Welcome to another edition of Naturalists’ Corner.  At this time of year, as we stand waist deep in snow, ice scraper in one hand, fuel bill in the other, I would like to take the opportunity to educate you on the subject of global warming.

Wait, don’t slog off!  I’m not going to ask for any donations.  I’m simply going to inform…or at least relate to you the information as I understand it.

Global warming is a very complex subject which should probably be covered by a qualified scientist who could explain it to you in specific, scientific terminology which you wouldn’t understand for even the short while you were awake.  For that matter, a lawyer or politician would serve the same purpose, but I can’t afford to hire a scientist, retain a lawyer or buy a politician to talk to you…at least not without taking donations.  So let’s us laymen (that is, persons who know nothing about the subject they are covering) take a look at the problem.

There are many theories which are used to explain the global warming phenomenon.  All of them are connected to the expansion of world population of humans and an increase in the use of technology.  If this is true, at least in some part, then it would be safe to assume that one solution would be to immediately decrease the worlds population by, say 50%.  I’m only guessing here of course, but I would say this is not an acceptable solution to the problem.  With that in mind, let’s look at some other possible reasons for global warming.

One of the most obscure theories and, naturally, my personal favorite, is the “door-to-large-buildings” theory.  This theory is pretty simple and self-explanatory, which I’m sure is why it never caught on with the Scientific Community.  (I believe the Scientific Community is somewhere in California or maybe Massachusetts, but I don’t know for sure.)  This theory states that the large number of people constantly going in and out of really big heated buildings, like the Empire State Building, the Pentagon or the Mall of America to name just a few, allow many millions of BTU’s (Big Temperature Units) of heat to escape into the atmosphere.  This is based on common knowledge you most probably learned from your mother:  “Close that door!  You’re letting all the heat out!  Were you born in a barn?”  This is a useless question, because you were too small to remember and she should know without asking.

Scientifically, however, the sun already heats the earth and does so at a relatively constant rate year in and year out.  All of the extra heat we add to the atmosphere by opening these doors causes a minute increase in the global temperature, thereby melting the ice caps and flooding our homes.  As I say, this is not a big favorite with scientists, particularly those who have some type of formal education.

A good percentage of scientists like to talk about the greenhouse effect.  While it sometimes sounds ominous, it is this greenhouse effect which allows us to live on the planet in the first place.  You see, the suns’ energy comes through the atmosphere and is reflected off of the earth’s surface back into outer space.  The atmosphere acts as a greenhouse to hold some of that energy in the form of heat.  If it didn’t, we’d have to thaw our air before we breathed it and we’d never get anything else done.

As an example, let’s say you’re driving west down the highway at two o’clock on a sunny afternoon.  It’s a comfortable 64 degrees outside but the vent in your car doesn’t work and your window won’t roll down.  It’s obvious you need a new car.  It’s also obvious that some of that sunlight is reflecting out of your car, but not enough to keep the polyester in your sweater from melting.  That’s the greenhouse effect.

The theory associated with the harmful planetary greenhouse effect is that carbon dioxide and water vapor help to keep a larger portion of heat from escaping the atmosphere.  Since burning fossil fuels such as coal and oil produces carbon dioxide, we’re causing an increase in global temperature by increasing this barrier which keeps in heat.  In the northern states and Canada that sounds like a great idea.  However, scientists estimate (that’s technological terminology for  “guess”) that a continuous increase over a period of roughly 100 years would result in an overall sea level rise of two feet.  This would be disastrous for that little kid in Holland with his finger in the dike, not to mention other low lying areas such as Florida and Bangladesh.

The factual problem with this theory is that while average temperatures have increased in the Southern Hemisphere, they have decreased in the Northern Hemisphere.  In this case, any theoretical increase in sea level from the ice thaw in Antarctica would be offset, theoretically, by an increase in accumulated ice at the Arctic.  And since theoretical sea water freezes at the same temperature as factual sea water, there is no evidence, at present, that you should take up ark building as your main hobby…theoretically.

Another serious problem directly related to the greenhouse effect is the depletion of the ozone layer.  This is a protective layer, high in the atmosphere, which helps filter the harmful infra-red light from reaching the planets’ surface, which is where we tend to spend most of our time wandering around.  This infra-red light is connected to some of mankind’s most serious problems.  Things such as skin cancer, the suppression of the human immunoresponse system and those little cracks you get in the dash of your car when you park in the sun all the time.  It’s also a major source of heat energy, which is another point of concern toward global warming:  an increased amount of infra-red radiation is making it through the ozone layer to reach the earth and further increase the average temperature.

“What,” you ask yourself, “are we doing to cause this?”

Well, one thing is the chemical we have been using to cool our food and ourselves.

“That doesn’t make any sense!”, you say?  (I love these interactive articles.)  “How can a refrigerant cause our planet to heat up?  Shouldn’t this cause an overall decrease in temperature like it does in our ’78 Malibu when the air conditioning switch isn’t working?”

The answer is a resounding, “What?!?”  Sorry.  I wasn’t paying attention.

Actually, the answer would be no, it won’t cause lower temperatures.  Here again we must resort to technical scientific verbal usage (jargon) to explain that the common refrigerant of the last 40 years has been a chemical commonly known as “freon”.  This is in a family of chemicals designated CFC’s which to the layman (that’s us again) means, uh, concentrated freezing compounds…maybe.  Back in the scientific community, however, this means Cloro-flouro-carbons, a biologically harmless gas which has been used for many other things over the years including aerosol propellants, which is why, in the past when you used your spray deodorant in order to keep from emitting an unpleasant odor, you were actually polluting the atmosphere…another fact which makes no sense.

The real problem with these CFC’s is that they float up to the ozone layer where they break down into hydrogen nitrates and chlorine oxides – which is a crime in many southern states.  Anyway, these chemicals help catalyze the destruction of the ozone layer by undermining the moral character of today’s youth and by a series of complex chemical reactions.  (Just checking to see if you’re still paying attention.  Besides, everything undermines the moral character of youth.  That’s why you have to keep building it.)  In the end, one molecule of CFC’s can destroy thousands of molecules of ozone.  This is one of the reasons there is a large hole in the ozone layer over Australia and Antarctica.  While this doesn’t seem to have caused any great problems in Antarctica, at least not yet, there is evidence of increased incidence of skin cancer in Australia.  It should be noted that Antarctica suffers the same effects, it’s just that there is a lower ratio of sunbathing and general skin exposure on Antarctic beaches than of their Australian counterparts.

So even though it’s as sketchy as a prehistoric cave drawing, we can see by this evidence that depletion of the ozone layer is a serious problem which should be dealt with.  Its effect on global warming, however, is even more questionable and unsubstantiated than the greenhouse theory.

Still more scientists, perhaps those from a different school of thought or maybe from the other side of the tracks in the Scientific Community, tell us that some 100 million years ago there were no permanent polar ice caps.  Of course, the total amount of land above the surface of the water at that time was about equal to the size of Montana – only not as crowded.  It’s unlikely that the dinosaurical-type creatures alive at the time caused the higher global temperatures by burning fossil fuels and generating a prehistoric greenhouse effect…after all, those creatures are part of our fossil fuels.

