It’s time for celebration!  Time for looking back at the old year and searching ahead to the new one.  Time for planning and hoping and remembering and forgetting.  And if you’re lucky, most of the forgetting you do will be about what you did at the party on New Years Eve.  Why did you do that?  You’re old enough to know better by now!

Yes, celebrate the fact that another cycle in the life of this planet, in which you have a tiny, miniscule, almost worthless, dust-speck sized part, is gone.  So far, 17% of this century is gone (you have to count the zero, 2000, too, ya’know) and you know hardly anything about it.  For instance, do you know what happened on September 31, 2007?  Of course you don’t, because there aren’t 31 days in September.  And even if there were, you wouldn’t know anyway!  And why not!?  Because the people who were involved, no matter what their names were or how much money they pilfered, still had tiny, miniscule, almost worthless, dust-speck sized parts in the overall picture of the planet…and some of them are probably dead, anyway.

To further press my point, let’s take one of those really big group pictures – say,    a satellite photo of North America.  Can you find your Uncle Bob in this picture?  I thought not.  Very little importance there, is there?

On the other hand, perhaps it’s a good indication that the importance you have – and yes, your Uncle Bob, too – is due to the part you have as a portion of the WHOLE.  As a part of your neighborhood, your community, your state, your country and even the world… Even though we couldn’t get everyone into the one satellite photo.  Because of the round planet thing, I mean – not because they were out of town or sick on picture day.

“Sure,” you say, “but what about those famous people in the movies and magazines and the ones who cook on those TV shows?  They’re important, right?”

Well, you’re right in a way.  But we make these people important.  And mostly, we do so because we, too, are tiny, miniscule, almost worthless, dust-speck sized parts of the planet who have no sense whatsoever!  What are these folks going to do for us after a cataclysmic event?  The kind of inevitable thing made obvious in all those overly serious ‘60s apocalyptic thriller movies… you know, Oliver Stone training films.  They could organize roving cooking shows to teach what’s left of humanity how to make easy roast duck with a delectable crispy orange skin.  These would be the traveling minstrels of the day, going from town to town putting on shows for food, much like the guy playing saxophone on the street corner for tips.

“Okay,” inquirest thou.  (Sorry, I needed filler)  “How about the important people we were taught about in those really boring history classes in school?”

Excellent question, though I noticed you didn’t mention any specific examples because you were mostly dozing during history class.  These people were and are actually important in their society, which, as it turns out by extension, is our society.  You will notice, however, as our current society changes, our view of these people changes in turn.  Take Thomas Jefferson, for illustration.  He was one of the founders of the United States of America, author of the Declaration of Independence and a member of Congress, though the latter shouldn’t be held against him.  A great thinker in the betterment of the common man or, more precisely, of man in common.  Today we have heard argument that he deserves no notoriety because he owned slaves.  Granted, now days we understand slavery, by its very nature, to be an evil construct against the liberty of man and mankind itself.  At the time, however, it was a widely held and accepted belief and his work with, and treatment of slaves and slavery was quite progressive within that society.  Still, a portion of current society would have us delete Jefferson’s importance.  Well, if it weren’t for that big rock face thing.

Or what about Vladimir Lenin?  His theory was for ALL people to be equal.  The idea was noble, though the execution (poor choice of words, considering his successor) was poorly done.

We can see by these examples that society can change and cause even truly important people to lose importance.

That’s because we gave them the importance, just the same as we gave importance to Paris Hilton, or any one of the Kardashians or Justin Beiber, for God’s sake!  These are important like a car wreck…  It really has nothing to do with us, but we can’t help staring when we go past.

Truly important people in the world, while also essential in a societal way, are regular people of history and pre-history.  Average Joe and Jane Cro-Magnon or even those poor neighbors from the wrong (as it turns out) side of the tracks, the Neanderthal family, all going about their day to day business of gathering food by farming, hunting or scavenging.  The people who made tools like stone arrowheads, bronze axes or cotton gins – though I, personally, prefer the flavor of gin made with juniper berries.  These people, Eli Whitney notwithstanding, may not have been important by the current definition of the word but they have given us knowledge and understanding.  By going about their daily chores of survival they have left us evidence, usually in some type of container made of some type of clay pottery, I think, of how we have gotten to this really screwed up place where we have nothing to worry about but really unimportant, important people.  These early peoples have given us insight into the former use, or what some in today’s society would call misuse, of this planet of which we are celebrating another cycle.

