Once again the year approaches the crisp autumn and the time many outdoor enthusiasts look forward to all year.  No, not the beginning of school!  Hunting season.

Hunters from all over have been planning for weeks in anticipation; cleaning their shoguns, loading their shells, polishing their Suburbans.  Pheasant and grouse season is coming up fast.  Waterfowl season is just around the corner.  For those hunters who feel that waving a shotgun around spasmodically and shooting holes in the sky is good practice, dove season is a prerequisite.

Fall hunting season is a modern male bonding experience, equivalent to an old barn raising or threshing bee.  It promotes comradery and long-term friendships.  The topic of the hunt, both before and afterward, aids social interaction and advances political abilities (pronounce “lying”).  In cases of shooters such as the author (that’s me), the hunt offers up a target of good-natured ribbing and downright ridicule.

While this writer (me again) has become a good enough shot with a rifle, the whole concept behind the shotgun seems to be elusive to my skill set.  Over the years I have found that, for me, the best technique to use with any “scattergun” is to firmly grip the firearm with both hands just behind the bead…and swing from just below my right ear.  When hunting faster game such as doves, I find it necessary to choke up on the barrel a bit so as to increase the speed of my swing.  This method of shotgun use nets the same number of birds (none), but wastes far less ammunition.

The event of opening day is a curious ritual in today’s’ society.  A friend of mine is an avid hunter but he tempers his passion with wisdom.  Or maybe he just trades one passion for another.  At any rate, opening day will find him on the otherwise deserted golf course making use of any tee time he desires.  Meanwhile, his hunting buddies can be found in any given field of cut corn or mid-grass prairie, walking shoulder to shoulder, shotguns at the ready, grim determination on their faces.  A long, steadily moving line, unnoticeable in the morning mist – except for the blaze orange vests and caps and the 37 highly polished, brightly colored sport-utility vehicles parked in the background.  Looks kinda’ like Pickett’s charge on the third day of Gettysburg…provided Pickett’s charge had happened in the fall – after the advent of motorized vehicles.

Getting back to the question at hand, what is the lure of the sport that brings these people out to the field?  What is it that calls them from their warm offices, comfortable homes and 10:15 dental appointments?  Okay, so we know why they skipped the dental appointment, but what about the other stuff?  Historically it was the need for food, the necessity that forced the hunt.  Today food is affordable and easily available from supermarkets, grocery stores and assorted open houses and wedding receptions.  When considering the cost of licensing, shotgun shells, fuel and a couple of beers on the way home, an afternoon of pheasant hunting costs about as much as  supper for a family of four at a restaurant and a movie afterward (no popcorn – unless there was a guide involved in the hunting).  The need for food, therefore, is no longer the motivating factor.

Perhaps it is the exotic game itself.  Pheasant, for example, is not readily or cheaply available in stores.  This bird has been considered a delicacy for many thousands of years.  Actually, pheasant under glass has its beginnings in ancient China.  It seems that the all-you-can-eat buffets of antiquity did not yet have the obligatory sneeze shields, a relatively modern invention; so all dishes were covered with a glass lid (they were cloched!  Get it?  Cloche…  Never mind).  Pheasant served in this way has been a highly prized dish ever since…I think.

Duck, likewise, has grasped a portion of the upper level status since the emperors’ chef tried to cover up the fact that he spilled the salad dressing on the bird before he cooked the thing.    Goose has been prized as a special occasion offering for many hundreds of years.  Of course, I believe the popularity of the goose had more to do with the fact that it was large enough to feed the additional pesky relatives who would show up at the door during the holidays.  You could always count on visitors to make the journey to town for the long weekend and Medieval Days sales.  Also, if we were to continue with the argument that the urge to hunt is fired by the desire for more exotic foods, grouse season pretty much kills the debate.  The grouse has always been a mere “table bird”, best accompanied not by a wine of fine vintage but with a lager from last week.

Another possible explanation for the origin of the hunt struck me.  I researched the likelihood that bird hunting was initially spurred by the need to eradicate a dangerous species.  Since neither history nor archaeology shows any of these bird species to ever have been poisonous or particularly aggressive, I really found no evidence to support this theory – except one supermarket tabloid with the headline “20 FOOT PARTIDGE ATTACKS WOMAN”.  The publication would not reveal their sources, although they did tell me aliens have since abducted the woman.

