My wife is gone.  For the next two weeks, my wife is traveling for work.  You know what that means…

Road Trip!  To where my wife is…

What’s the matter with that!?!  She’s in Colorado!  Okay, maybe you haven’t been married as long as I have.  Or maybe you’ve been married longer.  Or maybe you just don’t like your wife…  (I’d keep that to myself if I were you).  Or maybe you just haven’t been to Colorado.

Either way, it’s still a road trip.  Naturally, that means different things to different people.  If you’re 12, it may mean putting up with your little brother irritating you for hours while your dad blames everything on you and threatens to turn the car around.  If you’re 8, it may mean baiting your older sister into violence so she will lose the game on points with your dad.  Hey! It’s just as easy to win the game on points if you take some of them from the other side than if you exert the effort to put them up yourself.  Or, to paraphrase:  Subversiveness is the best offense.  Besides, you may have a promising career in politics ahead of you.

Where was I?  Oh, yeah.  If you’re older, you probably just see it as an opportunity to get away.  This is a viable option if you want to get away TO someplace or if, like me, you just want to BE away.  Please don’t confuse this topic with people telling you to GO away.  I have some experience (a lot) with this subject, as well, but we’ll go into that another time.

Now, if you want to get TO someplace and you’re not concerned with the process of getting there, you may want to find the cheapest flight available (don’t forget to take into consideration your checked baggage charge, carry-on charge, choose-your-seat charge, breathable air charge and bag-of-6-pretzels-that-you-used-to-get-for-free charge.  There is no option for the get-away-from-the-person-next-to-you-who-texts-through-the-whole-flight-because-the-rules-don’t-apply-to-him charge, so you can’t pay extra for one of the things worth paying for).  If, however, you find that the journey itself IS the destination, you may want to travel in a slower, more old-fashioned manner.

Actually, I was referring to driving, but drawn carriage, horseback or even hiking will work.  For our purposes we’ll consider the driving road trip and if you’re interested in one of the other methods of travel you can just read the rest of the article more sloooowlyyyy.

Now, for this type of excursion I would recommend circumven…, circumnaviga…, um, not driving on the Interstate highways.  Granted, in some areas you may want to use it just because, eventually, you’ll have to go back to work.    Most western states come to mind and some are worse (or better, depending on your perspective) than others.  In these areas you are often forced to use the Interstate due simply to a lack of options.  You’ll find there are a lot of things you can see while driving on the Interstate Highway System.  This is just an accident.  Interstate highways were never purposefully placed next to anything interesting but, hey, they have to be next to something, right?  In most cases the things worth seeing were placed there after the highway was built or they were just too costly and impractical to work around.    And yes, that is the kind of thing I would toss in just because I thought it chuckle-worthy, but in this case, it’s true.

Of course, had the designers of the highway system known that, in the future, the human-carved mountain sculpture of a nations great, historical leaders and statesmen would go unnoticed by people checking their “likes” (from people they don’t really know) on a small device they’re staring at while not paying attention to their driving, they would have diverted the Interstate past a perpetual train wreck.  It would have made no difference.

Anyway, if you’re cruising the countryside I recommend choosing a good state or federal highway, preferably one with only two lanes.  This is the difference between “cruising” and “traversing” the countryside.  I would also recommend cutting 5 mph off the speed limit, just to help force you to look around.  If it’s a nice day, open your window…   yeah, I know it’s hard to hear the radio!  You used to be a kid; turn it UP!  Better yet, turn it off.  This is the best way to experience the excursionary pioneer spirit in a few days time.  Would you rather load all your belongings in a covered wagon and slog across the prairie?  I didn’t think so.  Trust me, this is better.

With the wind brushing your brow let your daily problems blow away with it.  Absorb the broad emptiness.  Imagine your solitude if you were an explorer.  Think about where you would be if your car quit.  No, your car didn’t make a funny noise; that was just to make you concentrate on the loneliness, the solitude, the individual strength needed and the fortitude of the earliest people in this unforgiving wilderness.  And the freedom.   You are free!  No constraint…  No restrictions…  No expectations…  NO!  Your car did NOT make a noise!  Maybe you should take the bus.

The point is, use this time to embrace your lack of ultra-modern civilization.  You still have your cell phone, you’re just not tethered to it.  You have your air-conditioning and fuel injection and paved highways and you can have cable tv if you stop at a motel for the night.  Enjoy the disconnect!  Stop to read one of those roadside markers.  Pull off to a historic landmark at the side of the road.  Some of them are very interesting (DISCLAIMER:  Not the one you stop at.  That one will be one of the dull ones.  Still, don’t give up – most of them are interesting and educational).

In other words; relax.

And for those of you not wanting to take a road trip to where your spouse is, you may want to try to think of somewhere you can take a road trip, get away from everything and everyONE for a few days…  and at the same time receive those elusive marital points for your enjoyment.

Wave to me in the aquamarine ’66 Thunderbird if you finally understand.  Have a good trip.

Spontaneity.  That’s one of the keys to an enjoyable vacation.  Deciding off the cuff where to go.  Packing up and surprising your spouse:  “We’re going that way!”  Stopping where you want to stop, turning where you want to turn… feeling the freedom of the road.

In order for this type of vacation to work, however, it’s necessary to leave the kids at home.  Since this is not an option for responsible, loving parents and since it’s largely frowned upon by society and law enforcement officials everywhere, except maybe Chicago, it is suggested that you take them along… the kids, that is, not the law enforcement officials.  This option requires planning, patience and earplugs.  And do it now; before school starts.

