I went shopping the other day.   I didn’t mean to…  Well, I did, I guess, but I was distracted by the task at hand and I didn’t think about what day it was.

Black Friday!

Just the name itself should warn people against leaving their homes.  I think they should give people more shopping time and move it to a Friday earlier in the month.  That way they could call it Black Friday the 13^th. The name would be more portentous, giving it an even more ominous sound.  In addition, the occurrence would drop substantially, since Friday the 13^th in November doesn’t occur very often.

Had I remembered it was “The Purge”[i] shopping day, I’d have left the house with body armor and a firearm of some sort.  Actually, the last time I left the house that early in the morning, I was going hunting.  And, in retrospect, I now feel bad that I was shooting at things that didn’t treat me near as poorly as Black Friday shoppers…  Don’t follow that line of thought.  I have, and it doesn’t lead anywhere good, trust me.

Why do we do these things?  Shopping like barbarians, not hunting like barbarians, I mean.  I’ll address that at another time.  Granted, IF we happen to be early enough, we can buy a 90 inch high definition TV for $139.00 or a year’s supply of aromatic (?) candles for $7.50.  Still, is that enough to surrender our humanity?  Yeah, stupid question, I know.  Still, people do it year after year.  I’ve heard families call it a “tradition”.  Many of them spend time on Thanksgiving Day gathering together, celebrating their appreciation for all they have and then, after a wonderful meal is finished and everything is put away, they strategically plan how to attack the participating retail establishments in order to defeat any other shoppers who DARE to capture the best deals!  You know, the things they were thankful for yesterday.

Okay, that may sound a bit “military” in nature, but the metaphor is there to relate the aggression many people carry into the endeavor.  Actually, comparing the approach to a military action is unfair.  No self-respecting modern military organization would consider fielding such an undisciplined group of soldiers.

All the same, people who use this event as an excuse to get out and jump start their Christmas shopping are probably doing themselves, as well as retail establishments,  a favor – even while doing the rest of us a disservice.  They are playing PAWN to the Capitalist Dogs!  They’re assisting the bourgeoisie institutions to keep the common people DOWN!  They are simply…

Sorry.  I think I was channeling Groucho Marx for a moment…or maybe John Lennon (or Lenin), I’m not sure.  Where was I?

Oh, yes, the disservice!  Many of us have family members who have to work early in the morning, forcing us to cut our day of giving thanks back to an early afternoon of celebration so Uncle Mike can get to bed ‘cause he has to be at work at 3 AM.   And, because we have to do a midday dinner instead of supper, we have to get up and start cooking instead of taking those few more lovely minutes of sleep we look forward to at holidays.  Can’t go to Grandma’s for the weekend because Sally has to work – NOBODY gets THIS weekend off!  Nope!  No family game-time this evening folks, but it’s okay because we can save ourselves a couple of bucks in the morning.  That is, if you practiced your blocking, elbowing and tripping techniques.  So, by all means, let’s reward those greedy merchandisers for messing up our holiday just so they can get the money they were likely to get anyway!

Now that I’ve taken it to the ACR’s (American Capitalist Retailers), I need to buttonhole the cause of the problem; the ROUS’s…  No, that’s a different acronym[ii].  The situation is caused by the GASP (Greedy As Sh…, no, Greedy American Shopping Public).

Yes, WE did it!  WE caused the problem in the first place.  Technically, a small percentage of the shopping public caused the problem by falling for the advertising propaganda and rushing to the store on the whim of some kid with a Bachelor’s in Marketing and a burning desire for a corner office.  He got a promotion and you got sore feet from standing in line and a loose incisor from a feisty old lady in the electronics department.  The worst part is, since a portion of Americans took their whole Christmas shopping fund to the store on ONE DAY, the business community said, “Hey!  That’s pretty good!  Let’s stop now.”

Okay, yeah.  I was just seeing if you were paying attention.  What they did is continue to urge you to overspend your holiday budget.  This must have worked on some people, because next years new kid with the Bachelors of Marketing, in an attempt to show his worth and try for his very own corner office, came up with the amazing suggestion of increasing the amount of the sales and starting them earlier.  As the years went by, the hours got earlier, the “door buster” deals got better and the shoppers got more aggressive.

Shall I go on?  I thought not.

In the end, we owe this blemish on American culture to – American culture.  But, in the end, who do you think caused the problem?  These are the same people that brought you midnight infomercials and ESPN Classic.