After all this extensive study I believe the human hunts merely because he or she desires the challenge of the hunt.  The proof of man’s superiority over bird…or 53 men’s superiority over bird, as the case may be.  It is a regression to primitive man – the hunter throwing the spear, slinging a rock, um, bowing an arrow.  The return of the triumphant provider celebrating success, the pounding of the chest, the drinking of the mead, the telling of the tales.  And again, men can gather together in comradery around the topic of the hunt, practicing social interaction and political skills:

“…and then we flushed this thing out of the brush, and Charlie, I tell ya’, this partridge was 20 feet high at least!…”

            This is a good time to talk about waterfowl hunting.  That’s because it’s waterfowl season.  If you talk about these things during a special spring turkey season, nobody pays any attention.

            I could start off by telling you that waterfowl hunters are some of the most dedicated of all hunters.  They are also some of the most wet, cold, messy, well equipped, cold, warmly dressed and…still cold, did I mention that?  Of course that part depends in large part on the technique used to hunt waterfowl.  Let’s take an overview look at these sportsmen.

            Just like any hunting sport there are many of these hunters who use the modern, technological approach to goose hunting:  They drive around until they see something to shoot at.  Now, before we get too judgmental with these particular hunters, I should point out that most of us, at one time or another, while on our way to our favorite hunting slough, er, spot, have seen game which has caused us to stand on the brakes and leap from the vehicle with such haste that we miss park and accidentally engage reverse as we run off after what looks like a twenty pound Canada goose, thereby allowing the truck to idle backward off the road, down the ditch, through the fence and into the mud hole on the other side while we collect our trophy… Which turns out to be some other hunters’ expensive, amazingly lifelike decoy – which we are more than happy to trade back to him for a pull out of the mud.  But then, I’m guessing this has probably happened to you, too.

            Most ethical hunters, or at least those who are still making payments on their pickups, use some other approach to waterfowl hunting, such as a blind.  While this may sound like a lethal combination of a large bore scattergun and a complete lack of sight, it’s not really that dangerous.  The blind is nothing more than a stand or pit camouflaged by plant life and foliage common to the area.  The idea is that this type of cover the hunters are hidden from the sight of the birds flying overhead.  That’s the theory, of course, though it doesn’t explain why geese will fly at eye level across the latitudinal length of Nebraska, but lift to 18,000 feet over established blinds.  You can imagine an early, damp, blustery morning sitting in a frosty hole in the ground with a thermos of hot coffee and a chilled 12 gauge pump, concealed from everything but the icy wind and most airborne waterfowl.

            A number of hunters in swampy, marshy areas make use of a floating blind in the form of a flatboat which can be adorned with native aquatic plants so it looks like the surrounding reeds… except it moves and there are guys with coveralls and shotguns growing out of the middle of it.  This is another excellent method of hunting until you have to brace yourself in a small boat in order to fire a low gauge magnum.  It’s quite easy to lose your balance in this situation.  That’s where the cold and wet part comes into this technique.

            The style used most often by hunters who don’t want to just sit and wait; those who feel the need to be more active, who have the desire to take a more physical part in the hunt or, as they’re more commonly referred to, young fools, is the stealth approach method.  This consists of taking 53 minutes to crawl cautiously, infantry-like through the muck until 47 yards away from the point you’re trying to reach.  At this point, the birds will sense your closure, probably from the raspy, ragged breathing and take flight in the direction opposite your position.  Who even cares if this style is cold and wet?  Most of us just aren’t doin’ it!

            Now, I have mentioned the need for some specific items required for hunting waterfowl.  Easily the first among these requirements – and very few of you hunters with similar status would disagree – is permission from your spouse.  This is necessary to make the total experience a more pleasant one, if you know what I mean.  Written permission isn’t needed, though depending on your situation it may come in handy later on.

