I would like to take this opportunity to wish you a happy Thanksgiving – the hunters’ holiday.

Why, you ask, do I refer to Thanksgiving as the hunters’ holiday?  Elementary, my dear Watsonian-type person!  None of the other holidays apply, except maybe the opening day of pheasant season, but that’s only a holiday on the state level…I think.

Allow me to explain.  The pilgrims who came to this land were used to hardships.  Most of them were able to do many things because at that time it was necessary to have myriad abilities in order to survive.  They were not able to run to the yellow pages to get the goods and services they required.  After all, there were no phones then so the only thing the yellow pages were good for was as booster chairs for little kids.

These people were their own grocers and butchers, tailors and blacksmiths; corporate lawyers and nuclear physicists, investment bankers and…well, you get the idea.  The needs they had they filled on their own or went without.  Obviously, when they got to this new land, they didn’t run right over to the store to pick up some fresh produce, a nice roast and a video to watch after dinner.  NO!  They bought Manhattan for a box of odds and ends worth $24.00[1], but they couldn’t get anything to eat there for another 6 or 7 years so that didn’t help them much.  And they didn’t run out and start harvesting those amber waves of grain, either, because before they got here no one had planted any amber wave grain, which I believe came much later – from Russia…I think.

What they did do when they got to this new land was run out and start Christmas shopping.  After all, it was already the middle of December before they even got off the Mayflower.  They had to unpack from the move, find the Christmas lights and the wrapping paper and those plastic yard Santas they had stored away.  It was a busy time.  But then, we’re not talking about Christmas yet.  We’re talking about Thanksgiving and whatever we can tie in with it.

Now, these English people from the Netherlands (it’s a long story) were ill prepared for the conditions that awaited them at Plymouth.  This was, in part, due to the limited supplies they were carrying.  It also had a great deal to do with the fact that they were supposed to land somewhere in Virginia where the weather is a bit more hospitable than it is in Massachusetts.  One reason for this error was the maps they were supplied with at the time.  If you look at a map of New England, you’ll see all sorts of roads running to the coast from the west, but very few, if any, from the east.  You can’t blame them for being off course a bit.  Besides, there was no one standing on the shore looking out to sea, saying:

“I’m getting worried, Tonto.  They should have been here by now.”

The point I was trying to pin down here is that there were no crops to harvest when the Mayflower landed and no native plantlife to use for food in December.  Their survival depended on their ability to hunt.  This ability probably wasn’t all that great since about half of them didn’t make it through the unusually mild New England winter.  The reasons for the somewhat high mortality rate at the time, however, may have been something besides the hunting skills of the colonists.  Actual dangers such as disease, exposure to the elements or improperly prepared Japanese blowfish, for example.  The optimistic view would be that the hunters of the group kept the other half of the people alive through the winter and until they saw a return on their crops.

Of course, Thanksgiving could really be the farmers holiday because the harvest was fairly good the following year – actually, percentage-wise, it was a lot better than the previous year, since there wasn’t actually a harvest the year before because they weren’t even THERE yet.  This is where the government agricultural statistics began the reputation for unfailing exactness:

“The harvest looks to be a bit better this year.”

“Well, when we got here last winter we picked three frozen strawberries that the birds hadn’t gotten, an ear of corn and some pine bark.  That gives us an increase over last year of 43,479,000 percent.”

“Yep, a little better.”

It could, however. Be argued that Thanksgiving is the fisherman’s holiday.  One of the reasons for the success of the harvest was the method of planting corn, taught to the pilgrims by the Native Americans.  This entailed dropping a fish into the ground with the seeds when planting.  The nutrients from the breakdown of the fish served as fertilizer and thereby greatly increased the growth of the plants.  Unfortunately, this must be the method still used today for growing zucchini, which is why anybody with a garden and one zucchini plant is always trying to get rid of the stuff by doing things like giving it to strangers on the street or making up wonderful, innovative recipe’s such as zucchini cake or zucchini ice cream or zucchini chocolate topping…

Then again, Thanksgiving could actually be the Native Americans’ holiday since they were there to help the pilgrims survive the new wilderness.  As a matter of fact, the two Indians who primarily helped the early colonists had once been held captive by English-speaking people, which is why they knew a little of the language in the first place…and they STILL helped them.  Obviously they hadn’t been around much and didn’t see what was coming.