Although sports re-runs make Gilligan’s Island look a lot better.

[i] For those of you who are unfamiliar with this riveting piece of cinema, the plot is based upon a 12 hour period when all crime is legal.  The result, of course, is that many people lose all civility – much as they do on Black Friday.  As a footnote to a footnote, it all sounds kind of like an old original “Star Trek” episode (The Return of the Archons), and I apologize for knowing that.

[ii] This is from an actually good piece of cinema, but doesn’t directly apply.  Look it up.

Another holiday is fast approaching.  Actually, since standard time measurements are used in the case of holidays as well as other days, I think they’re all approaching at about the same speed, so I don’t know why people say that.  Some, like St. Patrick’s Day, 2028, are still quite some time off, but the speed of approach is pretty much consistent.

To visualize this let’s say you’re waiting in Kansas.  A passenger train leaves New York heading west and another leaves Los Angeles heading east.  Both trains are moving toward you at the same speed.  Which one will pick you up first?  Well, neither one probably, since passenger trains don’t stop many places in the Midwest anymore.  But my point is forgotten already, so I’ll just go back to where I started.

Presidents’ Day, Martin Luther Kings’ Birthday, Ash Wednesday or Groundhog Day in Canada (where, in some locales a bear is often used as a substitute for a groundhog – more exciting when trying to determine if the creature saw his shadow, I would guess).  Just look at your calendar!  If those calendar people were doing their jobs there’s probably a holiday every week or so – more if they searched other countries for reasons to fill that little space below the number.  Even discounting the holidays of minimum importance still leaves you a formidable barricade of notable days to, er, note.  These days of note have come a long way from their original intention, which was to allow an extra day for people to rid themselves of their excess cash by going shopping and buying things they really wouldn’t need if they didn’t have so much leisure time on their hands like they do when they get a holiday every few weeks.  Well, actually, that reasoning came later on…I really just used that as a literary “hook” to keep you, the reader, interested while I went through the boring history stuff.

The holiday began as a “holy-day”; an early civilized need to celebrate the mysteries of nature, the inherent awareness of the existence of a supreme deity and a darn good reason to have a party (keep in mind the Super Bowl had not yet emerged from the negotiation stages).  It was no accident that the first holidays, or holy-days, coincided with natural events such as the equinoxes or the day of the death of a chieftain or “the falling of the light from the sky” (most likely a meteor, though the stone tabloids of the day reported it as a visit from the gods and some lunatic from the other side of the woods claimed he was abducted and held for days).  These occurrences were still unknown, supernatural events attributed to the whims of the gods – something these early tribes could not understand…much as adolescence is in today’s’ society.

The organization of religions brought uniformity in the placement of holy days.  Many still coincide with natural events, such as the placement of Christmas near the winter solstice or the 4^th of July on the actual day of July fourth, which is, it turns out, a naturally occurring day.

In modern cultures, religious celebrations are some of the most prominent of days, but they are no longer the only holidays you need to remember.  Now we have days to note events or people and, of course, governmental holidays, which use taxation, secret federal laboratories, advanced military technology and, I believe, mirrors to make most of these days fall on Monday.  Some, such as Thanksgiving, Independence Day and religious holidays like Christmas still fall on days at the whim of the calendar but as technology improves these days, too, will fall on Mondays.

Today most governments and religions have their own holidays and while many have pockets of commonality around the world, New Years Day is the only formal holiday celebrated by nearly all cultures worldwide.  Even China now recognizes the first day of January as the beginning of the New Year.  Traditionally, however, China has held the year to begin on “Moon Day”, the first day of the first lunar moon…following the third Sunday after you pass Park Place and Boardwalk with hotels.  This is always somewhere between January 21^st and February 9^th.  It’s ambiguous, true, but it really spreads out the celebration if you start on December 31.

Most holidays, obscure or not, have another thing in common – they are slow to die.  For example, one or two Nordic countries still celebrate St. Knut’s Day, the day in the year 1038 that Canute the Great (I’ve never heard of him, either, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t a great guy.) decreed that fasting between Christmas and Epiphany should be eliminated.  Now since Epiphany, considered the 12^th day of Christmas, falls on January 6^th it’s no wonder people called him a Saint and honored him with a day of his own.  I would guess people got a little irritable near the end there…not to mention hungry.  This holiday is still recognized in its native country.  Today, however, it’s the day to get rid of your Christmas tree, if you haven’t already done so.  Not much of an honor for St. Knut, but at least they remember him which is more than you can say for his predecessor, Olaf the Thin.