In my view, planning a vacation is tantamount to deciding your own funeral arrangements – it’s nice to know that people are going to meet at a gathering in your honor, but it takes the fun out of it when you have to throw the party yourself.  (The dying part probably isn’t that great, either, but considering that aspect sort of screws up the analogy.)  Vacation organization is no different.  In order to have the event come off smoothly, more time should be spent in the planning stages than in the actual execution of the plan itself…kinda like a covert military operation:

“Okay!  At exactly 09:34, Honey, you break away from the group and run toward the ticket office.  Kids, you create a diversion while I scout for a parking spot.  Keep a sharp eye out for enemy souvenir vendors…and try not to draw attention to yourselves!”

Extreme planning of this sort will keep you from looking for a campsite in the dark or driving on to the next city for a motel because you hit town the same time as the 83^rd annual Mutton Appreciation Days and Sheep Sheering Festival.  It can also get you to your hotel at 1:30 in the afternoon with nothing to do the rest of the afternoon but let the kids swim in the pool and watch the Discovery Channel on television.  For times like these, it’s always preferable to stay at a motel with a lounge.

For camping, many places now offer campsite reservations.  While this may keep you from searching for a campsite, you generally don’t have any hand in choosing which site you’ll get.  Because of this you may find yourself with a site in an alternate drainage route on the side of a steep hill, thereby ruining a perfectly good camping vacation and forcing you to a motel…preferably with a lounge.

Deciding beforehand where you’re going to stay and how long you’re going to be there can help you in packing for your trip.  If you’re going to a motel with a pool, for example, you don’t want to forget the swimwear.  Things like the camcorder are necessary for capturing those special moments, since it takes better video than your phone.  That is, if your cousin Art can remember who he loaned it to after he borrowed it from you.

It may be a good idea to make a list of things you’ll need or don’t want to forget.  You may even want to make several lists so you have one nearby whenever you think of something.  Doing so reduces the frustration you have of knowing you thought of something and then forgot it, anyway.  Of course, if you get too carried away with lists you’ll have to make a list of all the lists you have so you don’t forget anything.

Anyway, knowing where you will be going will help you foresee what type of clothing and gear you will need.  One tip to remember, however, is that no matter how well you plan or how much time you spend thinking about it, you will invariably forget something.  The trick is to learn to improvise.  If you fail to bring enough clothing, you can make room in your schedule to stop at a laundromat or send them to the motel cleaners.  If you forget the kids’ stereos or little electronic games, you can teach them some of the songs and car games you used to pass the time when you were young.  If you forget your wallet, drivers license and credit cards you’ll have to go back – improvisation will take you only as far as the next gas station, after which you’ll need cash.

Once you have listed, organized and packed everything you feel you’ll need, including 30% things you probably won’t ever use and 4% things you’ve never seen before, you can begin stowing this material in your vehicle.  As you can see by comparing volume of space to volume of luggage, this will require a plan as well – or a new vehicle.  This is the reason you often see older travelers driving down the highway in those large Greyhound-size motor homes.  Over the years they have gathered so much material they feel is necessary that a continuously larger RV is needed until they finally have to purchase the model manufactured by Caterpillar.  I think formal classes in stackage and storage would be much more cost effective, not to mention fuel-efficient.

There are some guidelines to remember when packing your vehicle.  Place the largest, heaviest items in the bottom and pack everything you may need during the trip on the top.  As an example, don’t put the Minnesota map in the largest suitcase, which will go way up in the front of the trunk below and behind everything except the tool kit and the emergency flares.

If you’re planning to tie things to the top of the vehicle, use the space for large luggage or coolers.  Smaller items are more likely to fly off without warning you they’re leaving by bouncing off the exterior of the vehicle.  It’s also a good idea to use older luggage for topside placement and a Boy Scout knot handbook also does wonders for the success of cartop luggage carrying.  Those large plastic top carriers are very helpful as well, since you can lock them.  This is useful because you only have to chase one item when it separates from your vehicle like a used up stage of a Saturn 5 rocket.

One more thing about packing the car.  After you’ve removed everything for the purpose of strategic storage and placement, don’t forget to put everything back in the trunk.  Extreme anxiety can arise after you’ve scattered the entire contents of the trunk in a deserted section of road in order to retrieve the spare tire, only to remember exactly where the jack is sitting in the garage.

Anyway, once you have everything packed, you’re ready to go.  You need only round up the kids and you’re off.  It’s necessary at this point, as a parent, to double-check the bathroom status.  Doing so will accomplish nothing because midway between your home and the next town or rest area someone will have to go to the bathroom.  The main reason to bring it up is so everyone else is well aware that you were right in asking.  It’s also handy to point out to everyone, while you’re looking for somewhere to stop:

“Didn’t I tell you to go before we left?!”

For what it’s worth, the mood is set and you are now on your way.  This is when you realize that the planning is the best part of the vacation.  While dreaming about it in the organizational stage you tended to leave out untimely bathroom stops, “I’m thirsty”s, “I don’t want to eat there!”s and “DAD, HE’S ON MY SIDE!”s.

Now is when you drive with your eye on the end of the day…on a motel with a nice bed and a pool for the kids.

Preferably, one with a lounge.