Come the think of it, Native Americans may not really want to be reminded that this holiday is in large part due to them.  I know I wouldn’t.

Today, the holiday we celebrate on the fourth Thursday of the month – or the third Thursday after the fourth Wednesday – or the last Thurs…  Anyway, we celebrate the holiday, which was decreed on November 26, 1789 by President George Washington.  It’s easy to see that this was early in our nations’ history or the holiday would be held on a Monday.

The very first Thanksgiving, however, was declared by William Bradford, the governor of the Plymouth colony, in the fall of 1621.  He felt it would be good for morale and increase production values.  Oh, sure!  He said it was a time set aside to give thanks for their survival and the gathering of the bountiful harvest, but he knew the result he was looking for because every night, after everyone else had gone to bed, he would sit in his cabin and listen to motivational tapes by candlelight…I think.

Anyway, the rest of the settlers were thankful for their survival and all they had been given before winter set in again.  So they set aside three days (Yes, three whole days.  Those ancestor-folk took everything very seriously.)  and invited the neighboring Native Americans to a first-class, early American celebration.  They had the traditional pumpkin pies, corn and other dishes made from native plants, which the Indians had taught them to grow.

In truth, Thanksgiving was and is a holiday for everyone of all faiths and beliefs.  A time to gather together friends and relatives and let them know you are thankful both for them and for what you have.

But you know, the main course served at that first Thanksgiving was wild turkey and venison.  I think that gives the hunters just a little bit of an edge.

Happy Thanksgiving.

[1] At this point I would like to alert you to the fact that this is not actually the group of pilgrims who bought the island of Manhattan from the Native Americans who were there at the time.  I inserted this part for artistic license.  I an allowed to do this because I carry a Federal artistic license from the Bureau of Literary Questionability;  lic. # 6Q4R2D2!@B, Class 3C

            This is a good time to talk about waterfowl hunting.  That’s because it’s waterfowl season.  If you talk about these things during a special spring turkey season, nobody pays any attention.

            I could start off by telling you that waterfowl hunters are some of the most dedicated of all hunters.  They are also some of the most wet, cold, messy, well equipped, cold, warmly dressed and…still cold, did I mention that?  Of course that part depends in large part on the technique used to hunt waterfowl.  Let’s take an overview look at these sportsmen.

            Just like any hunting sport there are many of these hunters who use the modern, technological approach to goose hunting:  They drive around until they see something to shoot at.  Now, before we get too judgmental with these particular hunters, I should point out that most of us, at one time or another, while on our way to our favorite hunting slough, er, spot, have seen game which has caused us to stand on the brakes and leap from the vehicle with such haste that we miss park and accidentally engage reverse as we run off after what looks like a twenty pound Canada goose, thereby allowing the truck to idle backward off the road, down the ditch, through the fence and into the mud hole on the other side while we collect our trophy… Which turns out to be some other hunters’ expensive, amazingly lifelike decoy – which we are more than happy to trade back to him for a pull out of the mud.  But then, I’m guessing this has probably happened to you, too.

            Most ethical hunters, or at least those who are still making payments on their pickups, use some other approach to waterfowl hunting, such as a blind.  While this may sound like a lethal combination of a large bore scattergun and a complete lack of sight, it’s not really that dangerous.  The blind is nothing more than a stand or pit camouflaged by plant life and foliage common to the area.  The idea is that this type of cover the hunters are hidden from the sight of the birds flying overhead.  That’s the theory, of course, though it doesn’t explain why geese will fly at eye level across the latitudinal length of Nebraska, but lift to 18,000 feet over established blinds.  You can imagine an early, damp, blustery morning sitting in a frosty hole in the ground with a thermos of hot coffee and a chilled 12 gauge pump, concealed from everything but the icy wind and most airborne waterfowl.