All in all, it should help you feel much more important.  Even if you were in the wrong hemisphere for the group photo.

Oh, and about those currently important people who have names (not a big deal) or money (nice to have, to be sure), keep in mind that their importance is STILL a tiny, miniscule, almost worthless, dust-speck sized blip in the course of a year on the planet.

And if that doesn’t help, bury a pottery-shielded time capsule that describes their Butt-headedness in great detail!

And have a Happy New Year!

My wife received a letter the other day with the title “MS” leading her name.  This caused me some confusion, since I can’t imagine anything leading my wife.  Also, she has been a Mrs. for many years.

As I spent time considering my initial reaction, with some assistance from my significant other, it occurred to me that this is the new millenium.  Women don’t want to be tagged as some mans’ wife…they want to have their own identity.  It is also true, I was assisted, that if you are writing a professional letter to a woman you do not know, how are you to determine if she is a Miss or a Mrs., huh?  Yes I pointed out, but then why not simply write the name without the title and besides, this particular letter came from a friend and she knows my wife is a Mrs.

Well, obviously this line of inquiry and curiosity was interesting only to me, so I thought perhaps I should research the topic at the library.  Besides, I had a couple of hours to kill since I felt I should stay away from the house for at least that long.

Where did the custom for use of the personal title arise?  What was the reason for it?  Maybe it was an early public relations strategy to soften up the receiver of the letter with a title of their very own:

“Dear Mister Tremaine:

The Hospital of Our Lady of Perpetual Income here in Paris is again conducting our annual medieval fund drive.  A donation from your most honorable, propriotous self would help us buy much needed new equipment such as stainless steel surgical saws and sterilized leeches.

As a most benevolent philanthropist in your own right, please consider helping us with a donation of 5, 10, 15 or more francs.  For your Christian consideration the Bishop has promised to place your name on St. Peters’ e-mail list.

Thankfully yours,

Fr. D’Chane

Hospital Administrator”

Or some such letter consistent with the era, which this one is not because obviously they didn’t have stainless steel in the middle ages.  Further study on my part proved this theory to be incorrect, however, because postal sucking-up is a fairly recent innovation.

I found, however, that the title “mister” is a variation of the root Germanic word meaning “master”.  The original definition of the word meant “tradesman” or “craftsman”.  If this follows, in the vernacular of today’s American youth, a “party-meister” would probably be a professional caterer of some sort…maybe.

As far back as the 13^th century the term “mister” was used as a prefix title of a man “not entitled to be addressed as ‘Sir’ or ‘Lord’.”  In this chain of respect, a “mister” ranks somewhere between a “squire” and a “butthead.”  Obviously society has come a long way in 700 years.  In todays’ equal opportunity environment these titles are not mutually exclusive of one another and a person can be a “sir”, a “mister” and a “butthead” all at the same time.

By comparison, all the prefix titles referring to women have spread from the same source.  “Miss”, “Mrs.” and “Ms” have all been derived from the word “mistress” whose original reference was to “a woman who rules or has control.”  As you can imagine, this term was used almost exclusively with married women.  An example of this would be the fact that I am writing this at the library.

The abbreviation “Mrs.” was actually an abbreviation of the word “mistress.”  The term “misses” was a vulgar mispronunciation of the abbreviation by the lower levels of society at the time; probably the “butthead” class.  During a period in history when everyone began falling into this class except the King and a few Duke and Lord-types, this pronunciation became accepted…much the same as “butthead” is today being accepted as a title preceding any member of Americas’ legislative or executive branches of government, as in “the Butthead Senator So and So”.

The term “Ms”, the most recent incarnation of the word, was developed in the United States in the 1970’s as a needed title for women regardless of marital states or (in the new millenium) regardless of gender.  The title itself is an enigma in language since it actually has no word associated with it – that is, the abbreviation came before the term.  The word since connected with it is pronounced “Mzzzzzzz”.  I don’t know why, nor will anybody tell me.

