What to have for dinner?  Hmmm?

Fast food?  Barbeque?  Indian?  Pizza?  Casual dining ?  (This is a term which refers to restaurants like Applebee’s, Chili’s or TGI Friday’s.  In reality, it sounds kind of like staying home and having left-overs.)

Hey, that’s an idea.  Let’s cook at home tonight!  You heat up the oven and grab the sauté pan and I will get online and order dinner!  For next week sometime.  But we’ll do it at home.  Ourselves.  So it will be fresh.  Sort of.  But it sure sounds good, doesn’t it?

What I’m talking about is ordering our meals on the internet so they can be delivered next week, say, Tuesday – and then WE have to cook them.  This keeps us from having to go through the tremendously stressful task of deciding what to have for dinner next week Tuesday.  I do understand that in today’s society we are increasingly inundated by family demands.  The kids have ballet recitals, soccer practice, play dates, violin stringing rehearsals, basketball recitals and any number of useless appointments to keep them from being, you know, kids.  We, as adults, are busy with work, kids, chasing after the kids, paying the housekeeper to clean up after the kids, being a single Dad, a single Mom or dealing with a relationship.  Worse yet, being a NOT single Mom or Dad and dealing with another relationship…good luck with that!  In addition, with the universal use of email and cell phones, we are working any time of the day!  We need the stress relief.  We need the help.  We need…, well, we need to quit coming up with excuses and do stuff for ourselves!!!!!!!

HOW did we GET here?

Not you and I; I know how we got here.  I couldn’t find anything on television, so I sat down and wrote this and apparently you are in a really B-O-R-I-N-G meeting and are reading it…because you have poor wi-fi reception and couldn’t download those cat videos from Youtube.

Now, so you know where my perspective is based, I am an older male (it’s okay, I came by it honestly) living in the Midwest/West.  I no longer have to worry directly about the kids, I’m too used to not being single and I’m WAY too lazy to deal with an outside relationship.  While that places me outside the marketing demographic for this type of business, it maps my progress through the demographic.  What that experience has taught me is…Damn!  I don’t care how many channels you have, take the time to stop at the grocery store, for God’s sake!

I know what you are saying, and my advice to you is, keep it to a whisper or your boss will know you’re sitting in that meeting but not paying attention!  Anyway, your stand is that, aside from being old and not knowing anything, I am not familiar with the hectic urban lifestyle.  I don’t know anything about life in the stressful business world of today and I probably ride my pony right by the corner mercantile on my way home from my job at the Scrooge & Marley Counting House.  (Don’t laugh; many people have a view of the “hinterlands” that is not much different from that.)

First of all, that was a different guy and, according to Dickens, he didn’t have a pony.  Secondly, every one of my friends and acquaintances from the city tell me how wonderful it is to be able to get whatever you want any time of the day on any corner – unless you live in the suburbs, and that’s not my fault – and you’re telling me you can’t take the time to go to the store!  I get that the lines are a bit longer, but you could maybe buy enough for a few days or a week.  If not, maybe you could invest in one of those ice-box-refrigerator-things.

All kidding aside (no, not really), there are a growing number of businesses nationally advertising their complete meal delivery service…without the cooking part included.  This business plan is predicated on the assumption that you, the consumer, are a lazy…um…person.  Oh, sure.  They don’t SAY that!  They tell you how easy it is.  How much time it saves.  How it allows you to try so many different types of cuisine or how it helps you learn to cook better.

Okay, you want to learn to be a better cook?  Do you have the internet?  Of course you do; you were going to order dinner there.  Well, punch in the word “recipe”.  You don’t even have to spell it correctly.  What did you find?  LOT’S of stuff, right?  You want vegetarian recipe’s?  Type that in.  Are you interested in gluten-free meals?  If you don’t have celiac’s desease, quit looking for problems where there aren’t any…but go ahead and put that in there.

What did you find?  You found that you don’t know where to begin because there are so many, THAT’S what you found!  You want to learn to cook better, grab one of these recipe’s.  Not sure about your skill in reading that complicated kitchen code?  Look for recipe’s for the beginning cook.  As far as having the right product, no matter which one you choose, they always start with a list of required ingredients.  Amazing, right?

If you still feel the need to order something, get online and order an archaic tomb called a “cookbook.”  Your mother might have one, but she’s probably still using it because, let’s face it, some of us “older people” aren’t so handy with technology…but at least we know how to cook in a non-pretentious way.