            A number of hunters in swampy, marshy areas make use of a floating blind in the form of a flatboat which can be adorned with native aquatic plants so it looks like the surrounding reeds… except it moves and there are guys with coveralls and shotguns growing out of the middle of it.  This is another excellent method of hunting until you have to brace yourself in a small boat in order to fire a low gauge magnum.  It’s quite easy to lose your balance in this situation.  That’s where the cold and wet part comes into this technique.

            The style used most often by hunters who don’t want to just sit and wait; those who feel the need to be more active, who have the desire to take a more physical part in the hunt or, as they’re more commonly referred to, young fools, is the stealth approach method.  This consists of taking 53 minutes to crawl cautiously, infantry-like through the muck until 47 yards away from the point you’re trying to reach.  At this point, the birds will sense your closure, probably from the raspy, ragged breathing and take flight in the direction opposite your position.  Who even cares if this style is cold and wet?  Most of us just aren’t doin’ it!

            Now, I have mentioned the need for some specific items required for hunting waterfowl.  Easily the first among these requirements – and very few of you hunters with similar status would disagree – is permission from your spouse.  This is necessary to make the total experience a more pleasant one, if you know what I mean.  Written permission isn’t needed, though depending on your situation it may come in handy later on.

            The first actual hardware requirement is, naturally, a shotgun.  The 410 gauge, which works well for rabbits, squirrels and scaring birds away from your strawberries, should be left at home.  Also the 20 gauge which, while light enough to schlep around after partridge, grouse or even pheasant, probably won’t pack enough pellets or power to be effective against a high flying, densely muscled goose.  What you really need is at least a 12 gauge, preferably in a magnum.  Another option gaining popularity is the recently resurrected 10 gauge magnum which is increasingly accepted among those hunters who hunt from established blinds which, as I mentioned, prompt geese to fly at extreme altitudes.  This is because while geese are not highly intelligent, they are able, by instinct developed over millions of years, to draw rudimentary maps on the soft floors of shallow wetland areas and show their young the areas they need to avoid.  This is why you see them with their heads under water for long lengths of time…maybe.  Anyway, the 10 gauge packs a couple more pellets and a fair amount more power to help attain a bit of additional range.  This allows the sportsman to increase the misjudgment of the maximum range so he can waste more rounds when the geese are even further away.  An extreme option is an army surplus 105mm Howitzer with altitude sensitive exploding shells… but you still need to use steel shot and a plug for use in waterfowl season.

            A select type of hunter will use decoys.  These are available in many useful and effective variations, both in floating decoys and those designed for use in the open field.  Naturally, because people don’t shake their heads at obsessed hunters enough the way it is, these tools are available in some strange and downright laughable forms.  You can purchase very, very large goose decoys with bodies 3 or 4 feet or more in length.  The initiating idea here is that geese have no sense of proportion so they’re not going to notice that those geese down there with the high impact plastic sheen are three times larger than the rest of the guys in the gaggle (this is a translation from the original goose word meaning “Fraternal order of…”).  These ridiculously large decoys are extremely helpful when your lead goose at the time is near-sighted.  Also, should you have no established blind at hand in which to hide yourself and your howitzer and no tree line or brush to cover your presence, you can acquire a goose decoy engineered for you to hide in.  That’s right, a playhouse for waterfowl hunters; a goose fort complete with peep holes and a quick pop-top so you can get out and bag your prey before they have a chance to realize that this is the mother of all geese, Moby Goose, King Canada, the big… well, you have to be quick before they realize that if this goose wants this field then maybe they should just leave her to it and head to the next one.  Geese have no sense of proportion, but that doesn’t mean they’re stupid!