Another example of holiday passé’ is Boxing Day, once noted throughout the British Empire.  At one time this day, December 26^th, was the day a small box was passed to collect donations for postmen, dustmen and other menial laborers.  Nowadays it’s the day people box up their gifts and return them for cash refunds.

Russia is the home of Clean Tent Day.  This was way up north in the hinterlands of what is now Siberia and took place when the polar sun first appeared after the polar winter.  When this occurred the Shaman of the tribe sat in a tent for 3 to 9 days waiting for a vision.  I assume since he couldn’t go out to have lunch or go ice fishing or stop at the pool hall he did the dishes and laundry and dusting and such and that’s where the name came from…it’s just a guess.

Not to be forgotten is the chrysalis of the day of Candlemass, celebrated to commemorate the presentation of Jesus in the temple.  While this is obviously a Christian day of note, which was recognized in many countries, we must blame the Scots for bringing it to us as we recognize it today.  According to an old Scottish couplet;  “if Candlemass is fair and clear, there’ll be two winters this year.”  (Note:  this rhyme must be spoken in a Scottish brogue, but the reader – that’s you – needs to supply that.)  Apparently on that first February 2^nd, when the priest came out of the temple, he saw his shadow and there was a long winter.  In modern times priests have many other important duties and this task has been relegated to a groundhog.

This is just a tiny sampling of the holidays there are to contend with throughout the year.  To accurately estimate the true number, I have used scientifically proven formulas to establish a figure of either 35, which is the number of pre-printed notations in my pocket calendar, and 4,682, which is the largest number I came up with during my calculations.  In order to contend with this extreme grouping I have developed a simplified approach to classification that drastically reduces the number of notes you will need to leave yourself.

The first category is the Day-off holiday.  This one is extremely easy because people have a tendency to remember when they can sleep all morning.  If you happen to forget that it’s a holiday you will be reminded when you get to work and there’s no one else there.  Forget trying to keep track of this one – it’ll take care of itself.

The next grouping covers the Celebrating holidays.  This includes things like New Years Day and Christmas and Thanksgiving and the 7^th anniversary of winning the city bowling tournament, depending on how desperate you are to have something “meaningful” in your life to celebrate.  These are days which may require some preparation and generally call for you to get together with family or friends and eat and drink a bit too much – usually to a point where you feel sluggish and dull and you can barely move without extreme effort and good reason, like, if you need another beer.  These holidays normally involve an invitation so you don’t have to worry about these, either.  Someone will call you and tell you what to bring.

Finally – and this the most critical and difficult category – are the “need to remember” holidays.  These are mostly contrived holidays thought up by people who are now wealthy from selling paraphernalia associated with the holidays, which they made up solely because they felt these people needed recognition.  Days in this category are Mothers’ Day, Fathers’ Day, Valentines’ Day, Secretary’s’ Day, Bosses’ Day, the Rude-Kid-Behind-the-Counter-At-the-Fast-Food-Restaurant Day, etc.  Personal holidays such as birthdays and anniversaries also fall into this realm.  You don’t need me to tell you how important it is to remember these days to help ensure the smooth operation of all your personal relationships…but I’ll tell you anyway.  This is REALLY important, okay?

My recommendation is to immediately go through your new calendar and highlight these days.  If you happen to be the kind of person who only looks at each day as it arrives, I’d further suggest placing a warning marker maybe a week before each day you need to remember.  This will give you ample time to forget to send your mother a Mothers’ Day card, but enough time to think up a good excuse.

Please be sure to set aside, in some special way, the days involving your spouse or sweetheart.  Perhaps mark these days in red or use some other danger sign to attract your attention.  You may want to simply clip a check or cash to these days so you know you need to buy something thoughtful.  You may even want to write down some considerate gifts under these days so at the last minute you don’t lose much of your cognizant abilities under the pressure and buy her another fishing rod or, worse yet, a new iron (nice job, Bonehead).

Hopefully some of these tips and informational notes will be of help to you.  Naturally you will find some holidays will cover more than one category, such as Christmas, which covers all three.  This system has, however, worked well for me and with some modifications may be able to help you as well.

…Please forgive me if you don’t get a birthday card from me, though.  The little squares under the numbers on my calendar are such a mess with notes that I can’t really read everything.

            Again!  I find it difficult to believe that another of my favorite restaurant/coffee house/writing places is closing its doors yet again.