More recently the earth has experienced a regular rhythm of temperature changes.  This rhythm, which has repeated itself at least ten times over the past million years or so, consists of about 100,000 years of ice age, followed by an interglacial period of 10,000 to 20,000 years.  These climactic variations are believed to be caused by changes in the orientation of the earth as it wobbles around the sun.  Oh, we can’t really see or feel it wobbling, but on a universal scale it looks like a hyperactive, out-of-balance top.  The actual tilt of the earth changes from about 22 degrees off center to roughly 24.5 degrees.  I believe this is caused by unequal population distribution or the shipment of too many goods from developing nations to countries with severe trade deficits.  Whatever the reason, it does this on a relatively regular basis (galactically, that is) and as the angle changes, the amount of solar energy reaching the earth changes as well.  This, in turn, causes the global temperatures to fluctuate.

The really irritating part of this hypothesis is that according to the pattern the planet has exhibited over the past million years, it is projected that we are at the end of one of those interglacial-type periods.  This means that the planet will gradually get colder over the next, oh, month and a half or at least over the next several thousand years until we have wooly mammoths running around all over the place and instead of the bus, we’ll just take the express glacier downtown…maybe.

All of these theories have their positive and negative arguments, from both the scientific and common-sense points of view.  And all of them, whether they’re 100% correct or not, lead to the fact that we need to be careful with our world – both in what we do to cause a problem and in what we do to correct the problem.

It’s kind of like taking down the old half-dead tree in the back yard…we really do need to be sure which way the thing is going to fall before the people next door look through the hole in their roof and catch us with the saw in our hand.

Another holiday is fast approaching.  Actually, since standard time measurements are used in the case of holidays as well as other days, I think they’re all approaching at about the same speed, so I don’t know why people say that.  Some, like St. Patrick’s Day, 2028, are still quite some time off, but the speed of approach is pretty much consistent.

To visualize this let’s say you’re waiting in Kansas.  A passenger train leaves New York heading west and another leaves Los Angeles heading east.  Both trains are moving toward you at the same speed.  Which one will pick you up first?  Well, neither one probably, since passenger trains don’t stop many places in the Midwest anymore.  But my point is forgotten already, so I’ll just go back to where I started.

Presidents’ Day, Martin Luther Kings’ Birthday, Ash Wednesday or Groundhog Day in Canada (where, in some locales a bear is often used as a substitute for a groundhog – more exciting when trying to determine if the creature saw his shadow, I would guess).  Just look at your calendar!  If those calendar people were doing their jobs there’s probably a holiday every week or so – more if they searched other countries for reasons to fill that little space below the number.  Even discounting the holidays of minimum importance still leaves you a formidable barricade of notable days to, er, note.  These days of note have come a long way from their original intention, which was to allow an extra day for people to rid themselves of their excess cash by going shopping and buying things they really wouldn’t need if they didn’t have so much leisure time on their hands like they do when they get a holiday every few weeks.  Well, actually, that reasoning came later on…I really just used that as a literary “hook” to keep you, the reader, interested while I went through the boring history stuff.

The holiday began as a “holy-day”; an early civilized need to celebrate the mysteries of nature, the inherent awareness of the existence of a supreme deity and a darn good reason to have a party (keep in mind the Super Bowl had not yet emerged from the negotiation stages).  It was no accident that the first holidays, or holy-days, coincided with natural events such as the equinoxes or the day of the death of a chieftain or “the falling of the light from the sky” (most likely a meteor, though the stone tabloids of the day reported it as a visit from the gods and some lunatic from the other side of the woods claimed he was abducted and held for days).  These occurrences were still unknown, supernatural events attributed to the whims of the gods – something these early tribes could not understand…much as adolescence is in today’s’ society.

The organization of religions brought uniformity in the placement of holy days.  Many still coincide with natural events, such as the placement of Christmas near the winter solstice or the 4^th of July on the actual day of July fourth, which is, it turns out, a naturally occurring day.

In modern cultures, religious celebrations are some of the most prominent of days, but they are no longer the only holidays you need to remember.  Now we have days to note events or people and, of course, governmental holidays, which use taxation, secret federal laboratories, advanced military technology and, I believe, mirrors to make most of these days fall on Monday.  Some, such as Thanksgiving, Independence Day and religious holidays like Christmas still fall on days at the whim of the calendar but as technology improves these days, too, will fall on Mondays.

Today most governments and religions have their own holidays and while many have pockets of commonality around the world, New Years Day is the only formal holiday celebrated by nearly all cultures worldwide.  Even China now recognizes the first day of January as the beginning of the New Year.  Traditionally, however, China has held the year to begin on “Moon Day”, the first day of the first lunar moon…following the third Sunday after you pass Park Place and Boardwalk with hotels.  This is always somewhere between January 21^st and February 9^th.  It’s ambiguous, true, but it really spreads out the celebration if you start on December 31.

Most holidays, obscure or not, have another thing in common – they are slow to die.  For example, one or two Nordic countries still celebrate St. Knut’s Day, the day in the year 1038 that Canute the Great (I’ve never heard of him, either, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t a great guy.) decreed that fasting between Christmas and Epiphany should be eliminated.  Now since Epiphany, considered the 12^th day of Christmas, falls on January 6^th it’s no wonder people called him a Saint and honored him with a day of his own.  I would guess people got a little irritable near the end there…not to mention hungry.  This holiday is still recognized in its native country.  Today, however, it’s the day to get rid of your Christmas tree, if you haven’t already done so.  Not much of an honor for St. Knut, but at least they remember him which is more than you can say for his predecessor, Olaf the Thin.

Another example of holiday passé’ is Boxing Day, once noted throughout the British Empire.  At one time this day, December 26^th, was the day a small box was passed to collect donations for postmen, dustmen and other menial laborers.  Nowadays it’s the day people box up their gifts and return them for cash refunds.

Russia is the home of Clean Tent Day.  This was way up north in the hinterlands of what is now Siberia and took place when the polar sun first appeared after the polar winter.  When this occurred the Shaman of the tribe sat in a tent for 3 to 9 days waiting for a vision.  I assume since he couldn’t go out to have lunch or go ice fishing or stop at the pool hall he did the dishes and laundry and dusting and such and that’s where the name came from…it’s just a guess.

Not to be forgotten is the chrysalis of the day of Candlemass, celebrated to commemorate the presentation of Jesus in the temple.  While this is obviously a Christian day of note, which was recognized in many countries, we must blame the Scots for bringing it to us as we recognize it today.  According to an old Scottish couplet;  “if Candlemass is fair and clear, there’ll be two winters this year.”  (Note:  this rhyme must be spoken in a Scottish brogue, but the reader – that’s you – needs to supply that.)  Apparently on that first February 2^nd, when the priest came out of the temple, he saw his shadow and there was a long winter.  In modern times priests have many other important duties and this task has been relegated to a groundhog.

This is just a tiny sampling of the holidays there are to contend with throughout the year.  To accurately estimate the true number, I have used scientifically proven formulas to establish a figure of either 35, which is the number of pre-printed notations in my pocket calendar, and 4,682, which is the largest number I came up with during my calculations.  In order to contend with this extreme grouping I have developed a simplified approach to classification that drastically reduces the number of notes you will need to leave yourself.

The first category is the Day-off holiday.  This one is extremely easy because people have a tendency to remember when they can sleep all morning.  If you happen to forget that it’s a holiday you will be reminded when you get to work and there’s no one else there.  Forget trying to keep track of this one – it’ll take care of itself.

