“Where do you want to eat?”

“I don’t care…  Where do you want to eat?”

“Anywhere you want to go is okay with me.”

“No, really!  Anywhere you want is fine.  What do you feel like having?”

“I don’t CARE!  You know I’m not that picky!”

“Well…okay.  How about Bob’s Brat Barn?”

“Nah, I really don’t feel like that tonight.”

I’m not even going to waste time or column space asking you if this sounds familiar.  Of course, in simply taking the time to tell you I wasn’t going to ask you, I actually wasted the time, but these diatribes need to be a certain length, anyway, so that’s not a big deal.  At any rate, if you have ever had any type of relationship in which you engaged in the frequent modern ritual of supporting the food based service industry because you’re too tired to fire up the old microwave or just don’t want to load the dishwasher yet again, I know you have engaged in this conversation… Probably taking both positions (although hopefully not at the same time).

In order to help ease this type of stress on your particular association, I am here for my first installment of Food Critics Pantry – which must be largely empty or the food critic wouldn’t have to go out to eat at places he found it necessary to complain about.  Still, Food Critics Pantry is the first name that came to my head so we’ll just keep that.  Now, if I were going to write a regular weekly food column, I would call it, maybe, Food Critics Knife.  That way restaurateurs could check each week to see who got “knifed.”  Or possibly Food Critics Fork, so they could check to see who got…  Well, you can draw that one out for yourself, but I’m kind of missing the plate I’m dishing up here, metaphorically speaking, so…

For my first approach I decided to critique somewhere you can go for a good meal at a good price.  An everyday kind of place or maybe a nice spot for a casual night on the town.  The main and primary requirement, good food. Using this as my starting point, I studied contemporary folk wisdom and conducted a widespread poll, which was then subjected to an intense statistical analysis (degree of accuracy:  + or – 97%), and determined the perfect place to begin:

the great American truck stop!

Well, think about it.  You always hear how the food at truck stops is really good and the prices are reasonable and the people are just, ya’ know, regular folks  and…  Well, I always heard that.  Maybe it was bad movies from the 60’s or country music or the crowd I hang with, though my presence does not normally generate anything resembling a crowd.  Since I was out on the road researching anyway, I felt it was a good place to start – or stop, as it were.

The first point I need to give to truck stops:  they normally seem to have a good cup of coffee.  I found this early on in my research.  You stop for fuel and maybe have a salad or a piece of pie and a cup of coffee…  usually 2 cups or maybe 3 because,  as regular, non-flavored, un-flame toasted, not grill roasted, mountain grown coffee goes, theirs is pretty good.

This seems as innocent as a walk in the park on a sunny day…with your significant other…on their lunch break.  When their spouse is out of town.  Okay, no!  It’s as innocent as a little child’s smile…as he stands looking up at you.  Holding stolen cookies behind his back.  Alright, let’s just say it seems really innocent and leave it at that.  Under the surface, however, this is as nefarious as running commercials for expensive toys during Saturday morning cartoon shows just before Christmas!  What happens?  You pay for your pie and 4 cups of coffee, hop in your vehicle and re-enter the nations traffic veins; refreshed, alert and ready to go.  An hour later you develop a problem you were trying to ignore:  Those 5 cups of coffee you enjoyed kept you alert while driving and are now keeping you alert while frantically searching for a rest area, gas station or another truck stop.  So while they get a point for good coffee, I have to take it back because of the underhanded way they use it to promote business by forcing you to stop at the next truck stop.

Upon entering the average truck stop, your attention is taken by the surroundings, the layout, the ambiance… The feeling you get from the combination of decor, smells, sounds and the people around you.  Naturally, the decorating in these businesses differs from one to another but they normally have an underlying down-home theme and are either decorated in an early American country motif or furnished with stuff the found in the American countryside.  The general effect is that of sitting in your Aunt’s kitchen – provided your Aunt isn’t too particular.  The result they’re looking for is a surrounding which will make most people feel comfortable and relaxed.  This is an excellent approach, since people enjoy dining in a familiar and calming atmosphere which allows them to relax and enjoy the taste of the food as well as assisting in digestion.  Since this is, in America, a widely accepted setting, it will draw more customers from a wider socioeconomic base (this is modern business jargon meaning “people who have different amounts of money”).  While this is definitely a positive thing for the cash register, it sometimes affects the atmosphere of the restaurant.  At one of the locations I stopped, there was a gentleman… No, he would have to be classified as a “guy”… Who was vocally attempting to clear his throat of some phlegm.  His wife was with him, but was apparently used to this because she largely ignored him.  As they left I noted they were wearing matching jackets with the seal and name of the state of North Dakota embroidered on the back.  I figure these were likely a gift from their hometown chamber of commerce – in Minnesota:

“Here you go, Harvey.  You folks have won these jackets in a random drawing by,

um, the North Dakota tourism department.  You make sure you wear these while your on

vacation now, will ya’?”

Another place I stopped had wonderful food and a decor in western country style, which can be differentiated from eastern or mid-American country style by the wall clock, which is set to mountain time.  As I concentrated on my “country style” biscuits I was bothered by a peripheral clicking sound.  Apparently, the fellow two tables down felt that it was safer to clip his fingernails in his booth rather than on the highway at 65 miles per hour.  While I tended to agree with this argument, I lost my appetite while searching my plate for random free-flying fingernail particles.  In light of these experiences I concluded that in terms of “atmosphere,” these truck stops are not vacuums, meaning they contain air you can breath.

In concluding the overall rating of truck stops in general I must say that every truck stop I frequented, no matter where it was or what time of day, had a large area where you could very easily park many big vehicles.  Aside from that, you’re on your own.

Happy dining.

