There are two types of hunters who make use of dogs: Good ones and bad ones.  Now, you may think this is quite a generalization, and it is, but it’s as good a place to start as any.

The good hunter, once he reaches a certain level of hunting theory, will feel the need for a dog to help in the retrieval of downed birds.  This helps to satisfy the ethical desire to harvest the birds shot and to not allow crippled birds to suffer.

The bad hunter, once he reaches the realization that he has difficulty finding upland game birds in a cage at the zoo, will feel the need for a dog to point and flush birds for him to fire upon.  From experience, I can say that hunters in this class rarely need the dog as a retriever…at least not at first.

A good retriever will also be an invaluable asset to waterfowl hunters – usually dry waterfowl hunters.  This is largely due to the fact that no matter how smart a dog is, he still isn’t smart enough to say, “It’s 37 degrees out here!  I’m not goin’ in that water!  Are you NUTS?!?”  This may be because they can’t understand the concept of temperature, I don’t know.

There are many types of dogs used for many types of hunting.  We’re mostly concerned with dogs that fall into the category of gun dogs and hounds.  Of course, a dog that tends to fall into anything is probably not a good choice, but I digress.

History tells us the first hunting dogs were the hounds.  These dogs are most often seen in action on the movie screen tracking criminals and treeing bears.  As with most registered breeds today, each species of hound was bred for a specific purpose.  Bloodhounds, for example, are famous for their scent-tracking abilities.  The dachshund, a German name meaning “badger-hound”, was originally bred to track badgers into their dens; a dangerous occupation if you know anything about badgers.  The dachshund should not be confused, however, with the wiener-dog, which is a breed used solely to guard the grounds at the Oscar Meyer factory…maybe.  The greyhound is also a dog bred for special purpose.  These long and lean canines were designed to track and run game to ground as well as carrying large numbers of people on extended highway journeys.

My favorite dog of this group is the Norwegian Elkhound; probably the oldest line in the hound class.  Skeletal remains of these dogs have been found buried with their Viking masters in sites over 5000 years old.  It’s just a guess, but I would think that, no matter how devoted the dog was, this was not his idea.

Now, the Norwegian Elkhound can be used to hunt other things besides the Norwegian Elk, which is not really an elk, as we know it, but a moose…a Norwegian moose.  It’s worth wondering what brought a dog like this to America – after all, we have no Norwegian moose here.  Oh, there are some moose in northern Minnesota with Norwegian accents, but that was picked up from the residents.

The Norwegian Moosehound, er, Elkhound, is actually a general-purpose dog, useful for both tracking and hunting because it tracks by both smell and sight.  Although I’m not really sure what this means, I assume the dog looks for things like tracks, broken twigs or bent blades of grass, old cigarette butts, etc.

The category of dogs which receives the most attention today are the gun dogs, both in single shot and repeater.  HA!  Just kidding!  I meant pointers and retrievers; dogs specially bred to help the modern hunter.  This group of dogs can be traced back to the spaniel, possibly the first pointer.  All other gun dogs are believed to have been bred from the spaniel.

A pointer, as the name implies, will locate game and stand, pointing to the position of the prey.  These dogs are also bred to flush birds from cover on command.  This allows the hunter to find the optimum point of fire.  That’s assuming the birds will fly in the direction the hunter thinks they will fly, which they won’t because birds, while they do have “bird-brains”, still have eyes and can see a hunter standing with a 3 ½ inch magnum at the ready, prepared to blast artistic patterns in the molecular structure of the surrounding atmosphere.

Should the hunter find it possible to down the bird in his quest for perfect pattern placement, also known as “accuracy”, he must collect the prey.  A good retriever is an invaluable asset to this hunter – meaning one who can shoot.  The retriever will find the bird and return it to its master.  If the bird is wounded, the dog will track and find the fowl (usually a pheasant, from my experience) and, again, return it to the hunter.  Ideally, the bird should be intact; that is, the dog shouldn’t get his share until later.

There are many breeds of dogs you can use for hunting.  You may have a mixed breed which you thought was a mutt, but would make an excellent hunting dog.  This is unlikely, but then you may be struck by lightning on the golf course, too.  Usually when you take the family dog to the field, he will immediately jump from the vehicle to excitedly stretch his muscles and explore somewhat… At least enough to flush every bird of any kind from the surrounding section of land.  It’s kinda’ like taking one of the kids along.  In some cases this can be remedied by leaving the mutt at home.

Your best bet, if you have a serious desire to clean fowl, is to acquire a dog bred for one or more of the purposes we have already discussed; any of a group of labradors, retrievers, setters, pointers, spaniels or poodles.

“What?” you say.  “Poodles?”

Yes, poodles were originally bred to be retrievers.  Actually, I understand they made very good hunting dogs until someone began the practice of giving them those lacey little pansy haircuts, after which they lost all of their dog self-esteem and allowed bows to be put in their tails and became wimpy canines.  You may want to try to correct this situation by turning the poodle back into a hunting dog, if you feel you can stand listening to the other guys laughing at you during the process.