            Okay, I guess I don’t find it surprising as much as I find it disconcerting and rather sad… at least for the owners and operators of the establishments I frequent.  Now, part of the problem is the type of places I tend to spend my time writing.  It can’t be too busy because, let’s face it, they wouldn’t put up with me sitting around taking up their space.  You know – space that paying customers would use.

              Don’t get me wrong, I pay for stuff.  It’s just that the time I spend sitting there generally extends far beyond the normal table time for wheat toast and coffee…sometimes just coffee.  I tip well, though management doesn’t profit from that, so they could care less. 

            In addition, if it’s a busy, popular destination, it’s likely too noisy for me to concentrate on my writing.  Well, not THIS kind of writing; this doesn’t take concentration so much as it does a moderate amount of alcohol.  And the places that serve alcohol don’t like it, either.  Perhaps I can reduce my overactive guilt response by remembering that if the location were busy in the first place I likely wouldn’t even be there.

            … 

            Nope.  That didn’t help.

            Of course, now that word is out that the restaurant is closing, it’s hard to find a table.  People are everywhere.  If these folks had come out of the woodwork before, I wouldn’t have the impetus to be writing this.  Or I would; it would just be about another place that I killed because this place would have been too busy.  Are you following me?  Yeah – sorry about that.

            I understand that someone purchased this building in order to turn it into a hair salon/bar/restaurant.  Yes, you understood me.  Go back and read that over again.  I actually expect it to be a popular place, primarily because the idea is different.  Do you know why it’s different?  BECAUSE THEY’RE CUTTING HAIR THE SAME PLACE THEY’RE MAKING YOUR FOOD!

            Oh, sure, the local Department of You Have To Keep That Clean is sure to give them a great number of GOOPs (Governmental Hoops) to jump through.  They will have to keep the food preparation areas cleaned in accordance with state and federal law.  The cut hair will have to be vacuumed and filtered through something like a…double prime neutron laser filter and I’m very sure the business areas will be well separated, still…  

            How about you and I start a new business:  Acme Auto Service and Fine Steak House.  You can get your oil changed and your tires rotated while you enjoy a premium steak dinner.  (You have to say “premium”, which is actually “average”, or else people will think it’s, like, formed chopped steak or laminated hamburger or something.)  Anyway, I’m leery of the business plan, just in case you were wondering.

            Of course, in today’s business climate you need to have a gimmick; something to draw people in.  In addition, if you have more than one specialty, you can hold onto your customers once you get them. From that perspective, the auto service and steak house isn’t such a bad idea (don’t believe that – it really IS a bad idea).  But you know what is a GOOD idea? 

            The SHOE BAR!  A specialty bar for women…and men.  Of any preference.  The premise would be as simple as it sounds.  Stop in for a drink and check out the newest shoe designs and fashions (which are the same as the old designs and fashions, just, uh, newer).  You can try them on while you relax with a drink and perhaps an aperitif.  I’m sure the State Department of You Can’t Do That will have a great many BLIP’s (Bureaucratic Line-Item Precautions) you’ll have to deal with, what with the shoe removal, footwear thing, but I’m sure the interest will outweigh the overhead.  I’m guessing the largest orders will be for wine.  If your market will support it, you can have a high end wing with designer shoes and $1500.00 bottles of wine.  No nachos or onion rings in this venue; only caviar and calamari. 

            Think of it ladies!  You stop by with your friends after a hard day at the office (the shop, the diner, the factory…whatever), sit down to a relaxing cosmopolitan and try on a cute new pair of pumps.  Maybe some new heels in a deep burgundy.  You KNOW they match that new blouse you bought.  Have another glass of wine and think about it.  How about this new red blend we have – just about the same color as those shoes…  It may be prudent to have a specific area where you can shop for and try on athletic footwear.  I would stock primarily light beers and merlot at this bar, but it’s just an idea.  This particular area would make a great buffer to a regular sports bar.  Sure, while some of your customers will be men, it would be nice to have a place where you could take money from “Joe Average” while he’s waiting for his “significant other” to finish shopping.  Or drinking.  Preferably both. 

            But that’s not where I was going when I started this, is it?  Don’t think I’ll go to a haircutting restaurant, so I guess I need to find a new place to go.  I certainly hope all the other places haven’t seen my record of restaurant closures.  I’ll never be able to get in anywhere!

            Maybe that’s why they always make me wait so long at Olive Garden.