          It is the American Expanse.  It is the Buffalo Commons.  It is the Great Plains.  It is windy!  Those of you living in the Plains states may have already noticed this.  Oh, the wind doesn’t blow all the time.  On very rare occasions it stops momentarily in order to change directions.  There are a number of reasons for the incessant wind:  the prevailing weather patterns, the central continental location and of course, the fact that there’s not a darn thing out here to stop it, such as hills or trees.  It’s kinda’ like the far straight-away at Indy – the wind comes out of that second turn across the Rockies and it’s open throttle all the was to the Appalachians.

          It’s true the wind is often a nuisance.  For one thing, it’s hard on vehicle mileage because regardless of where you’re going, by some strange corollary of Murphy’s Law, the wind is almost always blowing from the direction in which you are driving.

          Working in high winds is also difficult.  The occasional highway worker you see leaning on a shovel is usually doing so to keep an upright position in the wind.  The standing around part is a formal occupational position required by the contract of the Affiliated Brotherhood of the Union of National Roadworkers Amalgamated, or some such non-labor union.  Still, the shovel is quite helpful.

          Studies also show that high winds cause severe damage to sensitive hair, causing drying and breaking and leading to split ends…  Hey, if the hair-care industry can generate three quarters of a billion dollars in sales a year, I can at least mention it.

          My point is, since the wind is there all the time, in some velocity or another, I propose we make the best of it.  For example, birds, raptors especially, will make use of the wind to simply hang on an updraft, appearing to be frozen in one place in the sky.  Once, when camping near a steep canyon, my buddy, Ed, and I spotted a hawk hanging above the canyon rim for the best part of the day.  When the sun went down and the wind shifted, the thing dropped like a rock.  Apparently the old guy suffered a heart attack or some catastrophic bird stroke while gliding and just stuck there until the wind changed.  I’m sure he wasn’t there for more that a day or two.

          Anyway, rather that complain that the wind caused your golf ball to slice (even though your ball drifts the same way regardless of wind direction), I think we should utilize the wind in sports where it is a vital part of the game.  My thought was to make use of the wind, much as the hawk does.  Obviously, hang gliding is one way people make use of the same winds.  This is a good idea, but those of you who actually live in the plains states may have noticed a predominant lack of elevation usually necessary for this sport.  So…

          How about bicycle hang gliding?  Down a good steep hill into a stiff wind and becoming airborne should be no problem.  There could be distance glides or shortest take-off contests…perhaps even least injury events.  Now I haven’t actually attempted this so I don’t know how hard the landings would be, but I don’t think the injury rate would be any higher than, say, that of chute-less sky-diving.

          Those people into the shooting sports could organize windage shoots.  In this competition, contestants could shoot for accuracy at w-i-d-e targets in a heavy crosswind.  Different competitive groups for different caliber weapons would be necessary.  A 30-30, for example, has a larger cross-section than, say, a .243 and would require more adjustment for windage.  Actually, a 30-30 has a larger cross-section than a giant Maldanian sea bat (league approved) and, without maximum charge, it flies a bit slower as well.

          This type of contest would not be affected much by high-tech sighting equipment such as laser sights.  To understand the reason for this, we must look at the photon, which is either the basic sub-atomic particle which makes up light or one of the secret ingredients in the Kentucky Fried Chicken recipe.  Whichever, this particle is more aerodynamically shaped and thus somewhat less susceptible to wind drift than the metal projectile fired from the firearm.  Because of this, while the laser dot may be on the target, the projectile might strike elsewhere…like Peoria.

          Another possible wind sport would be whitecap fishing tournaments.  This is not really a new idea.  It’s common to see die-hard fishermen, determined not to allow cancellation of their favorite pastime, riding the boat like a saddle bronc, steering wheel in one hand, rod & reel in the other.  An organized endeavor in this sport would require a field or designated fishing boundary of relatively small size.  The size of these boundaries would change in proportion to wind velocity – funnel cloud activity would make the whole lake fair territory.  Whichever team stays within their “field” without being blown out would win.  If there were actually more than one team successful, without anchor, the tie could be broken by actually comparing the fish.

          On second thought, it may not be a good idea to make fishing a territorial sport.  Some fishermen are rather protective of their secret fishing holes the way it is.  If we start setting any type of formal boundaries, we could prompt a spontaneous windage shoot.

          Okay then, how about rock drifting?  This particular sport would require, A) a rock, and B) a tree or tall platform of some type.  Whichever method of vertical support you choose, a uniform height should be used.  This will keep national comparisons consistent.  The same type and weight of rock should also be used.  This is necessary because different minerals have different mass and would this be affected in different degrees by the wind.  Proof of this can be found in one of the laws of physics which states that any action creates an equal and opposite reaction…or maybe E=MC²…or what goes around comes around.  Some such law like that, anyway.

          With a target site directly below the drop platform, a participant would strive for distance from the target center.  Keep in mind that the rock must be dropped, not thrown.  The weight must move from a vertical path by natural means.  The skill in this sport would be the reading of the wind gusts and understanding the gravitational effects.

            Now at this point you may be saying to yourself or your loved ones, ”Where the heck does gravity come in?  I thought we were talking about wind?”  Correct you are and I thank you for paying attention.  However, it occurred to me as I conducted my usual intensive research that gravity, a normally constant force of nature, is subject to an odd variation which may affect this wind sport.

          I have discovered through experimentation and observation that the gravity under any table or support object with which you are working, pulls at an angle directly toward a point on the floor at the center of the table.  This can be empirically tested by dropping a fork, piece of bread, computer screen eraser or whatever, while in the vicinity of the table.  Invariably (which is a scientific word for “almost always”), the object will fall well under the table, even though it never touched anything on the way down.  This will cause you to forcibly smash the back of your head while retrieving the object.  And THAT’S why we’re talking about gravity.