Anyway, any of these breeds or some combinations of them can be excellent bird dogs.  Also, I understand there are new types of dogs being bred every day.  Some of these may become the hunting dogs of the future:

“FOR SALE: Reconnaissance retriever puppies.  Scientifically bred to scout an area and report the location of specific bird species.  Will flush and retrieve to military commands.  Can be used to direct artillery fire.  No training required.  Olive drab in color, camo pattern.  AKC registered.”

“Must be a sissy if you can make a bed like that!”

“You’re supposed to be a guy.  Aren’t you embarrassed?”

“You’re gonna sleep in there again in a couple a’ hours.  Why do ya’ need to make it?”

“Did you learn that in home-ec?”

Just a tip…  Don’t go to a retreat with a bunch of young guys.  Especially if they’re jocks’.  Excuse me; sports enthusiasts.

But yeah, I can make a bed.  Yep.  You can bounce a quarter off of that bed.  That could be sissy material in high school, but I seem to remember they taught me how to properly make a military corner on a bed the same week they gave me an assault weapon and started teaching me self defense and the general art of killing people (they teach the fine art of killing people in the advanced special forces training and those guys don’t care if you can make your bed), so…  You were saying what?

Actually, I accidentally saw a segment on one of those daytime talk (talk, talk, Talk, TALK) shows about a new method to make your bed so it would be easy to remake in the morning.  It was NEW!  It was amazingly INOVATIVE!  It was… actually nothing your mother shouldn’t have taught you.  And she probably did; you just didn’t pay attention.  What she attempted to teach you is often called a “hospital corner” or, as mentioned, a “military corner”; a method of tightly tucking the top sheet under the bottom corners of the mattress to help it resist movement during normal nocturnal tossing and turning. Of course, you can also get the sheet to come out in other ways that are NOT normal tossing and turning, but I’m pretty sure your mother wouldn’t tell you about that.

So, what makes it NEW?  What makes it something they can call their own fresh idea and throw it out there as a fresh segment on a (freshly) informative TV show?

Two reasons.  First, the technique used was developed by someone long ago and is not owned by any one particular person.  In other words, it is what is called “public domain,” meaning it belongs to everyone.  More specifically, because of this fact, no one person or company can make money from it’s’ use.  If they could, the network lawyers would have refused to air the show and I wouldn’t have seen the piece in the first place and you would have been saved from reading this.

Secondly, you never paid attention when your mother showed you how to perform this intricate (not really) task, so you watched the television, enthralled with the newly found skills you now own.  If I remember correctly, the person who demonstrated the technique was a male-type-guy.  Don’t know if he was in the military or not – maybe he was a maid at a hotel…excuse me, valet, or manservant or…manmaid.  Whatever.  Either way, his orientation is not at question, not important and, furthermore, not any of our business!

So, really.  Why is it these people can pull out these old gems and serve them up as their own?  It’s because we don’t collectively attack them as frauds, slackers and/or idiots.  Or combinations of the same, depending on whether they lied about it, failed to do the research or just thought they were the first to discover electricity when they hit the light switch.

And, sadly, it’s because we don’t know how to do things for ourselves.  Let’s face it, we live in the same society that figures we don’t know how to go to the grocery store or read a cookbook so they sell us a meal on the world-wide-web.  We then receive a shipping carton from the UPS guy including “fresh produce and meats” and complete with step-by-step instructions…kinda’ like one of those model kits you put together when you were a kid.  And then we complain about box wines.  The same society to invent the motion activated paper towel dispenser so we don’t have to manually push that physically demanding lever.  The problem with this is you spend a great deal of time waving at the towel dispenser before you realize it’s an old fashioned pull-out model.

Now, to be fair, part of this is not a new society problem, but an old one, such as the adolescent comments at the beginning of the page.  That part of societal development used peer pressure as one of its tools to interject and strengthen what were then gender norms… You know, they bullied the other kids.  Still, what these kids learned was that these menial tasks were for girls.  Happily, this is not a view to which our current culture subscribes.  Now days we are under the impression that in order to be successful we have to pay for these tasks to be done by someone else.  If this is true, then it follows that anyone who hopes to be successful in the future need not bother to learn these skills because one day, someone else will do these things for you.

BULL!  Make your damn bed.  Learn how to boil some pasta, for heaven’s sake.  Don’t know how?  Look it up on the computer; it’s a marvelous resource.  If you can learn how to construct a nuclear weapon on the internet, you can certainly find out how to complete a small household chore.  Besides, the theory is the easy part of the nuclear weapon thing.  Acquisition of that pesky radioactive material is the hard part!  But, anyway, do some toil aimed at self-sufficiency.  You’ll feel better about yourself and, as an added benefit, you’ll put more steps on your Fitbit.  As an exercise, pretend you live all by yourself with no one around for miles and you have to do everything for yourself.

Trust me, if anyone finds out you’ve been looking at that nuclear weapon information, you’ll likely have to get used to it.