My research, overall, found that the usage of these numerous titles originated as a courtesy forwarded by people to classify others as to their status.   As society expanded new titles were added such esquire, lady, dame and baronvon (as in Baronvon Schmooteneven) and many others.

We as Americans, however, are not to be outdone by some previous, primitive culture.  In an effort to further classify, categorize and pigeonhole members of the modern citizenry to fit into a 9 digit Social Security number, we have developed several uniquely American usages…the ACRONYM and the INITIALISM.

The initialism is the abbreviation of any group of educational, professional or organizational names or titles, by their first letters, to identify the wearer.  Examples of these include; Ph.D. (Doctor of Philosophy), C.P.A. (Certified Public Accountant) and N.A.A.W.B. (National Association of Angle Worm Breeders).

The acronym is much the same except a word is formed by using the first letters of the name in question.  Often the word formed means something- at least to the people who make them up.  An example of this would be the National Institute of Mind Readers and Oracle Distributors (NIMROD).

As you can expect, the United States Government is the most A.B.O. (Acronym Bound Organization) on the face of the planet.  The government uses these verbal tools to the point that linguistics professional will get hopelessly lost during a two-minute conversation.  It should also come as no surprise that the largest manufacturer of acronyms and initialisms in the government is the U.S. military.  These people have come up with such abbreviations as S.A.C. (Strategic Air Command), A.S.A.P. (As Soon As Possible) and F.U.B.A.R. (Fouled Up Beyond All Recognition)[1].

These hideous inventions can be further used as even more titles to clarify a persons place in the world by showing his/her accomplishments or professional associations.  My wife’s’ desk plate, for example, has all sorts of things following her name like; R.N., B.S.N., N.O.W.A., S.T.A.T., or some such E.A.V. (Excess Abbreviated Verbiage).

I think these name appendages could be dangerously used to camouflage a persons true moniker, kinda’ like a moustache and beard for nomenclature.  Any wanted criminals trying to hide themselves from the law could cover his name with all these extra letters and he wouldn’t have to use an alias.  The police and the F.B.I. (government initialism for Finding Bad Individuals) would be looking for Bob (fictional) Jones and may not even notice Mr. Robert F. Jones, B.S., K.F., W.C.  (Mister Bob Jones, Bad Sort, Known Felon, Wanted Criminal).

You may think to yourself, “Self, he’s making this all up!”  But, NO!  I am not.  You yourself, should you voluntarily leave your home because of the misdirected anger of a loving spouse, could find all these interesting acronyms (well, most of them) in one book.  Actually three volumes of one book called the Acronyms, Initialisms and Abbreviations Dictionary (1994 ed.).  These ledgers of letterdom are chock full of interesting facts.  Did you know, for example, that there are 137 listings for the acronym A.C.E.?  They cover a wide range of topics from the American College of Ecology and the Association of Clandestine radio Enthusiasts to the Engineering Library, City of Calgary, Alberta (apparently the Canadians haven’t quite caught on to the fact that the words are supposed to be in order).

I believe there will eventually have to be laws as to how many of these titles can be tacked on to a name.  As it now stands, a persons’ business card could be completely filled with letters and it would require several appendices to decipher the code.  For instance, if this same Bob (fictional) Jones were an ordained minister and a surgeon who was a member of the state house of representatives, he could be referred to by many prefix titles.  Should he also be a manager of biomedical communications, an environmental activist, a resident at a specific hospital, a contributing editor of an international magazine, a talk-show host on an Amarillo, Texas radio station and a one-time child actor who once played Andy Griffiths’ son on television, he would be REALLY busy.  He could also truthfully be referred to as; the Honorable Reverend Doctor Robert F. Jones, A.B.C.D., E.F., G.H., I.J., K.L.M.N., O.P.[2].  Now, where’s the name in there?

So I think when people write a letter, they should address it without a title of any type…or I may be forced to do something like this again.  That is, if they let me back into the library after reading this.