Here’s an idea.  Go to one of those meal delivery websites and set up a once or twice a week delivery. Go ahead; I’ll wait.

Done?  Okay, now two other nights a week I want you to pick an interesting recipe’ and do it yourself.  That’s right, have a friendly competition with those fine entrepreneurs at whichever delivery service you choose.  I think you will be pleasantly surprised at your ability and at your available time.  No, you won’t have any more time than you did before, but you will likely find you won’t have any less, either.  In addition, you will have saved a few bucks and find a new skill.

Still think you’re just too busy?  I suggest you follow this plan until you’re comfortable with cooking…  And then start your OWN meal delivery business, build it into a thriving brand and sell it.  Then you’ll have time and money to have your meals delivered with a chef.

          At one time, outdoor sports were essential – or rather, some of what are now considered sports were once essential – or maybe it was essential to play a sport…  Anyway, some of the things we do today as sports or for enjoyment were necessary parts of everyday life in the past.  As an example, it was, for some cultures, a part of life to hunt for food.  Hunting, with rifle or bow and arrow or even a spear, was a job; a way to survive, to pay off your credit card or make next months utility payment.  Many a person who today would be an avid hunter found it difficult to get out of the recliner, grab the old spear and head for the woods for a day of wooly mammoth hunting.  Today things have changed.  Today it’s illegal to hunt wooly mammoths because, if they were not extinct, they would likely be on the endangered species list due to our encroachment upon their habitat, thereby handicapping large numbers of them by breaking their ankles while smashing our Prius’s into them at high speeds as they try to cross our nation’s highways.

          Many more of our outdoor leisure activities were anything but leisurely.  Fishing was much the same as hunting since food was a necessity.  People couldn’t go to the marketplace to buy fresh fish.  This was largely because there was no refrigeration and after a couple of hours in the hot sun you no longer had fresh fish, not to mention you couldn’t even get close to the place because of the smell.  Work or not, it was definitely preferable to catch your own fish.

          Camping, too, was not considered camping as much as it was considered, well, just living.  While a dank (writers’ digression:  I love this word, which I believe to be a combination of the words damp and rank…maybe some dark in there, too.  It’s not pleasant, but it certainly is descriptive, don’t you think?)  cave or an elaborate lean-to would have made a wonderful home for the average Cro-Magnon, it is somewhat below today’s’ real-estate expectations…unless, of course, it has a view.

          One of the more recent developments in the history of mankind, and the subject of today’s essay, is the art of horseback riding.  This pastime is pursued by people all over the world.  A very few, mostly in Montana and west Texas, still ride horseback to make their jobs easier.

          Some people use horseback riding as a competition in the form of horse racing.  This sport began thousands of years ago.  I believe it was initiated by an early French tribe called the “Jacquies”, a people very small in stature.  They lived on a little island in the river Seine and raised very large horses.  For sport, they would challenge to run their horses against each other (the horses, that is), and then race around the island on the beach.  Passers-by on the shores of the river would bet dried fish or cheese or even goats while drinking wine and mead and viewing the festivities.  While we have traded the island beach for a horse track, this sport has remained the same to this day…except today they can bet fresh fish.

          One group of thrill-seeking, extreme riders has made another equestrian profession popular.  We call this “rodeo”, which I believe is Spanish for “uninsurable”.  Again, many aspects of rodeo riding were necessary skills at one time.  With the possible exception of the over-talkative, western-babbling rodeo announcer, this sport is the same event it was over 100 years ago.  Also, rodeo, perhaps because it was invented prior to the advent of modern governmental interference, is the only bone-breaking, joint-dislocating, brain-damaging sport which requires no pads, harnesses, helmets or safety wear of any kind.  This may have something to do with the technical difficulty of molding a protective, shock absorbing helmet in the shape of a cowboy hat.

          Most horseback riders take up the hobby to take their minds off of everyday stress, to return to a time when life was much easier – when that ten minute drive to work was an hour walk.  When that computer filing system was a quill and ink well and stacks and stacks of parchment.  When the damn workday was sunup to sunset.  When…  Well, anyway, people no longer need to ride horses for transportation.  The need for faster conveyance of people and freight has made the use of the horse obsolete.  Convenience was also a factor since an automobile or truck may be parked in hot sun or freezing sleet and it doesn’t need to be brushed out and fed after use.  Air conditioning and heat options didn’t hurt the shift to mechanical transportation, either.

