I really don’t know why I chose camping and backpacking as a hobby.  Like most hobbies people really enjoy, I believe it kind of chose me through a series of chance occurrences.  This type of fateful manipulation reduces my need to make a decision on the subject, thereby effectively leaving me out of the loop.  In this kind of situation I am free to stand by with a confused look on my face…this is the kind of situation with which I am comfortable.

          One of the original facets that drew me to camping was the fact that it was distinguished by its lack of formal equipment as a prerequisite.  This is where the outdated term “roughing it” came from.  I recall gathering a bedroll, which I utilized until my grandmother gave me an old, used sleeping bag she had repaired.  The sleeping bag was quite a welcome piece of equipment, which saved me from a great deal of anguish associated with camping.  Not that my bedroll wasn’t warm enough – the blankets and quilts I used were usually more insulation than needed for the mild weather camping I did in my youth.  The primary problem with the bedroll was the unerring selection of my mothers’ best blankets and quilts for camping use.  I never could quite pick up on this lesson, generally commandeering materials which garnered me “wait ‘til your father gets home!” status.  I would then be alienated from my siblings and any other neighborhood kids who heard my sentence, since they didn’t want to be seen associating with a convicted person.

          Aside from beginning without a sleeping bag, I also initially did without a backpack.  It’s not that I deemed it unnecessary, it’s just that, well, when you rolled everything up in the bedroll you really didn’t need anything else …although a tandem axle trailer might have been helpful.  Naturally this didn’t carry very well but I was much too young and naïve to realize it.  Heck, the only reason I didn’t take the family barbecue and charcoal with me was the poor packing and carrying dimensions of the kettle grill.

          Anyway, camping this way was fun mostly because I was much too stupid to know how back-breaking, barge-toting , bale-hauling hard I was working.  I may have caught on to my intellectual discrepancy earlier if all my friends hadn’t been equally ignorant.  Add to this the fact that, as a kid, a hundred yards was a substantial distance (once you could no longer see your house), we never did the marathon twenty mile days some hikers do as adults.

          As I grew older I acquired more sophisticated equipment such as cold weather sleeping bags which displaced the same volume as a twin mattress and frame, a portable stove about the size of an apartment-size range top and a canvas tent with roughly the same weight as the equivalent coverage in sheetrock less the 2×4 frame support.  Of course, by the time I collected all of this, I had to buy a ’67 Chevy pick-up with sagging springs and sloppy steering in order to carry all of my junk.  Well, actually, I didn’t have to buy a vehicle with bad springs and steering.  That’s just all I could afford.

          Today, however, it is much easier to pack a great deal of equipment and necessities due to synthetics, dehydration and redesign.  For example, a warm, ultra-light, hi-tech synthetic filled mummy bag will weigh you down only about 5 pounds and further reduce your load by relieving you of anywhere from 150 to 500 dollars.  In addition, you will have time to appreciate the warmth of this technological sleeping system since you’ll probably be awake all night wondering how to sleep with your legs bound together after the fashion of a Harry Houdini escape illusion.  As a matter of fact, though many people don’t know it, I believe Houdini died while attempting the mummy bag escape trick while hanging upside down from the gear loft of an ultra-light geodesic dome tent.

          Cuisine and the preparation of food in the backcountry have also advanced on the trail of progress, so to speak.  A given amount of fuel today will release much more heat energy for cooking than an equal amount in days past.  Today’s fuels with modern camp cooking equipment heat foods quickly and efficiently without the soot and smoky-burnt taste of wood charred, er, cooked, fare.  Since many people used to cook with dry wood they picked up from the forest floor, the use of other fuels also reduces the depletion of fallen deadwood, which provides valuable habitat for wildlife.  Of course, nowadays I pack in a stove and fuel instead of burning wood so I actually have a net weight gain of several pounds.  However, this extra burden is suffered for the purposes of taste, convenience and environmental responsibility.  But then, I personally preferred the sooty palate of smoke to the delicate flavor of white gas.  Come to think of it, it would also be more convenient if I didn’t have to lose my eyebrows to the obligatory “poof” of flame when lighting the modern ultra-light, high efficiency campstove.  Environmental responsibility aside, it leaves me yearning for the days of a two-pine bonfire.

          The food we cook is also less of a burden.  It’s already lighter simply by the removal of excess fat, cholesterol, processed sugars and salt.  In many cases, if backpacking during the proper season, I simply grab a handful of the nearest available plantlife with a pinch of wild-growing herb for flavor.

           Besides the restricted diet, any food from simple fruit to shrimp Cantonese can be carried easily and lightly thanks to dehydration and freeze-drying.  This is a process whereby the food solids remain the same and only the water and flavor are removed.  Food preparation then consists only of adding boiling water.  This very naturally leads us to another recent camping concern…

          Water.  This substance used to come from the closest stream, river or brook.  Dip it out, let it settle a bit and your thirst was gone.  Today, civilization has brought us giardia lamblia, cryptosporidium protozoa, psoriasis, arthritis and a possible connection to nuclear-emotive psychosis – all from untreated water.  That’s not to mention the additional susceptibility to cavities from drinking unfloridated water.

