I wrote a check the other day.

          “That’s old school!” you’re thinking to yourself.

          Well, okay.  I’ll give you that.  But, like you and millions of others I still write checks once in a while, sometimes quite a few.  I’m also pretty good at most of them, managing to fill in all of the little lines with the appropriate information, such as the date, the amount, the person for whom the funds are intended and my name in longhand which no one at the bank ever checks against a signature card anyway or they would know that “L…” is not my complete name OR official signature.  I’ve even gotten to the point where I fill in that short “note” line in the lower left-hand corner with some cryptic phrase that I won’t be able to read or remember when I get the check back.  Using this line makes you look organized, however, and the appearance of organization gets you, maybe 6.3% of the way there…wherever “there” is.

          The particular check in question was different in that it was a bit larger than my usual check – and, even though I was sure I had done so, I actually forgot to enter it into my check register.  It is possible that the entry into the register experienced “spontaneous erasure”.  This is a para-scientific phenomenon which takes place when random molecules on the surface of the paper begin to dissipate for no reason at all, taking with them the ink which was written on top of them.  This can cause a chain reaction which may take out one or even more lines in your check register.  It seems to strike harder at youthful subjects where it often wipes out whole homework assignments.

          Anyway, for those of us who carry an average daily balance in our checking accounts of $462,186.43, this is not likely to be a problem.  Those of us, however, who normally keep an account which ranges in the neighborhood of “excuse me, but I have to get this deposit to the bank before 3 o’clock”, generally know what it means to “balance” our checking account.

          Timing was actually the biggest problem – aside from the fact that I am, personally, too cheap to spend the extra money on duplicate, carbonless checks.  As is common in life, at least for a few of us…like all of us who breath oxygen…this small mistake, compounded by chance occurrences, caused another chain reaction much like the fission which takes place at the core of a nuclear device.  The result, I think, even caused a small mushroom cloud at the bank.

          What happened, as near as I can reconstruct the incident, is that this semi-large check (meaning a check as big as a tractor-trailer rig) made it to the financial institution days after it was written, giving me ample time to forget about it.  The bank, staffed by nice individuals who must have, at one time or another, done something equally as stupid, waited until after the days deposit deadline to see if the owner of the account would inject some life into a faltering monetary existence.  He, or rather, I, did not, however, being blissfully unaware of the situation.

          Here is where the chain reaction begins.  This day, naturally, was Friday, meaning when the nice people at the bank printed and mailed a notice that said “Hey, Moron!  You can’t write checks for more than the amount of money you presently have in your account,” or something to that effect, it fell into a black hole at the U.S. Postal Service and came out in a locale so far distant there were only three digits in the zip code.  Whatever happened to it, it never reached my mail box until the following Tuesday.  In the meantime, having a surplus of funds according to the register balance, I led the family on a weekend excursion following children’s activities all over the region strewing checks like flower petals over hundreds of miles.  (I should point out that I, personally, have never before “strewn” flower petals, but I would imagine it would be something like this.)

          Now, had I been aware of my error within a day or two I could easily have circumvented the trail of latex-based monetary instruments I had left behind me.  This would have been possible because the same nice people at the bank have a policy of covering the overdrafts they receive UP to the amount of the last deposit to the account in question.  Of course, they have a service charge for this sort of thing.  This service charge goes up as your mistakes pour into the office.  I believe the rate of increase is exponential, which is a mathematical statement meaning “at the speed of light.”  Coupling this with the fact that my last deposit was in the area of $43.00 pretty much wiped out my safety cushion.  By the time the first notice reached me on Tuesday, the destruction was nearly complete.  Adjustments and transfers were made to the account immediately but weren’t credited until Wednesday.  Overdraft notices came dropping in like return artillery fire for three days, each one, in chain reaction form, more devastating than the last.  I was extremely embarrassed but still compelled to approach the recipients of my dishonored checks with my hat in my hand, so to speak.  The trouble was, I don’t wear a hat and it was impossible to buy one since I couldn’t write a check anywhere.  The closest I could come was an old stocking cap, so I begged forgiveness and made good on the checks without the headgear.