            Another accessible decoy which has the advantage of being simple to transport and deploy is what I call the “yard sign” type.  This decoy is presented in a waterproof photo quality print on a solid backing complete with a stake or two to anchor them in the ground.  They stack flat and go up fast.  The problem is, from where the hunter is standing they look like geese, but from the air, which is where a large percentage of geese fly, they look like flat boards with something on them.  They have been known to work, but mostly with developmentally impaired waterfowl or those with an acute sense of curiosity.  These decoys do look good, though, and are available in full color for an additional charge.  It should be noted, however, that snow geese are white and Canada geese are shades of grey and if that doesn’t keep you from spending the extra money, keep in mind that geese are color blind.

            The last important part of the gear package is the insulated coverall.  Proper waterfowl coveralls should be water repellant and insulated with a layering of waterproof down and feathers positioned in a common orientation…  Wait, these are coveralls the geese wear.  Your coveralls should be made of synthetics which supply water resistance and retain their isulative qualities when wet.  A few more of those double cheeseburgers and fries will offer additional insulation, but it’s easier to carry the coveralls.  In addition, it seems your coveralls need to be purchased in some registered camouflage pattern.  Before you go off to purchase the perfect color and pattern of expensive coveralls, you should know that they don’t really have a “real reed” or “corn stubble” pattern so you can hide effectively in a slough or furrow somewhere.  The color of your coveralls probably makes no difference as long as they’re warm, but many of you do want to be fashionable in the field

            Now, if you really wanted camouflage goose hunting coveralls, you would set up your decoys and sit in the midst of them wearing coveralls with geese all over them.  Sure they look like ‘jammies with feet, but come on, if a goose the size of a Buick will work, so will these!

I am coming to you today, and every day for that matter, via the amazing, magical, time saving world of electronics.  Let’s face it – no, you have to turn this way – it’s utterly fascinating what we can do thanks to something which, 50 years ago, was totally unheard of.  No, I don’t mean electronics itself.  Electronics, as the science of the movement and subsequent use of electricity, was initiated by Thomas Edison, who used it to power light bulbs or Benjamin Franklin, who used it to curl hair or God Himself, who used it to strike people down as early as the Old Testament.

Anyway, what I’m talking about is the level of technology we have today in the field of electronics.  Fifty years ago an electronic calculator was a nearly mystical piece of equipment about 1/2 the size of a typewriter and drawing enough current through a wall socket to operate 2 or 3 modern major kitchen appliances.  The machine could add, subtract, multiply and divide and print the answer on a little stone tablet (HA!  Just kidding.  Actually, it printed on a parchment scroll) – all for about 80 bucks.  Today a calculator, if you prefer not to use the one that’s part of your cell phone operating system, will fit in your wallet and operate on the excess light you’re not using at the time, running on less current than it takes to operate the average brain cell.  It will add, subtract, multiply, divide, figure square roots and further perform all sorts of numbery things you don’t even have a clue as to the purpose of – all for about $4.99.  Or, as a free gift with the purchase of a large soft drink.

The difference in cost stems mostly from the variation between the words “electric” and “electronic”.  “HA,” you say to yourself, because you are, after all, sitting by yourself or you wouldn’t be reduced to reading this article.  “How can a simple adjustment in spelling change the price of an item?”  Well, from THAT point of view, would you rather write a check to your IRA or one to the IRS, huh?  Big change, right?  But that’s not the point.  As an actual example I could, fifty years ago, have written this on an IBM Selectric typewriter, at the time a newfangled modern office implement, at a cost in inflation adjusted dollars, about what a BMW 3-series would cost you today.  This unit was electric by the fact that it had an electric servo-motor which lent power assistance to all the moving parts:  the keys, the hammers, the carriage, the paper, the ink, etc.  This relieved stress on the fingers, wrists and forearms after a long day spent typing and it also increased the speed at which a person could type.  In addition, it would correc… no, it would check the sp… well, typing is pretty much all it would do, basically.