The next grouping covers the Celebrating holidays.  This includes things like New Years Day and Christmas and Thanksgiving and the 7^th anniversary of winning the city bowling tournament, depending on how desperate you are to have something “meaningful” in your life to celebrate.  These are days which may require some preparation and generally call for you to get together with family or friends and eat and drink a bit too much – usually to a point where you feel sluggish and dull and you can barely move without extreme effort and good reason, like, if you need another beer.  These holidays normally involve an invitation so you don’t have to worry about these, either.  Someone will call you and tell you what to bring.

Finally – and this the most critical and difficult category – are the “need to remember” holidays.  These are mostly contrived holidays thought up by people who are now wealthy from selling paraphernalia associated with the holidays, which they made up solely because they felt these people needed recognition.  Days in this category are Mothers’ Day, Fathers’ Day, Valentines’ Day, Secretary’s’ Day, Bosses’ Day, the Rude-Kid-Behind-the-Counter-At-the-Fast-Food-Restaurant Day, etc.  Personal holidays such as birthdays and anniversaries also fall into this realm.  You don’t need me to tell you how important it is to remember these days to help ensure the smooth operation of all your personal relationships…but I’ll tell you anyway.  This is REALLY important, okay?

My recommendation is to immediately go through your new calendar and highlight these days.  If you happen to be the kind of person who only looks at each day as it arrives, I’d further suggest placing a warning marker maybe a week before each day you need to remember.  This will give you ample time to forget to send your mother a Mothers’ Day card, but enough time to think up a good excuse.

Please be sure to set aside, in some special way, the days involving your spouse or sweetheart.  Perhaps mark these days in red or use some other danger sign to attract your attention.  You may want to simply clip a check or cash to these days so you know you need to buy something thoughtful.  You may even want to write down some considerate gifts under these days so at the last minute you don’t lose much of your cognizant abilities under the pressure and buy her another fishing rod or, worse yet, a new iron (nice job, Bonehead).

Hopefully some of these tips and informational notes will be of help to you.  Naturally you will find some holidays will cover more than one category, such as Christmas, which covers all three.  This system has, however, worked well for me and with some modifications may be able to help you as well.

…Please forgive me if you don’t get a birthday card from me, though.  The little squares under the numbers on my calendar are such a mess with notes that I can’t really read everything.

            Again!  I find it difficult to believe that another of my favorite restaurant/coffee house/writing places is closing its doors yet again.

            Okay, I guess I don’t find it surprising as much as I find it disconcerting and rather sad… at least for the owners and operators of the establishments I frequent.  Now, part of the problem is the type of places I tend to spend my time writing.  It can’t be too busy because, let’s face it, they wouldn’t put up with me sitting around taking up their space.  You know – space that paying customers would use.

              Don’t get me wrong, I pay for stuff.  It’s just that the time I spend sitting there generally extends far beyond the normal table time for wheat toast and coffee…sometimes just coffee.  I tip well, though management doesn’t profit from that, so they could care less. 

            In addition, if it’s a busy, popular destination, it’s likely too noisy for me to concentrate on my writing.  Well, not THIS kind of writing; this doesn’t take concentration so much as it does a moderate amount of alcohol.  And the places that serve alcohol don’t like it, either.  Perhaps I can reduce my overactive guilt response by remembering that if the location were busy in the first place I likely wouldn’t even be there.

            … 

            Nope.  That didn’t help.

            Of course, now that word is out that the restaurant is closing, it’s hard to find a table.  People are everywhere.  If these folks had come out of the woodwork before, I wouldn’t have the impetus to be writing this.  Or I would; it would just be about another place that I killed because this place would have been too busy.  Are you following me?  Yeah – sorry about that.

            I understand that someone purchased this building in order to turn it into a hair salon/bar/restaurant.  Yes, you understood me.  Go back and read that over again.  I actually expect it to be a popular place, primarily because the idea is different.  Do you know why it’s different?  BECAUSE THEY’RE CUTTING HAIR THE SAME PLACE THEY’RE MAKING YOUR FOOD!

            Oh, sure, the local Department of You Have To Keep That Clean is sure to give them a great number of GOOPs (Governmental Hoops) to jump through.  They will have to keep the food preparation areas cleaned in accordance with state and federal law.  The cut hair will have to be vacuumed and filtered through something like a…double prime neutron laser filter and I’m very sure the business areas will be well separated, still…  

            How about you and I start a new business:  Acme Auto Service and Fine Steak House.  You can get your oil changed and your tires rotated while you enjoy a premium steak dinner.  (You have to say “premium”, which is actually “average”, or else people will think it’s, like, formed chopped steak or laminated hamburger or something.)  Anyway, I’m leery of the business plan, just in case you were wondering.

            Of course, in today’s business climate you need to have a gimmick; something to draw people in.  In addition, if you have more than one specialty, you can hold onto your customers once you get them. From that perspective, the auto service and steak house isn’t such a bad idea (don’t believe that – it really IS a bad idea).  But you know what is a GOOD idea? 

            The SHOE BAR!  A specialty bar for women…and men.  Of any preference.  The premise would be as simple as it sounds.  Stop in for a drink and check out the newest shoe designs and fashions (which are the same as the old designs and fashions, just, uh, newer).  You can try them on while you relax with a drink and perhaps an aperitif.  I’m sure the State Department of You Can’t Do That will have a great many BLIP’s (Bureaucratic Line-Item Precautions) you’ll have to deal with, what with the shoe removal, footwear thing, but I’m sure the interest will outweigh the overhead.  I’m guessing the largest orders will be for wine.  If your market will support it, you can have a high end wing with designer shoes and $1500.00 bottles of wine.  No nachos or onion rings in this venue; only caviar and calamari. 

            Think of it ladies!  You stop by with your friends after a hard day at the office (the shop, the diner, the factory…whatever), sit down to a relaxing cosmopolitan and try on a cute new pair of pumps.  Maybe some new heels in a deep burgundy.  You KNOW they match that new blouse you bought.  Have another glass of wine and think about it.  How about this new red blend we have – just about the same color as those shoes…  It may be prudent to have a specific area where you can shop for and try on athletic footwear.  I would stock primarily light beers and merlot at this bar, but it’s just an idea.  This particular area would make a great buffer to a regular sports bar.  Sure, while some of your customers will be men, it would be nice to have a place where you could take money from “Joe Average” while he’s waiting for his “significant other” to finish shopping.  Or drinking.  Preferably both. 

            But that’s not where I was going when I started this, is it?  Don’t think I’ll go to a haircutting restaurant, so I guess I need to find a new place to go.  I certainly hope all the other places haven’t seen my record of restaurant closures.  I’ll never be able to get in anywhere!

            Maybe that’s why they always make me wait so long at Olive Garden.

Once again the year approaches the crisp autumn and the time many outdoor enthusiasts look forward to all year.  No, not the beginning of school!  Hunting season.

Hunters from all over have been planning for weeks in anticipation; cleaning their shoguns, loading their shells, polishing their Suburbans.  Pheasant and grouse season is coming up fast.  Waterfowl season is just around the corner.  For those hunters who feel that waving a shotgun around spasmodically and shooting holes in the sky is good practice, dove season is a prerequisite.