          Horseback riding as a leisure activity may bring to mind a western trail ride, an English fox hunt or some other equestrian event.  To the untrained seat like mine, these sound much the same…like getting on, bouncing around and falling off.  There are, however, many different aspects of riding to learn and master.

          One of the first things to learn, once you have horse identification down, is the tack.  English tack would be similar to:

“Excuse me, sir.  I believe you are progressing quite nicely, though you will surely benefit from a few more lessons and a bit more practice.”

          Western tack is somewhat different, as:

“Hell, greenhorn, if you cain’t quit fallin’ off the horse, you ain’t gonna be able to ride the range with the other cow-doggies.”

          Actually, I guess that would be tact, not tack.  But as you can see, the western style requires much less tact than does the English.

          Knowing the gear necessary is also important.  THIS is what is known as tack.  There are, as previously alluded to, two main styles of riding, each having its respective tack (read:  “gear”)…English and western.  Most tack is common to both schools; as with the saddle it is, in most cases, only the form that differs.

The flat saddle is used in the English style of, uh, equestrianistic endeavor (read:  “horseback riding”).  This saddle gets its name because it’s…well, flat, mostly.  It has virtually no cantle (read:  “back rest”) and no pommel (read:…um “dashboard”).  Riding with this type of saddle is much like sitting on the hood of a highly polished ’76 Chrysler.  Any change in velocity can cause what is known as the “slingshot effect”.  This can indirectly cause injury due to what is known as the “landing effect”.

          The western saddle, on the other hand, is heavier and built more for utility.  It has a higher cantle, a higher pommel, usually with a horn, and rings with rawhide thongs in order to fasten equipment to the saddle – a first aid kit is a good start.  The riding position in the western seat is much more upright than the English, placing the rider in a near standing position.  This position can often make it easier for the novice rider to retain balance.  It also aids in controlling the slingshot effect, which can be devastating in a saddle with a high pommel and horn, particularly for the male rider.

          Whatever the advantages of either saddle, balance, not gear, is what keeps the rider on the horses’ back.  While some people are more “balanced” than others, stability on horseback can only be learned by repeated practice and occasional negative feedback (falling off).

          “Operating” the horse is executed by both natural and artificial aids.  Natural aids include the riders voice.  A well trained horse can know much of what the rider wants by his voice commands.  I should mention that, to the horses in my experience, the statement “EEYAAAAAAAH!”, has the same basic meaning as “There’s an extra fifty in it if you get me to the airport in ten minutes.””  

          Other natural aids to riding can be the use of the reins, the pressure of the heels and legs and the distribution of the riders weight …or the sudden lack thereof.  Most of these aids are especially helpful when riding bareback.  I suggest, however, that when you ride bareback you should use a quality sunblock since repeated, prolonged skin exposure to sunlight can cause some type of ozone damage or something.

          Aids which fall into the artificial category include whips, spurs and riding crops.  My favorite artificial aid is the lead shank.  When the rope of the lead shank is held by an experienced wrangler, my control of the mount can be achieved with relative ignorance.

          We have covered enough material in our discussion of horseback riding to only touch the tip of the pommel horn, so to speak.  This does, however, give you an idea of how complex riding is.  The skills required certainly place this activity in the realm of sports rather than a mere pastime.  Besides, it’s much more gratifying to the ego to explain how you dislocated your shoulder during an actual sport rather than a simple leisure activity.

          Happy trails.

          I drive and old Jeep.  Not one of your CJ models which are fun and practical (in a Jim Bowie sense of practical).  No, I drive an old two-door, mono-color, manual transmission, 1977 AMC Jeep Cherokee – came from the factory with rust already impregnated into key points of the body structure.  You know the ads they have with the price in large numbers, then at the bottom in small print it says, “base sticker price”?  That’s the Jeep I have.

          Oh, I have a few extras such as carpeting, which came out of someone’s’ bathroom, and a cassette player and speakers I bought at Big Al’s Hi-Tech Electronics Emporium and Tackle & Bait Shop.  The Jeep itself uses more than its share of gas, it smells like oil and looks like…well, dirt, mostly.  On the positive side, however, I don’t have to park it at the edge of the parking lot to keep it from getting dinged up and I only have to wash it once a year in the spring.  That’s only because of those nice spring days when you lose all sense of reality and become over-zealous due to the increase in average temperature.  This is a real psychological disease known as Vernal Thermal Psychotic Syndrome…maybe.

