Once again the year approaches the crisp autumn and the time many outdoor enthusiasts look forward to all year.  No, not the beginning of school!  Hunting season.

Hunters from all over have been planning for weeks in anticipation; cleaning their shoguns, loading their shells, polishing their Suburbans.  Pheasant and grouse season is coming up fast.  Waterfowl season is just around the corner.  For those hunters who feel that waving a shotgun around spasmodically and shooting holes in the sky is good practice, dove season is a prerequisite.

Fall hunting season is a modern male bonding experience, equivalent to an old barn raising or threshing bee.  It promotes comradery and long-term friendships.  The topic of the hunt, both before and afterward, aids social interaction and advances political abilities (pronounce “lying”).  In cases of shooters such as the author (that’s me), the hunt offers up a target of good-natured ribbing and downright ridicule.

While this writer (me again) has become a good enough shot with a rifle, the whole concept behind the shotgun seems to be elusive to my skill set.  Over the years I have found that, for me, the best technique to use with any “scattergun” is to firmly grip the firearm with both hands just behind the bead…and swing from just below my right ear.  When hunting faster game such as doves, I find it necessary to choke up on the barrel a bit so as to increase the speed of my swing.  This method of shotgun use nets the same number of birds (none), but wastes far less ammunition.

The event of opening day is a curious ritual in today’s’ society.  A friend of mine is an avid hunter but he tempers his passion with wisdom.  Or maybe he just trades one passion for another.  At any rate, opening day will find him on the otherwise deserted golf course making use of any tee time he desires.  Meanwhile, his hunting buddies can be found in any given field of cut corn or mid-grass prairie, walking shoulder to shoulder, shotguns at the ready, grim determination on their faces.  A long, steadily moving line, unnoticeable in the morning mist – except for the blaze orange vests and caps and the 37 highly polished, brightly colored sport-utility vehicles parked in the background.  Looks kinda’ like Pickett’s charge on the third day of Gettysburg…provided Pickett’s charge had happened in the fall – after the advent of motorized vehicles.

Getting back to the question at hand, what is the lure of the sport that brings these people out to the field?  What is it that calls them from their warm offices, comfortable homes and 10:15 dental appointments?  Okay, so we know why they skipped the dental appointment, but what about the other stuff?  Historically it was the need for food, the necessity that forced the hunt.  Today food is affordable and easily available from supermarkets, grocery stores and assorted open houses and wedding receptions.  When considering the cost of licensing, shotgun shells, fuel and a couple of beers on the way home, an afternoon of pheasant hunting costs about as much as  supper for a family of four at a restaurant and a movie afterward (no popcorn – unless there was a guide involved in the hunting).  The need for food, therefore, is no longer the motivating factor.

Perhaps it is the exotic game itself.  Pheasant, for example, is not readily or cheaply available in stores.  This bird has been considered a delicacy for many thousands of years.  Actually, pheasant under glass has its beginnings in ancient China.  It seems that the all-you-can-eat buffets of antiquity did not yet have the obligatory sneeze shields, a relatively modern invention; so all dishes were covered with a glass lid (they were cloched!  Get it?  Cloche…  Never mind).  Pheasant served in this way has been a highly prized dish ever since…I think.

Duck, likewise, has grasped a portion of the upper level status since the emperors’ chef tried to cover up the fact that he spilled the salad dressing on the bird before he cooked the thing.    Goose has been prized as a special occasion offering for many hundreds of years.  Of course, I believe the popularity of the goose had more to do with the fact that it was large enough to feed the additional pesky relatives who would show up at the door during the holidays.  You could always count on visitors to make the journey to town for the long weekend and Medieval Days sales.  Also, if we were to continue with the argument that the urge to hunt is fired by the desire for more exotic foods, grouse season pretty much kills the debate.  The grouse has always been a mere “table bird”, best accompanied not by a wine of fine vintage but with a lager from last week.

Another possible explanation for the origin of the hunt struck me.  I researched the likelihood that bird hunting was initially spurred by the need to eradicate a dangerous species.  Since neither history nor archaeology shows any of these bird species to ever have been poisonous or particularly aggressive, I really found no evidence to support this theory – except one supermarket tabloid with the headline “20 FOOT PARTIDGE ATTACKS WOMAN”.  The publication would not reveal their sources, although they did tell me aliens have since abducted the woman.

After all this extensive study I believe the human hunts merely because he or she desires the challenge of the hunt.  The proof of man’s superiority over bird…or 53 men’s superiority over bird, as the case may be.  It is a regression to primitive man – the hunter throwing the spear, slinging a rock, um, bowing an arrow.  The return of the triumphant provider celebrating success, the pounding of the chest, the drinking of the mead, the telling of the tales.  And again, men can gather together in comradery around the topic of the hunt, practicing social interaction and political skills:

“…and then we flushed this thing out of the brush, and Charlie, I tell ya’, this partridge was 20 feet high at least!…”

Another election is approaching.  It’s the time of year we are inundated by obnoxious media advertising.  I’m not referring to politicians… they’re obnoxious all the time.  I’m talking about the new car ads in which every automobile manufacturer, including some which have been out of business for years, tout their new model year designs as the ultimate in vehicle production and you’ll never want to buy another car, ever, so long as you live until maybe next year when they come out with an even better design.  Some of them may actually believe it themselves.  You’d think they had received divine blueprints with measurements in cubits, or their metric equivalents.