Fall hunting season is a modern male bonding experience, equivalent to an old barn raising or threshing bee.  It promotes comradery and long-term friendships.  The topic of the hunt, both before and afterward, aids social interaction and advances political abilities (pronounce “lying”).  In cases of shooters such as the author (that’s me), the hunt offers up a target of good-natured ribbing and downright ridicule.

While this writer (me again) has become a good enough shot with a rifle, the whole concept behind the shotgun seems to be elusive to my skill set.  Over the years I have found that, for me, the best technique to use with any “scattergun” is to firmly grip the firearm with both hands just behind the bead…and swing from just below my right ear.  When hunting faster game such as doves, I find it necessary to choke up on the barrel a bit so as to increase the speed of my swing.  This method of shotgun use nets the same number of birds (none), but wastes far less ammunition.

The event of opening day is a curious ritual in today’s’ society.  A friend of mine is an avid hunter but he tempers his passion with wisdom.  Or maybe he just trades one passion for another.  At any rate, opening day will find him on the otherwise deserted golf course making use of any tee time he desires.  Meanwhile, his hunting buddies can be found in any given field of cut corn or mid-grass prairie, walking shoulder to shoulder, shotguns at the ready, grim determination on their faces.  A long, steadily moving line, unnoticeable in the morning mist – except for the blaze orange vests and caps and the 37 highly polished, brightly colored sport-utility vehicles parked in the background.  Looks kinda’ like Pickett’s charge on the third day of Gettysburg…provided Pickett’s charge had happened in the fall – after the advent of motorized vehicles.

Getting back to the question at hand, what is the lure of the sport that brings these people out to the field?  What is it that calls them from their warm offices, comfortable homes and 10:15 dental appointments?  Okay, so we know why they skipped the dental appointment, but what about the other stuff?  Historically it was the need for food, the necessity that forced the hunt.  Today food is affordable and easily available from supermarkets, grocery stores and assorted open houses and wedding receptions.  When considering the cost of licensing, shotgun shells, fuel and a couple of beers on the way home, an afternoon of pheasant hunting costs about as much as  supper for a family of four at a restaurant and a movie afterward (no popcorn – unless there was a guide involved in the hunting).  The need for food, therefore, is no longer the motivating factor.

Perhaps it is the exotic game itself.  Pheasant, for example, is not readily or cheaply available in stores.  This bird has been considered a delicacy for many thousands of years.  Actually, pheasant under glass has its beginnings in ancient China.  It seems that the all-you-can-eat buffets of antiquity did not yet have the obligatory sneeze shields, a relatively modern invention; so all dishes were covered with a glass lid (they were cloched!  Get it?  Cloche…  Never mind).  Pheasant served in this way has been a highly prized dish ever since…I think.

Duck, likewise, has grasped a portion of the upper level status since the emperors’ chef tried to cover up the fact that he spilled the salad dressing on the bird before he cooked the thing.    Goose has been prized as a special occasion offering for many hundreds of years.  Of course, I believe the popularity of the goose had more to do with the fact that it was large enough to feed the additional pesky relatives who would show up at the door during the holidays.  You could always count on visitors to make the journey to town for the long weekend and Medieval Days sales.  Also, if we were to continue with the argument that the urge to hunt is fired by the desire for more exotic foods, grouse season pretty much kills the debate.  The grouse has always been a mere “table bird”, best accompanied not by a wine of fine vintage but with a lager from last week.

Another possible explanation for the origin of the hunt struck me.  I researched the likelihood that bird hunting was initially spurred by the need to eradicate a dangerous species.  Since neither history nor archaeology shows any of these bird species to ever have been poisonous or particularly aggressive, I really found no evidence to support this theory – except one supermarket tabloid with the headline “20 FOOT PARTIDGE ATTACKS WOMAN”.  The publication would not reveal their sources, although they did tell me aliens have since abducted the woman.

After all this extensive study I believe the human hunts merely because he or she desires the challenge of the hunt.  The proof of man’s superiority over bird…or 53 men’s superiority over bird, as the case may be.  It is a regression to primitive man – the hunter throwing the spear, slinging a rock, um, bowing an arrow.  The return of the triumphant provider celebrating success, the pounding of the chest, the drinking of the mead, the telling of the tales.  And again, men can gather together in comradery around the topic of the hunt, practicing social interaction and political skills:

“…and then we flushed this thing out of the brush, and Charlie, I tell ya’, this partridge was 20 feet high at least!…”

          I wrote a check the other day.

          “That’s old school!” you’re thinking to yourself.

          Well, okay.  I’ll give you that.  But, like you and millions of others I still write checks once in a while, sometimes quite a few.  I’m also pretty good at most of them, managing to fill in all of the little lines with the appropriate information, such as the date, the amount, the person for whom the funds are intended and my name in longhand which no one at the bank ever checks against a signature card anyway or they would know that “L…” is not my complete name OR official signature.  I’ve even gotten to the point where I fill in that short “note” line in the lower left-hand corner with some cryptic phrase that I won’t be able to read or remember when I get the check back.  Using this line makes you look organized, however, and the appearance of organization gets you, maybe 6.3% of the way there…wherever “there” is.

          The particular check in question was different in that it was a bit larger than my usual check – and, even though I was sure I had done so, I actually forgot to enter it into my check register.  It is possible that the entry into the register experienced “spontaneous erasure”.  This is a para-scientific phenomenon which takes place when random molecules on the surface of the paper begin to dissipate for no reason at all, taking with them the ink which was written on top of them.  This can cause a chain reaction which may take out one or even more lines in your check register.  It seems to strike harder at youthful subjects where it often wipes out whole homework assignments.

          Anyway, for those of us who carry an average daily balance in our checking accounts of $462,186.43, this is not likely to be a problem.  Those of us, however, who normally keep an account which ranges in the neighborhood of “excuse me, but I have to get this deposit to the bank before 3 o’clock”, generally know what it means to “balance” our checking account.

          Timing was actually the biggest problem – aside from the fact that I am, personally, too cheap to spend the extra money on duplicate, carbonless checks.  As is common in life, at least for a few of us…like all of us who breath oxygen…this small mistake, compounded by chance occurrences, caused another chain reaction much like the fission which takes place at the core of a nuclear device.  The result, I think, even caused a small mushroom cloud at the bank.

          What happened, as near as I can reconstruct the incident, is that this semi-large check (meaning a check as big as a tractor-trailer rig) made it to the financial institution days after it was written, giving me ample time to forget about it.  The bank, staffed by nice individuals who must have, at one time or another, done something equally as stupid, waited until after the days deposit deadline to see if the owner of the account would inject some life into a faltering monetary existence.  He, or rather, I, did not, however, being blissfully unaware of the situation.

          Here is where the chain reaction begins.  This day, naturally, was Friday, meaning when the nice people at the bank printed and mailed a notice that said “Hey, Moron!  You can’t write checks for more than the amount of money you presently have in your account,” or something to that effect, it fell into a black hole at the U.S. Postal Service and came out in a locale so far distant there were only three digits in the zip code.  Whatever happened to it, it never reached my mail box until the following Tuesday.  In the meantime, having a surplus of funds according to the register balance, I led the family on a weekend excursion following children’s activities all over the region strewing checks like flower petals over hundreds of miles.  (I should point out that I, personally, have never before “strewn” flower petals, but I would imagine it would be something like this.)

