast restaurant, which led us to the highway and the next town.  This murderous delay of my morning coffee was a lucky turn and one of the gems of the trip.  Off the road in Brookfield, MO we found the Simply Country Café.  We were treated to friendly service, good coffee and wonderful food.  After an extended break, we again hit the eastbound road, stopping only for fuel on our way to Hannibal.  A quick informational break at a visitor center and we were off to the old part of town and Samuel Clemens’ boyhood home.

              ‘Charming’ is the most definitive word to use for this part of the Hannibal experience.  We spent several hours in the historic section of what was once a primary part of town, close to the lifeline of the mighty Mississippi.  The original structure of the Clemens’ house and those of neighboring buildings have been kept in original condition to offer a more complete picture of the childhood that sourced the stories of Americana many of us grew to know.  The scene makes it easy to visualize Tom Sawyer whitewashing the fence or Huck Finn pushing a homemade raft into the current.  After wandering the neighborhood, museums and attractions, we stopped for a quick bite and headed for the return portion of the trip: the Great River Road.

              Now, what I’ve come to find about the Great River Road in my brief and passing research on the subject, is that there really isn’t one.  Well, there IS, but there isn’t ONE.  The Great River road is, much like the Lincoln Highway or Route 66, an amalgamation of connecting roads which change as the roads and conditions of those roads change.  In addition to its constant change, the GRR is not one collection of roads, but TWO – one on each side of the river.  For those of you who like everything planned in a concrete and laid out manner, like Steve, for instance, this makes for a difficult, stressful trip.  For you other adventurers who carry your tent and sleeping bag on every trip and use your GPS only when you want to find out where in the heck it is you’ve lost yourself to – such as myself – it’s an escape to long for.

              Since my ability to find and hold these trails has proven itself repeatedly in the past, Steve takes little offense to allowing me to birddog our track.  His dislike of the curves is normally tempered by the scenery.  My plan, sketchy as it was, was to access the scenery quickly, thereby distracting Steve from his inherent anxiety at following small, winding roads with nothing to look at.  As near as I can tell, this causes his mind to wander to the end of “Easy Rider” at which time he wants to make a break for wide concrete and greater population density.

              With this in mind, and knowing that in an effort to promote the distribution of your tourism dollars, most of the states sharing the Mississippi as a border place signs which, while not always completely up-to-date, offer an excellent guide to the GRR.  Using this information as a template, we headed north from Hannibal and I followed the first sign that promised to guide us to the Great River Road…and after a quarter mile we encountered a sign that informed us that this portion of the road was closed ahead due to construction.  The fix was simple: turn around and head further north to the next access point.  Sadly, before we reached the next sign, Steve had to stop to plug in his phone and expressed his apprehension.

              “Maybe we could head northeast to Des Moines,” he offered. “There are a couple good brewpubs there.”  He was offering alternatives and falling back on the familiar, the comfortable. 

              Looking at the surrounding countryside and imagining the level, straight, uneventful ride back through Iowa and Eastern South Dakota, my enthusiasm faltered a bit.  Still, we had time to ride only a small portion of just one side of the river and the dullness of the return was going to have to happen eventually.

              “Sounds like a plan,” I agreed, “Any ideas?”

              “Well, I don’t really know how to get there from here.  You got your map?”

              “Steve,” I smiled.  “Saddle up and follow me.”  It’s good to be appreciated for something.

              From this point we snaked our way across the map past Mt. Pleasant, IA, the home of the first woman in America to practice law, west through Ottumwa, most importantly, home of fictional character “Radar” O’Reilly and northwest past the beautiful Dutch community of Pella and into Des Moines.  During State Fair week! 

              Distancing ourselves from the fairgrounds we found a motel which still had rooms, primarily because it was located off an interstate exit that was under construction.  This issue didn’t bother us much since we were out to ride and we were tired.  We checked in, dropped our gear and made our way to the brewery I can’t remember.  An excellent meal and a few good micro-brews took the edge off of my disappointment at missing out on the Great River Road experience.  Steve has his own talents and, from my experience, knowing and finding a good Brewpub is a much underappreciated skill.  We retired to our room for a recap of the days’ events and some needed rest.

              The final day of our trip found us at the local Cracker Barrel for breakfast and a beautiful day for a ride home…even if it was on the interstate.  I stopped at Steve’s house for a cup of coffee and then followed a slow, circuitous road home.  

              Pondering and planning my solo Great River Road trip the whole way.