Today we use computers for these functions – or word processors, which are small computers built for one function:  to generate documents.  As you may have suspected, the government has roughly 92.37% of all word processors in existence today, as evidenced by the number of “official” documents generated daily.  Actually, the newest wing of the capitol building houses no offices at all, but is a huge word processor spewing out documents for the legislative branch as fast as the paper can be loaded.  The military has their own word processors, which occupy the first and second sub-levels of the Chrysler building, er, Pentagon.  These documents are destroyed as soon as they’re printed, for purposes of secrecy.

Now, my computer is old.  As a matter of fact, by industry standards, my computer is archaic.  I believe it was manufactured by the Mesopotamian Electronics and Pyramid Co., LLC and required a specialized operating system to utilize English instead of hieroglyphics.  Still, it is electronic in nature, sending, at the touch of a key, an electronic signal from the keyboard into a little electronic file cabinet in the computer.  When you recall this information, the electronic signals run from the little file out to the printer which places that information on paper with very few moving parts – kinda’ like a state highway crew.

“Of course,” you say, “but just how do you adjust dollars for fifty years of inflation?”

Well, the easiest way to do this is to have a “program” for such calculations loaded in your computer.  This program is simply a list of instructions, electronic of course, which tell the machine what steps to take to figure out the answer to a specific problem, such as “which came first, the bacon or the egg?”  Are these instructions in there, stored in some electronic language written in electrons?  Yes, sort of.  This operating memory is stored on “microchips” in tiny, bitty switches.  The language of the computer is binary, which basically means the alphabet of the computer consists of zeros (0) and ones (1).  If you were to open your computer and use a really, really, really, REALLY big microscope, you would see the memory right there on the chip in 1’s and 0’s:

“_{10101000000011111101010001001111111010100000111110100100101010100100111010000001111110100100011101011101010110001110101011101000000001111110101010101101001001001111111010010010010100001000100100010001000100101000100010010100010010100000000111111111110100100101000010001000000000000111101001000100010010100010100000000111111010010011111101010100011111111100101000101000100100001001001000100101000010010010010100100100100001001111010101000100100010001001001001001001000100100010000010111111101010001001000100100010010101000101010010101001″}

which, as everyone knows, is the typing exercise “the quick red fox jumped over the lazy brown dog.”  Actually, that’s not true.  If you were to open your computer, like most of the rest of us who are, largely, mechanical morons, you would probably just drop your screwdriver into the main processor, arcing to the primary power supply and fry the whole unit.  I would suggest you take my word for it.

Naturally, each word in a two letter alphabet is quite long and requires a great deal of memory.  However, since the computer “thinks” at the speed of electricity flow it can zip through these long statements faster than the human mind can decide between regular and decaffeinated.  Also, because the computer is not distracted by outside noise, kids, hunger, drowsiness, stress, cute guys or large breasted brunettes it doesn’t have to go back to read that last paragraph over again and again.

And it can go through long strings of comparisons with an efficiency about 18 gazillion times greater than humans.

Obviously this is an over-simplification, but it gives you an idea of how the computerization and miniaturization of electronics operates.  It is based on the near-light-speed flow of electrons, the conductivity of silicon chips and the ability of manufacturing to reproduce these fascinating items quickly and inexpensively…  Essentially, it has something to do with magic.

From this point in the technology we can see it was only a short step to apply these principles to other, more advanced applications.  Today we have computer systems in automobiles constantly monitoring and adjusting key systems.  Televisions have small processors to check and maintain the picture quality on your screen.  Even exercise equipment is computerized so you can tell how many more hours you have to spend putting your knees behind your ears before you lose those extra pounds and look like the actor hired to portray the real person who lost 87 pounds in 7 weeks and won some handsome person contest and married another rich handsome person and made the person on whom they had a crush, but who ignored them for years, live to regret their mistake (satisfaction guaranteed provided you exercise with the device regularly and follow the enclosed diet plan, these results not typical).

Even the cell phone you carry every day is a technological electronic marvel which makes phone calls, sends texts, updates social media, holds your calendar, notes, music, videos and still has more processing power left than my old computer ALL in a small, hand-held package which would actually be useful except the typing keys are too small to actually use.