          Some of the establishments which received the bad paper turned them over to a check collection agency.  This is an institution whose sole purpose is the collection of bad checks.  This is also where the people who aren’t nice enough to work at the bank get jobs.  The collection agency will attempt to collect the amount of the check plus a small additional charge for the business which accepted your lecherous attempt to get a meal without paying for it.  They will also levy a minimal service charge to help cover their own costs.  For each check this will generally run in the area of $862.93.  As you can guess, this can cause a fiscal chain reaction and lead you to spend time in jail because you can’t cover the cost of the four deficient checks you wrote which averaged $9.32 each…plus the service charge at the bank which totaled $235.00 plus the charge at the collection agency which came to a 15 year mortgage at 12% interest.

          All in all these folks were pretty good about the whole thing, but then, they came out ahead on the deal.  The whole process has taught me a great deal.  For one thing, I’m seriously considering duplicate checks.

          And I’m shopping for a new financial institution.  Not that the people at the old one weren’t nice enough – I’m just trying to find one with an accidental chain reaction clause in the checking account contract.

          …And I started wearing hats.

         As is normal this time of year, I have been out shooting a lot.  I have to add that I have been hitting things, too, for those of you who were aiming a snide remark at the page.  What I’ve been hitting is mostly various air particles along with a good supply of dirt, a number of trees, a few fence posts and the windshield of a 2013 Suburban, the latter of which runs about $267.63 a pound, dressed out.  That price can change depending on where you have it “processed.”

          While you are probably having better luck than I am, most hunters tend to expend a great amount of ammunition at this time of year.  Depending on the frequency of your shooting, for whatever reason, this can run into quite an expense if you’re not frugal with your shots – or if you can’t shoot.  In an effort to reduce the cost of my getting out of the house on weekends, I have done some research into loading my own shells, or “reloading” as it is commonly known.

          My brother actually helped me get started in reloading.  I think it was so I could afford to practice more so I could become more proficient and he would not have to worry about his family and friends while I was out and about with a high powered firearm.  He is not the first member of my family to whom I am a disappointment.  Anyway, let me pass on to you some of the information I have gained from him and other sources.

          Let’s get started with the basics.  First we’ll need something in which to put our bullet.  Sure, a firearm is necessary eventually and a cardboard box will work, too, but what I’m talking about here is the casing of the shell which is traditionally made out of animal intestines and can be purchased at any butcher shop.  These can be stuffed with… Wait… that’s for the sausage making article.  What we need is a case, typically a brass constructed cylinder capped on one end.  Each case is specifically designed for a particular firearm so it fits within strict tolerances.  This tight fit keeps the pressure from the expanding gases from forcing its way backward into the breach thereby removing thrust from the projectile and hair from your eyebrows – or worse.  If the fit is too tight, it can cause the shell to become stuck in the loading mechanism; a situation termed firearm “jam.”  I, personally, have never actually seen this happen, but I believe many rifles are equipped with this option to help hunters save face when they come home empty handed.

       “Yeah, I tracked the thing all day – knew it was a big one by the size of the        tracks.  Finally, just about sundown, I was standin’ by this juniper tryin’ to smell like a rock and the darn thing came through the trees.  I tell ya’, Bill, it was huge!  He had a rack on ‘im looked like two dead birch trees – had telephone lines hangin’ from the tops of  ‘em!  I brought up my rifle and wouldn’t ya’ know, the thing jammed on me!  I coulda’ touched the thing, I tell ya’.”

          The next critical component we need is the round or bullet.  These are, of course, the projectiles which are forced from the barrel of the firearm.  Historically, bullets were made from lead because lead melts at a low temperature making it easy to form to the required shape.  Also, it has enough mass so that it carries the energy of the shot and is difficult to deflect from its course, more so than, say, spit wads.  Today lead, in an alloy form, is still the basic material used for bullets because, well, I don’t know why, really.  I didn’t want to do that much research.  The same reasons, I would guess and it’s cheap.  Good enough for me.  Nowadays they often use a copper or alloy coating around the lead.  This is called a jacketed bullet and helps keep the soft lead core from distorting its shape due to the explosive pressures of the firing chamber.  I think the jacket also keeps the core of the bullet warm, which is where the term “hot lead” came from…maybe.

          Now that we have these parts we could make a cartridge that looks complete.  We’re missing a few components, however, and this ammunition would not fire – which to a lot of hunters would make no difference whatsoever, netting them the same amount of game they usually bring home.  However, since they would probably miss the loud noise that usually accompanies the pull of the trigger, we will continue what we started by adding the gun powder.  This, of course, is a chemical propellant which, when ignited turns to a gas and expands explosively – much the same as that greasy pepperoni and green pepper pizza when you mix it with beer.  At any rate, this sudden increase in pressure is what forces the projectile from the front of the firearm.