          But let’s be honest – these trapezoid transportation tins (sorry) have come a very long way since the first Model T rolled off the assembly line, which was a long time ago; before the alphabet was even placed in the current order because the Model T was followed by the Model A, but that’s another story, I think.  Since that time many advancements have been made in aerodynamics, suspension, automotive electronics, manufacturing efficiency and, most important from the auto company’s point of view, financing.

          Take the shape of cars, for example.  The first motorized vehicles were highly angular, squared off boxes – basically, they were what they were called – a horseless carriage.  And if you drove one, you’d know what they meant.  These first autos would go from 0 to 20 in maybe 4 minutes.  NO horses at all.  You couldn’t squeal the tires or jump speed bumps or generate high insurance rates or anything.  Anyway, once they advanced to better steel working technology the cars began to grow more rounded… and then they got squared and angular again, and then rounded, and then…  Well, I guess the styling advancements didn’t really go anywhere, but the vehicles have become lower to the ground and more aerodynamically friendly.  This is achieved by placing a model of the vehicle in a tunnel and blowing large amounts of air at it.  Then they just chop off the corners that don’t act dynamic.  It’s an intense and highly scientific thing, but it helps cars become more fuel efficient, better handling, quieter and have 1/3 less fat.

          Another very visible change is color.  Henry Ford first said about his pioneer, mass-produced automobile that it was available in any color, “as long as it was black.”  With advances in pigmentation, chemical bases and polymer coats, cars today can be purchased with solid or metallic colors in a plain blue to a radiant teal or a pearl opalescent white or any color in between.  Except black.  I don’t know if you can get just plain black anymore.

          Which brings us to the personalized part of the car; the part which makes your vehicle different from every other car in the country… the options.  The first production automobiles had very limited options available.  Basically you had the option of buying one or not.  Eventually the manufacturers began to offer certain choices when you purchased one of their cars.  At first it was simple things, like, do you want a top or not?  Do you want a few seats or a whole bunch?  Do you want regular or decaf?  Today you can choose from a cornucopia (this is a word I found in a Pilgrim dictionary.  It means “a lot”) of choices from color and trim to suspension packages and satellite link road service systems.  This last item is a real option on certain up-scale models (READ: expensive cars).  If you signal that you have experienced a breakdown or need emergency services, a control center receives your exact location via satellites in geosynchronous orbit.  Then they laugh heartily because their primary job is remotely opening doors for morons who lock their keys in the car.  [alt.:  because their primary job is dealing with multi-gazillion dollar equipment and they’re not really concerned with your $40,000 car.  Still, they will call someone and have assistance on its way to you within 20 minutes… 48 hours, tops.]

          Some options offered over the years have disappeared, like the swiveling drivers’ seat which made it easier for the operator to hit their knees on the steering wheel, or the steering coordinated headlights which shone in the direction the vehicle was turned… such as the eyes of the oncoming driver.  These were not bad options, just not government mandated, not very popular or, like the am/fm 8-track stereo with 29 channel citizens band radio, not popular for very long.  The really popular options, such as the radio or power assisted disc brakes replacing regular hydraulic drum brakes, eventually became standard features.  The manufacturers keep notes on these things and if, over a period of several years the public orders, say, 92% of all cars with am/fm stereo valve stems, it makes good business sense to offer this as a standard feature thereby lowering the overall cost due to volume sales and only torquing off the 8% of the people who wanted the car without the am/fm stereo valve stems who now have to pay more for the vehicle than they originally planned, but less than they would have had to had they added this option before it was a standard feature…  See?

          Another mass production sales technique the automobile companies use to reduce the price to you, the victim, er, consumer, is to offer option “packages.”  This works in much the same way as making items “standard features.”  If most of the cars ordered have air conditioning, power windows, power door locks and little buttons in the glove compartment to open the trunk accidentally while you’re nervously trying to locate your vehicle registration and proof of insurance, then the people in the statistical note department at Standard Autos will recommend that all these items be included in an option package.  In this way, these options will cost you only $1,868.47 instead of the total individual price of $1,876.18, thereby resulting in a substantial savings and helping to individualize your car with options for less money.  Of course, that makes your individualized car pretty much the same as everyone else’s and you’ll have to put one of those antennae decorations on it to find it in the parking lot.

          Finally, the major breakthrough in automotive technology is in the area of financing.  This is due to minor adjustments in banking practices and computerization and huge advances in automobile pricing.  Let’s face it; at $50,000 most people wouldn’t have a new car if they couldn’t stretch the payments out over a little longer time frame… like the Jurassic Period.

          So park an older car next to a shiny new model with swoopy lines and ergonomic design, scratch resistant paint and high fuel efficiency, state of the art safety features and a sound-deadening passenger compartment.  Compare the two.

          What do you see?

          I see that one of these cars is paid for and the other soaks up most of my future retirement funds.