One and two and three and four… and left and right and back and front… bend and stretch for the remote control!
Oh, hey! Get some loose clothing and join me in some exercise. Aaaand bend and sit and stretch those legs and reach and stretch and… put your feet on that stool over there and grab a beer. We’re not actually doing any exercise, we’re just talking about it right now.
We Americans are in generally poor shape, and by Americans, I mean our culture as a whole. And by that I mean the people you see when you go to work and to the mall and to the myriad other places you go in the course of your daily life… although you shouldn’t necessarily go to myriad places because I’m sure your mother told you about the kind of people you’ll find there and that you could go blind or your face could freeze that way or some such thing.
“Aha!” you’re thinking; “There’s the book of matches on which I had written the phone number of the guy who had the used nuclear reactor parts for sale.”
Okay, but please pay attention from now on. The other person reading this is thinking: “What about those people on TV? They’re not in poor shape.” This is true, but those people are not Americans, they are actors who are playing Americans on TV. Now this does not mean that some or all of them are not Americans but they do not generally represent the cross-section of the American public we are talking about. You know, regular people.
Try this simple experiment. Take a random sampling of television programs. This means watch your favorite shows. While doing so, count the people in the program and see how many of them are obviously out of shape. Next go to a public place and count the same ratio at, say, the supermarket or Walmart. And check the whole store, not just the candy aisles or the extra-large clothing section. You’re likely to find that on television the ratio is maybe 2 out of shape people in 73, whereas in actual American culture the ratio will be as high as…a lot.
Why is this? Have people throughout American history always been so out of shape? Well, how should I know? How old do you think I am? Historical Americanologists, sociologists and scientists, in conjunction with other professional “ist” groups tell us that past generations of Americans were in generally better physical condition than we are today and would still be today had they not usually died at such young ages. This is because previously the greatest majority of Americans had to dig and hammer and run and shuck, or in some form or other actually work. They were required to engage in continuous movement that metabolized the foods they were eating, which in their case were rough breads, meats and eggs, with a generous dripping of lard – if they were well-off. Of course, they dropped dead at an amazing rate simply because they didn’t wash their hands or couldn’t take two aspirin for a fever – but they died in generally better shape.
Today, however, a majority of us have traded the scythe and the hammer for the free election ballot so we can… wait, that’s a political ideological metaphor. My point is that we have traded the hand tools and hard work, in most cases,for an office or a piece of automated equipment and shorter hours in the workplace. To get to the workplace we normally drive and for recreation we watch someone else play a game. We have come to a point where we have trouble metabolizing a diet soda, lettuce salad and fat-free dressing much less a third pound bacon cheeseburger with fries and a beer.
“Hey!”, you say, “I’ve seen really old portraits of out of shape people like the one hanging in the bank where they turned down my loan application to buy the used nuclear reactor parts!”
Sure, it’s true that the pictorial record of history, particularly in portraits, shows a large percentage of overweight people. At that time in American history this was a sign of affluence. Think about it… these were bank presidents and company founders and large business owners who would get up in the morning and sit in their offices all day, except for lunch. They spent their recreational time coming up with games that others could play so they could watch without having to do anything. They were also wealthy enough to have their portraits painted. You can see that we have been building a society of pseudo-affluent people. Today even the poorest of us can dine on bug-part-laden hot dogs and grease saturated chips while spending our increased recreational time watching some truly affluent people play a game on television.
How can we change this?
Well, education is the easiest way. Education of people about proper modern diet. Education about exersize and healthy lifestyle choices. If it’s an effective program, this should help, oh, maybe 2 1/2% of the people in America today. And half of those people are probably in okay shape to begin with.
What we need, then, is a plan to reach the largest part of the American public; a schematic which will benefit even those who do not wish to take part; an innovative and unique proposal from an innovative and unique mind…and, naturally, using the vast resources at my disposal I have developed a plan:
Aerobically Generated Televisions!
Think about it! What does todays’ American culture have and revere more than any previous or foreign culture in the world? No, not multi-level parking! And not high priced sport shoes or frozen yogurt, either!
Television! TV! The boob tube…the idiot box…the zombie screen…the…well, you get the idea. As a culture, we sit in front of the television more than anyone else in the world. Our ancestors naturally didn’t spend all of this time sitting in front of the television because they only had a couple of channels so they could find out in 12 seconds that there was nothing on so they’d grab their swords and go out to fight the crusades or something. This type of activity was exceptionally good exercise provided you could make it through the day with all of your parts still connected and operating within normal parameters.
So, if we’re going to be watching television anyway, we simply disconnect it from the wall outlet and design it to function only off an electrical generator wired to an exercise bike! Oh, you could use other physically motivated equipment, as well. TV by NordicTrac or Home Entertainment by Schwinn. The point is, you want to watch, you’ve got to get the heart going. Kinda’ does away with falling asleep in front of the TV, don’t it?
Sure, you say, people are going to watch less TV if they have to work at it. Yes! Perhaps they’ll go out and take part in a game themselves instead of watching one on television. Maybe they’ll build a desk or possibly just clean the garage or talk to their neighbor. Many people may actually even turn to reading! Imagine that.
Yes, okay, it’s kind of extreme but it would benefit the people watching TV and would help those who weren’t simply by making them aware of other activities or even their children:
“Who are you?”
“I’m Mike, Dad. I’m your son – I live here.”
“Oh, yeah. You’re the kid who finds the remote control. Go get me a
book, will ya’, Mike?”
Over all, it would be beneficial for nearly all people. American families would be in better condition by watching TV as families since they’d be pedaling in shifts. Those people who didn’t want to exercise would be staying in shape by becoming involved in some other activity, possibly one which involved exercise. Others may become creative and make or build things. The rest would likely take to reading, so while they sat about in an inactive state they would be gaining knowledge.
Everybody wins!
Besides, it would be easy to spot really smart individuals.
“Mr. Snassly, there’s a man out front looking for a pair of the wool blend dress slacks with a 46 inch waist and a 34 inch inseam. What should I tell him?”
“Tell him we’ll be happy to help him with those…and ask him if he knows anything about stain resistant chemical impregnation of blended fabric fibers.”