          Now, had I been aware of my error within a day or two I could easily have circumvented the trail of latex-based monetary instruments I had left behind me.  This would have been possible because the same nice people at the bank have a policy of covering the overdrafts they receive UP to the amount of the last deposit to the account in question.  Of course, they have a service charge for this sort of thing.  This service charge goes up as your mistakes pour into the office.  I believe the rate of increase is exponential, which is a mathematical statement meaning “at the speed of light.”  Coupling this with the fact that my last deposit was in the area of $43.00 pretty much wiped out my safety cushion.  By the time the first notice reached me on Tuesday, the destruction was nearly complete.  Adjustments and transfers were made to the account immediately but weren’t credited until Wednesday.  Overdraft notices came dropping in like return artillery fire for three days, each one, in chain reaction form, more devastating than the last.  I was extremely embarrassed but still compelled to approach the recipients of my dishonored checks with my hat in my hand, so to speak.  The trouble was, I don’t wear a hat and it was impossible to buy one since I couldn’t write a check anywhere.  The closest I could come was an old stocking cap, so I begged forgiveness and made good on the checks without the headgear.

          Some of the establishments which received the bad paper turned them over to a check collection agency.  This is an institution whose sole purpose is the collection of bad checks.  This is also where the people who aren’t nice enough to work at the bank get jobs.  The collection agency will attempt to collect the amount of the check plus a small additional charge for the business which accepted your lecherous attempt to get a meal without paying for it.  They will also levy a minimal service charge to help cover their own costs.  For each check this will generally run in the area of $862.93.  As you can guess, this can cause a fiscal chain reaction and lead you to spend time in jail because you can’t cover the cost of the four deficient checks you wrote which averaged $9.32 each…plus the service charge at the bank which totaled $235.00 plus the charge at the collection agency which came to a 15 year mortgage at 12% interest.

          All in all these folks were pretty good about the whole thing, but then, they came out ahead on the deal.  The whole process has taught me a great deal.  For one thing, I’m seriously considering duplicate checks.

          And I’m shopping for a new financial institution.  Not that the people at the old one weren’t nice enough – I’m just trying to find one with an accidental chain reaction clause in the checking account contract.

          …And I started wearing hats.

         As is normal this time of year, I have been out shooting a lot.  I have to add that I have been hitting things, too, for those of you who were aiming a snide remark at the page.  What I’ve been hitting is mostly various air particles along with a good supply of dirt, a number of trees, a few fence posts and the windshield of a 2013 Suburban, the latter of which runs about $267.63 a pound, dressed out.  That price can change depending on where you have it “processed.”

          While you are probably having better luck than I am, most hunters tend to expend a great amount of ammunition at this time of year.  Depending on the frequency of your shooting, for whatever reason, this can run into quite an expense if you’re not frugal with your shots – or if you can’t shoot.  In an effort to reduce the cost of my getting out of the house on weekends, I have done some research into loading my own shells, or “reloading” as it is commonly known.

          My brother actually helped me get started in reloading.  I think it was so I could afford to practice more so I could become more proficient and he would not have to worry about his family and friends while I was out and about with a high powered firearm.  He is not the first member of my family to whom I am a disappointment.  Anyway, let me pass on to you some of the information I have gained from him and other sources.

          Let’s get started with the basics.  First we’ll need something in which to put our bullet.  Sure, a firearm is necessary eventually and a cardboard box will work, too, but what I’m talking about here is the casing of the shell which is traditionally made out of animal intestines and can be purchased at any butcher shop.  These can be stuffed with… Wait… that’s for the sausage making article.  What we need is a case, typically a brass constructed cylinder capped on one end.  Each case is specifically designed for a particular firearm so it fits within strict tolerances.  This tight fit keeps the pressure from the expanding gases from forcing its way backward into the breach thereby removing thrust from the projectile and hair from your eyebrows – or worse.  If the fit is too tight, it can cause the shell to become stuck in the loading mechanism; a situation termed firearm “jam.”  I, personally, have never actually seen this happen, but I believe many rifles are equipped with this option to help hunters save face when they come home empty handed.

       “Yeah, I tracked the thing all day – knew it was a big one by the size of the        tracks.  Finally, just about sundown, I was standin’ by this juniper tryin’ to smell like a rock and the darn thing came through the trees.  I tell ya’, Bill, it was huge!  He had a rack on ‘im looked like two dead birch trees – had telephone lines hangin’ from the tops of  ‘em!  I brought up my rifle and wouldn’t ya’ know, the thing jammed on me!  I coulda’ touched the thing, I tell ya’.”

          The next critical component we need is the round or bullet.  These are, of course, the projectiles which are forced from the barrel of the firearm.  Historically, bullets were made from lead because lead melts at a low temperature making it easy to form to the required shape.  Also, it has enough mass so that it carries the energy of the shot and is difficult to deflect from its course, more so than, say, spit wads.  Today lead, in an alloy form, is still the basic material used for bullets because, well, I don’t know why, really.  I didn’t want to do that much research.  The same reasons, I would guess and it’s cheap.  Good enough for me.  Nowadays they often use a copper or alloy coating around the lead.  This is called a jacketed bullet and helps keep the soft lead core from distorting its shape due to the explosive pressures of the firing chamber.  I think the jacket also keeps the core of the bullet warm, which is where the term “hot lead” came from…maybe.

          Now that we have these parts we could make a cartridge that looks complete.  We’re missing a few components, however, and this ammunition would not fire – which to a lot of hunters would make no difference whatsoever, netting them the same amount of game they usually bring home.  However, since they would probably miss the loud noise that usually accompanies the pull of the trigger, we will continue what we started by adding the gun powder.  This, of course, is a chemical propellant which, when ignited turns to a gas and expands explosively – much the same as that greasy pepperoni and green pepper pizza when you mix it with beer.  At any rate, this sudden increase in pressure is what forces the projectile from the front of the firearm.

          All we really need now is a reliable way to get the powder to ignite – we need a powerful flare to set it off.  That’s where our last component, the primer, comes in.  Aside from keeping the powder from running out that little hole in the case once it’s friction fit into the bottom, the primer contains a small amount of a highly volatile mixture of chemicals.  Extreme care must be taken with this portion of the cartridge – these things will go off faster than a spouse after a forgotten birthday.  Actually, during a time when firearms were still using an antiquated system of flints and black powders, these primers were invented by a dentist as a quick means of removing teeth…maybe.  The unknowing patient would be instructed to bite down on a little cup with the bad tooth and the extraction would be over.  Of course, problems were experienced with additional teeth being removed from the explosive reaction, so use for this purpose was discontinued.  Kinda’ gives a new meaning to the term “blasting caps”, though, doesn’t it.

          These are the basic components we need to build our cartridges.  We can’t just put them together in the field, however.  Some of these parts are really small and precise measurements are necessary so they’re kind of hard to put together in a stiff wind on a cold day with coveralls and gloves on.  We’re going to need some tools in order to assemble these parts so let’s look at them as we need them.

          For this step, we’ll have to start with a priming tool.  This is often a small handheld press which slowly and evenly pushes the priming cap into the shell case.  It may be possible to use a wide, flat punch to force the primer into the case.  As a matter of fact, if you were very, very careful you could probably do this successfully on 3 out of 4 attempts.  Of course, the other one would be kind of hard on your bench, tools and fingers.  Also, if you decide to use this method, remember to place your powder and your other primers a good distance away from the bench at which you’re working.  Personally, I would strongly advise against this approach and urge you to spend the few bucks on a priming tool.