          To combat these dangers you need to:  A) carry your own water, or B) buy a filter system you have a great deal of faith in.  If you choose to, A) carry your own water, you have to leave a little extra room in your pack and probably do without a few luxuries such as clean underwear and your portable electric nail clipper with diamond dust emery board since water weighs in at about 8 pounds per gallon.  If you choose option B), buy a filter system, you should be prepared to leave more liquid assets than just water.  Many of these systems work well in removing unwanted organisms from your water to be filtered.  For instance, it’s often so dry in the badlands that if you manage to find water, you have to blow the dust off the top before you can filter it.

          All in all, a beginning backpacker or camper can get by fairly inexpensively.  However, if it comes to the point you feel it necessary to replace some of your simple, useful, bulky equipment with swoopy, light, technologically advanced camping systems, please keep this in mind…  for this kind of money you can trade off the ’67 Chevy pick-up for a new Suburban and drive to the campsite with your old equipment neatly stowed in the back.

          Now that’s progress.

Do you know where you’re going?

No!  I don’t mean your path in life!   You obviously haven’t read any of my stuff before.  A philosophical subject like that is waaaay too deep for my shovel.

What I’m referring to is, when you leave your home and go to your next location, do you know where you’re going?…or more specifically, how to get there?  In this case, the modern GPS is an amazingly helpful device, whether it’s on your cell phone, a portable unit or one of those tablet sized ones they build into the dash on your vehicle so you can be easily distracted while attempting to not get lost.

The GPS, or Giant Pain…no, that’s GPA!…  The Global Positioning System is a technology that uses a space based satellite network to pinpoint a location “on or near” the Earth’s surface.  For purposes of this article, we will assume “on.”  It was invented by Al Gore after he invented the internet.  Or before.  Or maybe it was someone else.  Doesn’t matter.

Either way, this technology can find your location, find your destination, calculate options as to route and roads, then direct you in the direction of the most traffic.  There is also technology available to help circumvent that traffic, but that comes at additional cost and only works in the movies.

As with any new tech, there is a plethora (that means a lot) of uses and applications for this system.  Also, as with any new science, there are downsides and learning curves with which to deal.  One of the downsides of the GPS is language compatibility.  Some of these units have a voice interface.  What this means is you can talk to the unit instead of punch buttons on the screen to instruct the machine to lead you where you want to go.  This feature helps you keep your eyes on the road or your cell phone keyboard as you text while driving.  Sadly, however, it doesn’t do a thing for your frustration level.

“And why not?” you ask.

Okay, one of you asked, even if it wasn’t you.

That’s because, with all the choices available in the language selection menu, “GPS language” is not one of the choices you are offered.  The unit will likely instruct you in a language that resembles whatever you chose, in this case English, but the words it strings together don’t seem to make any sense!

Let’s take the simplest instruction you receive when you get to the first corner.  Your high-tech electronic device will inform you to “prepare to turn left.”

What does that mean?

How do you “prepare” for something like that?  Do you have to wake up?  I am relatively sure this is one of the prerequisites for driving in the first place.  This requirement comes right after the one that says you can’t drive if you’re blind.  Maybe it’s telling you to move to the correct lane, but then why doesn’t it tell you move to the left-turn lane?  This is one of the statements you have to learn in order to operate your vehicle under GPS instruction.  Fortunately, it doesn’t take too long for most of us to catch on after we see our intersection go by outside the window because we didn’t properly “prepare” to turn left.

Granted, there are many very useful instructions or informational comments.  “Prepare to exit left,” is a particularly helpful piece of information, since most exits are to the right.  Knowing this can keep you from cutting across three lanes of traffic in front of other vehicles – provided they “prepare” you for the exit far enough in advance.  I should warn you, from the opposing perspective, that the unit will NOT advise you to watch for an idiot cutting across three lanes of traffic to make the exit.

“You have reached your destination; your destination is on the right” is a useful statement, but not all units seem to have this courtesy.  If they don’t, you invariably find yourself in the wrong lane and need to circle the block to attain your destination.

“Bear right” is another helpful hint, but different manufacturers seem to have different definitions for this statement.  How many degrees of course change constitute a “bear” as compared to a “turn” or a “follow the road?”  Was the last little bend the “bear right” or is that still ahead?  If you take your eyes off the road to look at the GPS screen, you may find out that the “bear right” referred to the extremely large, hairy guy in the Super Duty pick-up.  You know…the one you just tagged while not looking where you were going.

Translation notwithstanding, some proclamations are just designed to cause confusion.  “Move left and keep left, then keep left.” You know there’s a median over there, right?  I can see it on the screen that you know that.  How far left do you want me to go?  We could assume that one of the two left most lanes would be good for this instruction, until it’s followed by the suggestion, ”Prepare to exit right.”  Now what the hell do you do?!