[1] Certain paraphrasing has been done to keep this essay family oriented.

[2]Association of Biomedical Communications Directors, Earth First, General Hospital, International Journal, KLMN-FM radio, Amarillo, Texas, Opie Taylor

Yesterday I was driving through the country on my way back to town.  I should point out that regardless of your affiliation, rural or urban, the most direct way back to town is still through the country.  Anyway, as I was driving along past vehicles going the other direction, I got the finger.  Not just once – nearly half the people I passed gave me the sign.  Oh, not the way you’re thinking.  No, this finger is the universal rural vehicular sign of greeting and acknowledgement.  It’s a very relaxed and informal action, relating the nature of the people who live in the area.

Here’s how it’s done.  You need to relax back in the drivers’ seat…kinda’ like you’re there all the time.  Just pretend the windshield is a television screen and you’ve pretty much got it…unless you have a tendency to fall asleep in front of the television, in which case you might want to just relax.  Soon you’ll be slouching into a laid back, comfortable position, your left elbow on the door armrest with one or two fingers hooked over one of the steering wheel spokes.  Your right hand will be on the wheel somewhere near the top.  This allows easy control and quick response, if necessary.

Now you’re ready.  As another vehicle approaches and you can see the outline of the person (gender identification is unnecessary), raise the index finger of your right hand to a vertical position.  Eye contact is not required, nor is it recommended at highway speeds.

You have just greeted the person who passed you.  Don’t worry if you didn’t see the return wave.  The recipient of your wave may not be unfriendly – they may simply have slow reflexes and waved back as they were even with your rear bumper.

So why is it people use this motion instead of a simple wave?  Perhaps they’re lazy and don’t wish to expend the energy for a complete wave.  Maybe people only wave to others they really like, which in itself could explain a lot.

The actual (possible) reason people use the one-fingered wave can be traced back to the early days of automobile driving itself.  You see, before the widespread use of asphalt and concrete, the roads were all composed of complex chains of road paving chemicals, which basically formed dirt.  These roads became quite rutted from repeated and continuous use, particularly when wet.   In addition to the poor road conditions, the steering systems engineered in the cars of the day also left something to be desired, at least by current standards.  In order to enhance vehicle control, the automobile utilized a steering wheel that was, oh, maybe a yard across.  It was necessary to keep both hands clamped firmly on the wheel just to stay on the road.  Releasing a hand for the purpose of waving could cause the driver to bounce off the road and into a tree, a creek or any number of natural-type things which everyone knows were all over the place back then.  It’s from these origins that the simple raised finger became a greeting…I think.

A friend of mine from the city is actually amazed at this open show of amiability.  According to him, if you were lying injured on the sidewalk, folks here would likely stop to help, whereas people in his city would stop to shove you out of the way…and those are the friendly ones.  He assures me, however, that there are many helpful people in the city, as well.  They would help themselves to your cash, credit cards and any jewelry you might have.  It’s probably just the neighborhood.

I believe there are several reasons for these differences in the human attitude.  The first is the presence of the crowd.  If there are 10,000 people walking on a given street, all packed close enough to catch the same cold virus (not the same type of cold virus – I’m talking the exact, same virus cell) they not only know each of the others are there, they expect the others to be there.  In this case acknowledgement isn’t necessary and they are likely to bump into one another without so much as a grunt in greeting.

On the other hand, if two of these same people are walking in opposite directions across an open field a quarter-mile apart, they will most likely wave to each other simply in recognition not as individuals, but as people.  The important fact here is they are among the few who carry this soil on their shoes.  They may have other things in common, such as occupation or underwear (the same brand, not the same, exact underwear), but the brief bond they share stems from their unique timing and location.

You’ll also find that, in general, people “out here” will just be a bit friendlier, anyway.  They don’t feel they have to worry about the motivation of other folks – partly because people are friendlier and partly because a large percentage of vehicles have gun racks in them; a questionable, but nonetheless effective deterrent to unfriendly behavior and activities.

So the next time you’re driving through rural America and someone gives you the finger, check again.  It’s a similar motion and we don’t want any misinterpretations.

It’s probably just the Dakota Wave.