          Once we have the primer in the case we need a means to precisely measure the amount of powder we put in each cartridge.  You should note it’s not a good idea to just fill it to the top each time since this could cause minor difficulties in your shooting.  Things like various pieces of your weapon escaping in a number of different directions upon firing.  This is generally not a desirable outcome and if it happens to you and you are still upright and able, don’t bother looking for your missing pieces… they’re not going to be any good, anyway.

          In filling, or charging, the cases, the beginner can use a set of powder measures as a starter.  These are like a set of measuring cups you have in your kitchen except they’re larger…  The ones in the kitchen, I mean.  They work the same way, too.  All you have to do is follow the recipe’ for the bullet you want to load with the powder you are using.  This is important because each powder has a different expansion rate, volume and percentage of calories from fat.

          Finally, we need to insert the bullet into the charged case… or you can pay cash, that’s up to you.  For this purpose we need a press and a die set.  The use for the press is obvious.  We’re “pressing” the bullet into the case.  The die set is a press accessory which is made within strict tolerances to the exact measurements of your bullet size.  When the proper depth and neck pressure is set, the bullet can be set atop the shell and pressed together to form the completed product.

          If you have followed these instructions, as I have written them, you are plainly quite gullible.  You should, however, have a completed cartridge which you can turn upside down without having any of the components fall out.  There is a possibility, however slight, that it may even fire.  This essay serves the simple purpose of giving you the basic idea of how this process works and is in no way intended as a comprehensive guide to reloading.  For that objective I would direct you to purchase any one of a large number of books published strictly for the purpose of promoting the wealth of the person who wrote the volume.  These publications will have many diagrams, charts and technical terms which you will find difficult to understand, thereby making them well worth the money.

          In addition to the components and tools I have mentioned here, there are optional items which are very handy; things like shell gauging tools, a powder scale and supplemental homeowners insurance.  And if you get through this with any money left over, you should be able to save enough to take some shooting lessons.

My wife is gone.  For the next two weeks, my wife is traveling for work.  You know what that means…

Road Trip!  To where my wife is…

What’s the matter with that!?!  She’s in Colorado!  Okay, maybe you haven’t been married as long as I have.  Or maybe you’ve been married longer.  Or maybe you just don’t like your wife…  (I’d keep that to myself if I were you).  Or maybe you just haven’t been to Colorado.

Either way, it’s still a road trip.  Naturally, that means different things to different people.  If you’re 12, it may mean putting up with your little brother irritating you for hours while your dad blames everything on you and threatens to turn the car around.  If you’re 8, it may mean baiting your older sister into violence so she will lose the game on points with your dad.  Hey! It’s just as easy to win the game on points if you take some of them from the other side than if you exert the effort to put them up yourself.  Or, to paraphrase:  Subversiveness is the best offense.  Besides, you may have a promising career in politics ahead of you.

Where was I?  Oh, yeah.  If you’re older, you probably just see it as an opportunity to get away.  This is a viable option if you want to get away TO someplace or if, like me, you just want to BE away.  Please don’t confuse this topic with people telling you to GO away.  I have some experience (a lot) with this subject, as well, but we’ll go into that another time.

Now, if you want to get TO someplace and you’re not concerned with the process of getting there, you may want to find the cheapest flight available (don’t forget to take into consideration your checked baggage charge, carry-on charge, choose-your-seat charge, breathable air charge and bag-of-6-pretzels-that-you-used-to-get-for-free charge.  There is no option for the get-away-from-the-person-next-to-you-who-texts-through-the-whole-flight-because-the-rules-don’t-apply-to-him charge, so you can’t pay extra for one of the things worth paying for).  If, however, you find that the journey itself IS the destination, you may want to travel in a slower, more old-fashioned manner.

Actually, I was referring to driving, but drawn carriage, horseback or even hiking will work.  For our purposes we’ll consider the driving road trip and if you’re interested in one of the other methods of travel you can just read the rest of the article more sloooowlyyyy.

Now, for this type of excursion I would recommend circumven…, circumnaviga…, um, not driving on the Interstate highways.  Granted, in some areas you may want to use it just because, eventually, you’ll have to go back to work.    Most western states come to mind and some are worse (or better, depending on your perspective) than others.  In these areas you are often forced to use the Interstate due simply to a lack of options.  You’ll find there are a lot of things you can see while driving on the Interstate Highway System.  This is just an accident.  Interstate highways were never purposefully placed next to anything interesting but, hey, they have to be next to something, right?  In most cases the things worth seeing were placed there after the highway was built or they were just too costly and impractical to work around.    And yes, that is the kind of thing I would toss in just because I thought it chuckle-worthy, but in this case, it’s true.

Of course, had the designers of the highway system known that, in the future, the human-carved mountain sculpture of a nations great, historical leaders and statesmen would go unnoticed by people checking their “likes” (from people they don’t really know) on a small device they’re staring at while not paying attention to their driving, they would have diverted the Interstate past a perpetual train wreck.  It would have made no difference.

Anyway, if you’re cruising the countryside I recommend choosing a good state or federal highway, preferably one with only two lanes.  This is the difference between “cruising” and “traversing” the countryside.  I would also recommend cutting 5 mph off the speed limit, just to help force you to look around.  If it’s a nice day, open your window…   yeah, I know it’s hard to hear the radio!  You used to be a kid; turn it UP!  Better yet, turn it off.  This is the best way to experience the excursionary pioneer spirit in a few days time.  Would you rather load all your belongings in a covered wagon and slog across the prairie?  I didn’t think so.  Trust me, this is better.

With the wind brushing your brow let your daily problems blow away with it.  Absorb the broad emptiness.  Imagine your solitude if you were an explorer.  Think about where you would be if your car quit.  No, your car didn’t make a funny noise; that was just to make you concentrate on the loneliness, the solitude, the individual strength needed and the fortitude of the earliest people in this unforgiving wilderness.  And the freedom.   You are free!  No constraint…  No restrictions…  No expectations…  NO!  Your car did NOT make a noise!  Maybe you should take the bus.

The point is, use this time to embrace your lack of ultra-modern civilization.  You still have your cell phone, you’re just not tethered to it.  You have your air-conditioning and fuel injection and paved highways and you can have cable tv if you stop at a motel for the night.  Enjoy the disconnect!  Stop to read one of those roadside markers.  Pull off to a historic landmark at the side of the road.  Some of them are very interesting (DISCLAIMER:  Not the one you stop at.  That one will be one of the dull ones.  Still, don’t give up – most of them are interesting and educational).

In other words; relax.

And for those of you not wanting to take a road trip to where your spouse is, you may want to try to think of somewhere you can take a road trip, get away from everything and everyONE for a few days…  and at the same time receive those elusive marital points for your enjoyment.

Wave to me in the aquamarine ’66 Thunderbird if you finally understand.  Have a good trip.

          I really don’t know why I chose camping and backpacking as a hobby.  Like most hobbies people really enjoy, I believe it kind of chose me through a series of chance occurrences.  This type of fateful manipulation reduces my need to make a decision on the subject, thereby effectively leaving me out of the loop.  In this kind of situation I am free to stand by with a confused look on my face…this is the kind of situation with which I am comfortable.