          Anyway, my modifications are nothing compared to the changes made by a few power-crazed individuals who overbuild their poor, unsuspecting vehicles with beefed up suspensions and BIG tires.  This is caused by a testosterone-induced disease known as…Male Major Modification Malady, maybe.  It’s not uncommon to see sufferers of this disease driving down main street with a 1963 Chevy C-20 pick-up refitted with a high output 454 aluminum big block engine, Kenworth running gear, custom John Deere magnesium wheels and high speed radial tires with the optional highway tread.  All, of course, in four-wheel drive.  My brother has one of these vehicles, or at least it aspires to be one someday.  His tires can still be purchased as large truck tires rather than space shuttle landing gear.

          These vehicles are quite useful in the salvage business:

“Bob, I need a rear passenger door panel clip from that Studebaker over there behind those Fords.”

                     “No problem, Art.”

                     “Roar, Crash, Smash, Squash.”

For general driving needs, however, these vehicles are far from practical.  As a hunting vehicle they offer up several difficulties due to, uh…girth.  By the time you take one of these pick-ups, add on some oversized, heavy underpinnings, larger drums, bigger wheels and extra large jumbo tires, the truck is visible on low-level radar.  Now, a tall structure with a minimal foundation has a predominant tendency to tip easily (see “Suzuki Samurai”).  To prevent this, the wheels, if they’re not already out there due to necessary structural tolerances, need to be pushed outward a bit…say, two feet on each side.  A vehicle this wide is prone to take out fences whether the gate is open or not – a practice not conducive to good hunter/landowner relations.  If you feel you need not worry about this since you hunt largely on government land, I must warn you that neither the state nor the U.S. Forest Service appreciate the removal of trees for the purpose of widening the right-of-way.  Also, although I don’t personally know too many, I would have to guess that most logging truck drivers, should they come across a pick-up truck on steroids blocking the road by its excessive width, would probably view it as a future hood ornament.

Off road recreation is also very limited, aside from, say, climbing the boulder field at the base of Mt. Rushmore (a recreational activity not condoned by the National Park Service).  Winter recreation is definitely not a good choice.  On snow or ice, the large surface area of the tires coupled with the relatively low body weight of the truck use the laws of physics to create something akin to a motorized toboggan…only with less directional control.

Aquatic recreation may be possible, but is not advised.  My brother tells me of a friend of his with a full-blown mini-truck in this modified class who surmised, through scientific calculation, intense investigation and WTH experimentation that the floatation value of the super-oversized tires would hold his hybrid Mazda afloat in the water.  (WTH experimentation occurs when one looks objectively at all available evidence against the given theory, says “ah, what the Hell!”, and does it anyway.)  I understand the whole thing worked until he climbed back in the box to toss out a fishing line.  Undirected, the vehicle hit the fender of a submerged, over-built Ford F-100 and split open a tire, sinking the whole thing to the bottom of Lake Oahe.

Just driving on the road presents problems, mostly due to wind resistance.  The drag coefficient of these vehicles places them in the same category as a 1976 16×72 Centennial mobile home.  Highway speeds are difficult to maintain for long periods of time because of excess fuel consumption.  A truck of this type covers so much frontal area that you could push fresh air from the Midwest to New York without losing it all.  While this may seem like a positive step for some highly air-polluted cities, a tanker, or even really big balloons, would be much more efficient.

When driving these chariots of extremism in town you need to watch continuously for cats, dogs, subcompact cars and any people under 5’11”.  Tickets are common for taking upwards of three parking places.  Game, Fish and Parks will often require two park entrance stickers and you’ll probably have to camp in the group campsite during peak tourist season.

As you can see, there are few, if any, positive aspects to owning a vehicle like this…except having a bigger, more powerful truck than your neighbor.  I can’t see the benefit to it.  My Jeep may not be the most aesthetically pleasing, fuel efficient, tree climbingest vehicle in town, but it’s paid for it’s definitely good enough for basic transportation…  Although I did get a great deal on an escalator from the Woolworth’s’ auction sale and it might just fit under the door…

Ya’ know, if I jacked this thing way up in the air and put some really big tires on it…!  Aah, WTH!