I should point out here that speaking harshly to the GPS unit will NOT gain you an explanation or clarification of any sort.  It may increase your blood pressure but you’re still not getting any help.  Just sayin’.

The answer to my quandary of dealing with the GPS finally fell into place recently when my long owned unit told me to “prepare to drive straight.”  Prepare to drive straight?!”  REALLY?…

And suddenly, with clarity befitting full HD, it occurred to me – this is my spouse!  “Go this way!  Go that way!  Do this!”  Even if you’re doing it correctly, you need to do it correctly in a different way – perhaps MORE correctly!

And so, with this epiphany, I understand the best way to deal with the GPS language barrier.  Do your level best to understand or decipher the instructions.  If you get it wrong, the unit will “recalculate” and tell you the best way to proceed.

In other words, it will treat you like an idiot, just like it has to deal with you ALL THE TIME!

And you thought machines couldn’t learn anything!

            The other day I was speaking with a friend…she wasn’t my friend, mind you; she seemed to have better taste than that.  Still, she struck me as being a very nice person who has actual friends.  Anyway, she was telling me about a place she visited in Nebraska.  Yes, there are places to visit in Nebraska…  there’s no place NEXT to them, but there are places to visit. 

            This particular place was a historical site at which had been found the fossilized remains of prehistoric camels.

            “Hey!” you’re thinking at this article, “there are no camels in North America… or even Nebraska!”

            You’re right, and that’s exactly my point.  Consider the significance of the fact.  This means there were people on this continent long before anyone thought there were – and they had ZOO’s!  Imagine.  A prehistoric people in America with a thirst for knowledge, a desire for culture and the need for someplace to take their kids on Saturday afternoon.  And since these camels are from Africa or the Middle East or some continent which has already fallen into some ocean or other, it means these people had intercontinental commerce and consequently, intercontinental travel and probably a trade deficit, but that’s not the point of this article.  I mean, think about it.  They had to get the camels over here somehow and they couldn’t just slap a FED-EX sticker on them and send them off.  This was way before the first cargo ships (which were made of gopher wood and measured in cubits…I think).   

            To accomplish this monumental task these early zoologists enlisted the aid of Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom’s Marlin Perkins, who was a young man at that time.  Since they didn’t have a written language at that time, Marlin was known by an odd geometric symbol, which meant “the wildlife biologist who will later be known as Marlin Perkins.”  What Marlin did was travel to the Middle East, which was then the Southwest because you had to approach it from the Northeast.  And even though they crossed what is now the International Date Line, it hadn’t really developed into an actual line then – it was then only a hyphenated open space, so they had no agreed upon point from which to determine direction so they just figured from where they were at the time.  Follow?

            At any rate, to help him secure these dromedaries from the wild, Marlin likely enlisted the aid of Honest Assim’s New and Used Camel Oasis.  (Marlin didn’t actually start capturing wild animals until he hired his young, burly, gullible protégé, Jim.)

“What you need to do, Jim, is take these two natives, wade into the water and grab that great white shark.”

“That looks a little dangerous, don’t you think, Mr. Perkins?”

“Aw, kid!  We used to do it that way all the time.  If it makes you feel any better you can shoot them with this tranquilizer dart from this $17.98 Daisy Air Pistol and then catch him in this seaweed net.”

This is how Jim reached the level he has today as the second most stitched-up man in show business after Evel Kneival.

            Where were we?  Oh, yes.  So this group would barter something for the camels – say wooly mammoth tusks, or better yet, a wooly mammoth – and then head back to Nebraska, which back then was called something more primitive, like…  Arkansas.  In order to return with these camels, or even get there in the first place, these daring zoologists had to cross the Bering Land Bridge, the remains of which now stand on either side of the Bering Strait, so called even though it’s kind of curved.  Now the bridge itself was built by early engineers as a means to get to Las Vegas for conventions and to follow escaping caribou which would swim aroundand circle back to take the beach a couple hundred yards to the south.  The hunters didn’t know that, however, so they had prehistoric construction crews build the bridge out of land.  This only makes architectural sense because this was, of course, before the “iron” age or the “bronze” age or even the “stone” age.  This was as far back as the “dirt” age, so the early engineers used dirt for everything:  bridges, houses, office buildings, computers, chicken dinners – everything.

            Finally, when the journey was complete, they placed the camels in cages – which were, of course, made of dirt.  That’s why today there is no evidence of the pens used to house the different animals.  Because of this, some archaeological scientists have come up with the inane idea that these camels found their way over here by themselves and have since become extinct.  This is the kind of far-fetched supposition which gives science a bad name.  Take all those mammoths found in the tar pits.  Archaeologists would have us believe that these animals were so stupid that one of them got stuck in the muck and the rest of them just followed him in. 

            I think it’s rather self-centered to believe that just because these mammals are not humans or that they aren’t evolved to the point of low-fat cuisine that they automatically have the intelligence of all-star wrestlers.

            I think it proves that these early people domesticated these animals – and used them on road crews where they were accidentally caught in the hot oil used to asphalt the road.