          One of the original facets that drew me to camping was the fact that it was distinguished by its lack of formal equipment as a prerequisite.  This is where the outdated term “roughing it” came from.  I recall gathering a bedroll, which I utilized until my grandmother gave me an old, used sleeping bag she had repaired.  The sleeping bag was quite a welcome piece of equipment, which saved me from a great deal of anguish associated with camping.  Not that my bedroll wasn’t warm enough – the blankets and quilts I used were usually more insulation than needed for the mild weather camping I did in my youth.  The primary problem with the bedroll was the unerring selection of my mothers’ best blankets and quilts for camping use.  I never could quite pick up on this lesson, generally commandeering materials which garnered me “wait ‘til your father gets home!” status.  I would then be alienated from my siblings and any other neighborhood kids who heard my sentence, since they didn’t want to be seen associating with a convicted person.

          Aside from beginning without a sleeping bag, I also initially did without a backpack.  It’s not that I deemed it unnecessary, it’s just that, well, when you rolled everything up in the bedroll you really didn’t need anything else …although a tandem axle trailer might have been helpful.  Naturally this didn’t carry very well but I was much too young and naïve to realize it.  Heck, the only reason I didn’t take the family barbecue and charcoal with me was the poor packing and carrying dimensions of the kettle grill.

          Anyway, camping this way was fun mostly because I was much too stupid to know how back-breaking, barge-toting , bale-hauling hard I was working.  I may have caught on to my intellectual discrepancy earlier if all my friends hadn’t been equally ignorant.  Add to this the fact that, as a kid, a hundred yards was a substantial distance (once you could no longer see your house), we never did the marathon twenty mile days some hikers do as adults.

          As I grew older I acquired more sophisticated equipment such as cold weather sleeping bags which displaced the same volume as a twin mattress and frame, a portable stove about the size of an apartment-size range top and a canvas tent with roughly the same weight as the equivalent coverage in sheetrock less the 2×4 frame support.  Of course, by the time I collected all of this, I had to buy a ’67 Chevy pick-up with sagging springs and sloppy steering in order to carry all of my junk.  Well, actually, I didn’t have to buy a vehicle with bad springs and steering.  That’s just all I could afford.

          Today, however, it is much easier to pack a great deal of equipment and necessities due to synthetics, dehydration and redesign.  For example, a warm, ultra-light, hi-tech synthetic filled mummy bag will weigh you down only about 5 pounds and further reduce your load by relieving you of anywhere from 150 to 500 dollars.  In addition, you will have time to appreciate the warmth of this technological sleeping system since you’ll probably be awake all night wondering how to sleep with your legs bound together after the fashion of a Harry Houdini escape illusion.  As a matter of fact, though many people don’t know it, I believe Houdini died while attempting the mummy bag escape trick while hanging upside down from the gear loft of an ultra-light geodesic dome tent.

          Cuisine and the preparation of food in the backcountry have also advanced on the trail of progress, so to speak.  A given amount of fuel today will release much more heat energy for cooking than an equal amount in days past.  Today’s fuels with modern camp cooking equipment heat foods quickly and efficiently without the soot and smoky-burnt taste of wood charred, er, cooked, fare.  Since many people used to cook with dry wood they picked up from the forest floor, the use of other fuels also reduces the depletion of fallen deadwood, which provides valuable habitat for wildlife.  Of course, nowadays I pack in a stove and fuel instead of burning wood so I actually have a net weight gain of several pounds.  However, this extra burden is suffered for the purposes of taste, convenience and environmental responsibility.  But then, I personally preferred the sooty palate of smoke to the delicate flavor of white gas.  Come to think of it, it would also be more convenient if I didn’t have to lose my eyebrows to the obligatory “poof” of flame when lighting the modern ultra-light, high efficiency campstove.  Environmental responsibility aside, it leaves me yearning for the days of a two-pine bonfire.

          The food we cook is also less of a burden.  It’s already lighter simply by the removal of excess fat, cholesterol, processed sugars and salt.  In many cases, if backpacking during the proper season, I simply grab a handful of the nearest available plantlife with a pinch of wild-growing herb for flavor.

           Besides the restricted diet, any food from simple fruit to shrimp Cantonese can be carried easily and lightly thanks to dehydration and freeze-drying.  This is a process whereby the food solids remain the same and only the water and flavor are removed.  Food preparation then consists only of adding boiling water.  This very naturally leads us to another recent camping concern…

          Water.  This substance used to come from the closest stream, river or brook.  Dip it out, let it settle a bit and your thirst was gone.  Today, civilization has brought us giardia lamblia, cryptosporidium protozoa, psoriasis, arthritis and a possible connection to nuclear-emotive psychosis – all from untreated water.  That’s not to mention the additional susceptibility to cavities from drinking unfloridated water.

          To combat these dangers you need to:  A) carry your own water, or B) buy a filter system you have a great deal of faith in.  If you choose to, A) carry your own water, you have to leave a little extra room in your pack and probably do without a few luxuries such as clean underwear and your portable electric nail clipper with diamond dust emery board since water weighs in at about 8 pounds per gallon.  If you choose option B), buy a filter system, you should be prepared to leave more liquid assets than just water.  Many of these systems work well in removing unwanted organisms from your water to be filtered.  For instance, it’s often so dry in the badlands that if you manage to find water, you have to blow the dust off the top before you can filter it.

          All in all, a beginning backpacker or camper can get by fairly inexpensively.  However, if it comes to the point you feel it necessary to replace some of your simple, useful, bulky equipment with swoopy, light, technologically advanced camping systems, please keep this in mind…  for this kind of money you can trade off the ’67 Chevy pick-up for a new Suburban and drive to the campsite with your old equipment neatly stowed in the back.

          Now that’s progress.

Do you know where you’re going?

No!  I don’t mean your path in life!   You obviously haven’t read any of my stuff before.  A philosophical subject like that is waaaay too deep for my shovel.

What I’m referring to is, when you leave your home and go to your next location, do you know where you’re going?…or more specifically, how to get there?  In this case, the modern GPS is an amazingly helpful device, whether it’s on your cell phone, a portable unit or one of those tablet sized ones they build into the dash on your vehicle so you can be easily distracted while attempting to not get lost.

The GPS, or Giant Pain…no, that’s GPA!…  The Global Positioning System is a technology that uses a space based satellite network to pinpoint a location “on or near” the Earth’s surface.  For purposes of this article, we will assume “on.”  It was invented by Al Gore after he invented the internet.  Or before.  Or maybe it was someone else.  Doesn’t matter.

Either way, this technology can find your location, find your destination, calculate options as to route and roads, then direct you in the direction of the most traffic.  There is also technology available to help circumvent that traffic, but that comes at additional cost and only works in the movies.

As with any new tech, there is a plethora (that means a lot) of uses and applications for this system.  Also, as with any new science, there are downsides and learning curves with which to deal.  One of the downsides of the GPS is language compatibility.  Some of these units have a voice interface.  What this means is you can talk to the unit instead of punch buttons on the screen to instruct the machine to lead you where you want to go.  This feature helps you keep your eyes on the road or your cell phone keyboard as you text while driving.  Sadly, however, it doesn’t do a thing for your frustration level.