          All we really need now is a reliable way to get the powder to ignite – we need a powerful flare to set it off.  That’s where our last component, the primer, comes in.  Aside from keeping the powder from running out that little hole in the case once it’s friction fit into the bottom, the primer contains a small amount of a highly volatile mixture of chemicals.  Extreme care must be taken with this portion of the cartridge – these things will go off faster than a spouse after a forgotten birthday.  Actually, during a time when firearms were still using an antiquated system of flints and black powders, these primers were invented by a dentist as a quick means of removing teeth…maybe.  The unknowing patient would be instructed to bite down on a little cup with the bad tooth and the extraction would be over.  Of course, problems were experienced with additional teeth being removed from the explosive reaction, so use for this purpose was discontinued.  Kinda’ gives a new meaning to the term “blasting caps”, though, doesn’t it.

          These are the basic components we need to build our cartridges.  We can’t just put them together in the field, however.  Some of these parts are really small and precise measurements are necessary so they’re kind of hard to put together in a stiff wind on a cold day with coveralls and gloves on.  We’re going to need some tools in order to assemble these parts so let’s look at them as we need them.

          For this step, we’ll have to start with a priming tool.  This is often a small handheld press which slowly and evenly pushes the priming cap into the shell case.  It may be possible to use a wide, flat punch to force the primer into the case.  As a matter of fact, if you were very, very careful you could probably do this successfully on 3 out of 4 attempts.  Of course, the other one would be kind of hard on your bench, tools and fingers.  Also, if you decide to use this method, remember to place your powder and your other primers a good distance away from the bench at which you’re working.  Personally, I would strongly advise against this approach and urge you to spend the few bucks on a priming tool.

          Once we have the primer in the case we need a means to precisely measure the amount of powder we put in each cartridge.  You should note it’s not a good idea to just fill it to the top each time since this could cause minor difficulties in your shooting.  Things like various pieces of your weapon escaping in a number of different directions upon firing.  This is generally not a desirable outcome and if it happens to you and you are still upright and able, don’t bother looking for your missing pieces… they’re not going to be any good, anyway.

          In filling, or charging, the cases, the beginner can use a set of powder measures as a starter.  These are like a set of measuring cups you have in your kitchen except they’re larger…  The ones in the kitchen, I mean.  They work the same way, too.  All you have to do is follow the recipe’ for the bullet you want to load with the powder you are using.  This is important because each powder has a different expansion rate, volume and percentage of calories from fat.

          Finally, we need to insert the bullet into the charged case… or you can pay cash, that’s up to you.  For this purpose we need a press and a die set.  The use for the press is obvious.  We’re “pressing” the bullet into the case.  The die set is a press accessory which is made within strict tolerances to the exact measurements of your bullet size.  When the proper depth and neck pressure is set, the bullet can be set atop the shell and pressed together to form the completed product.

          If you have followed these instructions, as I have written them, you are plainly quite gullible.  You should, however, have a completed cartridge which you can turn upside down without having any of the components fall out.  There is a possibility, however slight, that it may even fire.  This essay serves the simple purpose of giving you the basic idea of how this process works and is in no way intended as a comprehensive guide to reloading.  For that objective I would direct you to purchase any one of a large number of books published strictly for the purpose of promoting the wealth of the person who wrote the volume.  These publications will have many diagrams, charts and technical terms which you will find difficult to understand, thereby making them well worth the money.

          In addition to the components and tools I have mentioned here, there are optional items which are very handy; things like shell gauging tools, a powder scale and supplemental homeowners insurance.  And if you get through this with any money left over, you should be able to save enough to take some shooting lessons.

My wife is gone.  For the next two weeks, my wife is traveling for work.  You know what that means…

Road Trip!  To where my wife is…

What’s the matter with that!?!  She’s in Colorado!  Okay, maybe you haven’t been married as long as I have.  Or maybe you’ve been married longer.  Or maybe you just don’t like your wife…  (I’d keep that to myself if I were you).  Or maybe you just haven’t been to Colorado.