“And why not?” you ask.

Okay, one of you asked, even if it wasn’t you.

That’s because, with all the choices available in the language selection menu, “GPS language” is not one of the choices you are offered.  The unit will likely instruct you in a language that resembles whatever you chose, in this case English, but the words it strings together don’t seem to make any sense!

Let’s take the simplest instruction you receive when you get to the first corner.  Your high-tech electronic device will inform you to “prepare to turn left.”

What does that mean?

How do you “prepare” for something like that?  Do you have to wake up?  I am relatively sure this is one of the prerequisites for driving in the first place.  This requirement comes right after the one that says you can’t drive if you’re blind.  Maybe it’s telling you to move to the correct lane, but then why doesn’t it tell you move to the left-turn lane?  This is one of the statements you have to learn in order to operate your vehicle under GPS instruction.  Fortunately, it doesn’t take too long for most of us to catch on after we see our intersection go by outside the window because we didn’t properly “prepare” to turn left.

Granted, there are many very useful instructions or informational comments.  “Prepare to exit left,” is a particularly helpful piece of information, since most exits are to the right.  Knowing this can keep you from cutting across three lanes of traffic in front of other vehicles – provided they “prepare” you for the exit far enough in advance.  I should warn you, from the opposing perspective, that the unit will NOT advise you to watch for an idiot cutting across three lanes of traffic to make the exit.

“You have reached your destination; your destination is on the right” is a useful statement, but not all units seem to have this courtesy.  If they don’t, you invariably find yourself in the wrong lane and need to circle the block to attain your destination.

“Bear right” is another helpful hint, but different manufacturers seem to have different definitions for this statement.  How many degrees of course change constitute a “bear” as compared to a “turn” or a “follow the road?”  Was the last little bend the “bear right” or is that still ahead?  If you take your eyes off the road to look at the GPS screen, you may find out that the “bear right” referred to the extremely large, hairy guy in the Super Duty pick-up.  You know…the one you just tagged while not looking where you were going.

Translation notwithstanding, some proclamations are just designed to cause confusion.  “Move left and keep left, then keep left.” You know there’s a median over there, right?  I can see it on the screen that you know that.  How far left do you want me to go?  We could assume that one of the two left most lanes would be good for this instruction, until it’s followed by the suggestion, ”Prepare to exit right.”  Now what the hell do you do?!

I should point out here that speaking harshly to the GPS unit will NOT gain you an explanation or clarification of any sort.  It may increase your blood pressure but you’re still not getting any help.  Just sayin’.

The answer to my quandary of dealing with the GPS finally fell into place recently when my long owned unit told me to “prepare to drive straight.”  Prepare to drive straight?!”  REALLY?…

And suddenly, with clarity befitting full HD, it occurred to me – this is my spouse!  “Go this way!  Go that way!  Do this!”  Even if you’re doing it correctly, you need to do it correctly in a different way – perhaps MORE correctly!

And so, with this epiphany, I understand the best way to deal with the GPS language barrier.  Do your level best to understand or decipher the instructions.  If you get it wrong, the unit will “recalculate” and tell you the best way to proceed.

In other words, it will treat you like an idiot, just like it has to deal with you ALL THE TIME!

And you thought machines couldn’t learn anything!

            The other day I was speaking with a friend…she wasn’t my friend, mind you; she seemed to have better taste than that.  Still, she struck me as being a very nice person who has actual friends.  Anyway, she was telling me about a place she visited in Nebraska.  Yes, there are places to visit in Nebraska…  there’s no place NEXT to them, but there are places to visit. 

            This particular place was a historical site at which had been found the fossilized remains of prehistoric camels.

            “Hey!” you’re thinking at this article, “there are no camels in North America… or even Nebraska!”

            You’re right, and that’s exactly my point.  Consider the significance of the fact.  This means there were people on this continent long before anyone thought there were – and they had ZOO’s!  Imagine.  A prehistoric people in America with a thirst for knowledge, a desire for culture and the need for someplace to take their kids on Saturday afternoon.  And since these camels are from Africa or the Middle East or some continent which has already fallen into some ocean or other, it means these people had intercontinental commerce and consequently, intercontinental travel and probably a trade deficit, but that’s not the point of this article.  I mean, think about it.  They had to get the camels over here somehow and they couldn’t just slap a FED-EX sticker on them and send them off.  This was way before the first cargo ships (which were made of gopher wood and measured in cubits…I think).   

            To accomplish this monumental task these early zoologists enlisted the aid of Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom’s Marlin Perkins, who was a young man at that time.  Since they didn’t have a written language at that time, Marlin was known by an odd geometric symbol, which meant “the wildlife biologist who will later be known as Marlin Perkins.”  What Marlin did was travel to the Middle East, which was then the Southwest because you had to approach it from the Northeast.  And even though they crossed what is now the International Date Line, it hadn’t really developed into an actual line then – it was then only a hyphenated open space, so they had no agreed upon point from which to determine direction so they just figured from where they were at the time.  Follow?

            At any rate, to help him secure these dromedaries from the wild, Marlin likely enlisted the aid of Honest Assim’s New and Used Camel Oasis.  (Marlin didn’t actually start capturing wild animals until he hired his young, burly, gullible protégé, Jim.)

“What you need to do, Jim, is take these two natives, wade into the water and grab that great white shark.”

“That looks a little dangerous, don’t you think, Mr. Perkins?”

“Aw, kid!  We used to do it that way all the time.  If it makes you feel any better you can shoot them with this tranquilizer dart from this $17.98 Daisy Air Pistol and then catch him in this seaweed net.”

This is how Jim reached the level he has today as the second most stitched-up man in show business after Evel Kneival.

            Where were we?  Oh, yes.  So this group would barter something for the camels – say wooly mammoth tusks, or better yet, a wooly mammoth – and then head back to Nebraska, which back then was called something more primitive, like…  Arkansas.  In order to return with these camels, or even get there in the first place, these daring zoologists had to cross the Bering Land Bridge, the remains of which now stand on either side of the Bering Strait, so called even though it’s kind of curved.  Now the bridge itself was built by early engineers as a means to get to Las Vegas for conventions and to follow escaping caribou which would swim aroundand circle back to take the beach a couple hundred yards to the south.  The hunters didn’t know that, however, so they had prehistoric construction crews build the bridge out of land.  This only makes architectural sense because this was, of course, before the “iron” age or the “bronze” age or even the “stone” age.  This was as far back as the “dirt” age, so the early engineers used dirt for everything:  bridges, houses, office buildings, computers, chicken dinners – everything.

            Finally, when the journey was complete, they placed the camels in cages – which were, of course, made of dirt.  That’s why today there is no evidence of the pens used to house the different animals.  Because of this, some archaeological scientists have come up with the inane idea that these camels found their way over here by themselves and have since become extinct.  This is the kind of far-fetched supposition which gives science a bad name.  Take all those mammoths found in the tar pits.  Archaeologists would have us believe that these animals were so stupid that one of them got stuck in the muck and the rest of them just followed him in. 

            I think it’s rather self-centered to believe that just because these mammals are not humans or that they aren’t evolved to the point of low-fat cuisine that they automatically have the intelligence of all-star wrestlers.

            I think it proves that these early people domesticated these animals – and used them on road crews where they were accidentally caught in the hot oil used to asphalt the road.