Either way, it’s still a road trip.  Naturally, that means different things to different people.  If you’re 12, it may mean putting up with your little brother irritating you for hours while your dad blames everything on you and threatens to turn the car around.  If you’re 8, it may mean baiting your older sister into violence so she will lose the game on points with your dad.  Hey! It’s just as easy to win the game on points if you take some of them from the other side than if you exert the effort to put them up yourself.  Or, to paraphrase:  Subversiveness is the best offense.  Besides, you may have a promising career in politics ahead of you.

Where was I?  Oh, yeah.  If you’re older, you probably just see it as an opportunity to get away.  This is a viable option if you want to get away TO someplace or if, like me, you just want to BE away.  Please don’t confuse this topic with people telling you to GO away.  I have some experience (a lot) with this subject, as well, but we’ll go into that another time.

Now, if you want to get TO someplace and you’re not concerned with the process of getting there, you may want to find the cheapest flight available (don’t forget to take into consideration your checked baggage charge, carry-on charge, choose-your-seat charge, breathable air charge and bag-of-6-pretzels-that-you-used-to-get-for-free charge.  There is no option for the get-away-from-the-person-next-to-you-who-texts-through-the-whole-flight-because-the-rules-don’t-apply-to-him charge, so you can’t pay extra for one of the things worth paying for).  If, however, you find that the journey itself IS the destination, you may want to travel in a slower, more old-fashioned manner.

Actually, I was referring to driving, but drawn carriage, horseback or even hiking will work.  For our purposes we’ll consider the driving road trip and if you’re interested in one of the other methods of travel you can just read the rest of the article more sloooowlyyyy.

Now, for this type of excursion I would recommend circumven…, circumnaviga…, um, not driving on the Interstate highways.  Granted, in some areas you may want to use it just because, eventually, you’ll have to go back to work.    Most western states come to mind and some are worse (or better, depending on your perspective) than others.  In these areas you are often forced to use the Interstate due simply to a lack of options.  You’ll find there are a lot of things you can see while driving on the Interstate Highway System.  This is just an accident.  Interstate highways were never purposefully placed next to anything interesting but, hey, they have to be next to something, right?  In most cases the things worth seeing were placed there after the highway was built or they were just too costly and impractical to work around.    And yes, that is the kind of thing I would toss in just because I thought it chuckle-worthy, but in this case, it’s true.

Of course, had the designers of the highway system known that, in the future, the human-carved mountain sculpture of a nations great, historical leaders and statesmen would go unnoticed by people checking their “likes” (from people they don’t really know) on a small device they’re staring at while not paying attention to their driving, they would have diverted the Interstate past a perpetual train wreck.  It would have made no difference.

Anyway, if you’re cruising the countryside I recommend choosing a good state or federal highway, preferably one with only two lanes.  This is the difference between “cruising” and “traversing” the countryside.  I would also recommend cutting 5 mph off the speed limit, just to help force you to look around.  If it’s a nice day, open your window…   yeah, I know it’s hard to hear the radio!  You used to be a kid; turn it UP!  Better yet, turn it off.  This is the best way to experience the excursionary pioneer spirit in a few days time.  Would you rather load all your belongings in a covered wagon and slog across the prairie?  I didn’t think so.  Trust me, this is better.

With the wind brushing your brow let your daily problems blow away with it.  Absorb the broad emptiness.  Imagine your solitude if you were an explorer.  Think about where you would be if your car quit.  No, your car didn’t make a funny noise; that was just to make you concentrate on the loneliness, the solitude, the individual strength needed and the fortitude of the earliest people in this unforgiving wilderness.  And the freedom.   You are free!  No constraint…  No restrictions…  No expectations…  NO!  Your car did NOT make a noise!  Maybe you should take the bus.

The point is, use this time to embrace your lack of ultra-modern civilization.  You still have your cell phone, you’re just not tethered to it.  You have your air-conditioning and fuel injection and paved highways and you can have cable tv if you stop at a motel for the night.  Enjoy the disconnect!  Stop to read one of those roadside markers.  Pull off to a historic landmark at the side of the road.  Some of them are very interesting (DISCLAIMER:  Not the one you stop at.  That one will be one of the dull ones.  Still, don’t give up – most of them are interesting and educational).

In other words; relax.

And for those of you not wanting to take a road trip to where your spouse is, you may want to try to think of somewhere you can take a road trip, get away from everything and everyONE for a few days…  and at the same time receive those elusive marital points for your enjoyment.

Wave to me in the aquamarine ’66 Thunderbird if you finally understand.  Have a good trip.