            The first actual hardware requirement is, naturally, a shotgun.  The 410 gauge, which works well for rabbits, squirrels and scaring birds away from your strawberries, should be left at home.  Also the 20 gauge which, while light enough to schlep around after partridge, grouse or even pheasant, probably won’t pack enough pellets or power to be effective against a high flying, densely muscled goose.  What you really need is at least a 12 gauge, preferably in a magnum.  Another option gaining popularity is the recently resurrected 10 gauge magnum which is increasingly accepted among those hunters who hunt from established blinds which, as I mentioned, prompt geese to fly at extreme altitudes.  This is because while geese are not highly intelligent, they are able, by instinct developed over millions of years, to draw rudimentary maps on the soft floors of shallow wetland areas and show their young the areas they need to avoid.  This is why you see them with their heads under water for long lengths of time…maybe.  Anyway, the 10 gauge packs a couple more pellets and a fair amount more power to help attain a bit of additional range.  This allows the sportsman to increase the misjudgment of the maximum range so he can waste more rounds when the geese are even further away.  An extreme option is an army surplus 105mm Howitzer with altitude sensitive exploding shells… but you still need to use steel shot and a plug for use in waterfowl season.

            A select type of hunter will use decoys.  These are available in many useful and effective variations, both in floating decoys and those designed for use in the open field.  Naturally, because people don’t shake their heads at obsessed hunters enough the way it is, these tools are available in some strange and downright laughable forms.  You can purchase very, very large goose decoys with bodies 3 or 4 feet or more in length.  The initiating idea here is that geese have no sense of proportion so they’re not going to notice that those geese down there with the high impact plastic sheen are three times larger than the rest of the guys in the gaggle (this is a translation from the original goose word meaning “Fraternal order of…”).  These ridiculously large decoys are extremely helpful when your lead goose at the time is near-sighted.  Also, should you have no established blind at hand in which to hide yourself and your howitzer and no tree line or brush to cover your presence, you can acquire a goose decoy engineered for you to hide in.  That’s right, a playhouse for waterfowl hunters; a goose fort complete with peep holes and a quick pop-top so you can get out and bag your prey before they have a chance to realize that this is the mother of all geese, Moby Goose, King Canada, the big… well, you have to be quick before they realize that if this goose wants this field then maybe they should just leave her to it and head to the next one.  Geese have no sense of proportion, but that doesn’t mean they’re stupid!

            Another accessible decoy which has the advantage of being simple to transport and deploy is what I call the “yard sign” type.  This decoy is presented in a waterproof photo quality print on a solid backing complete with a stake or two to anchor them in the ground.  They stack flat and go up fast.  The problem is, from where the hunter is standing they look like geese, but from the air, which is where a large percentage of geese fly, they look like flat boards with something on them.  They have been known to work, but mostly with developmentally impaired waterfowl or those with an acute sense of curiosity.  These decoys do look good, though, and are available in full color for an additional charge.  It should be noted, however, that snow geese are white and Canada geese are shades of grey and if that doesn’t keep you from spending the extra money, keep in mind that geese are color blind.

            The last important part of the gear package is the insulated coverall.  Proper waterfowl coveralls should be water repellant and insulated with a layering of waterproof down and feathers positioned in a common orientation…  Wait, these are coveralls the geese wear.  Your coveralls should be made of synthetics which supply water resistance and retain their isulative qualities when wet.  A few more of those double cheeseburgers and fries will offer additional insulation, but it’s easier to carry the coveralls.  In addition, it seems your coveralls need to be purchased in some registered camouflage pattern.  Before you go off to purchase the perfect color and pattern of expensive coveralls, you should know that they don’t really have a “real reed” or “corn stubble” pattern so you can hide effectively in a slough or furrow somewhere.  The color of your coveralls probably makes no difference as long as they’re warm, but many of you do want to be fashionable in the field

            Now, if you really wanted camouflage goose hunting coveralls, you would set up your decoys and sit in the midst of them wearing coveralls with geese all over them.  Sure they look like ‘jammies with feet, but come on, if a goose the size of a Buick will work, so will these!

There are many looks to hunting season, many small nuances which will tip-off an astute individual that it’s that time of the year.  Shotguns in the window racks of pickups.  Big decoy and ammo displays in sporting good stores.  “Welcome Hunters” signs the size of railroad cars plastered onto any liquor establishment with enough surface area to hold the banner without sliding off its foundation in a strong wind. 

One of the most obvious ways is the increased appearance of “camouflage” clothing.  This is a tool of great help in keeping you hidden from deer, turkey, snipe, waterfowl, antelope, elk, wives and various and sundry salesmen who come to your door (even though you should remember they’re only doing their job.)  Camouflage can also help you in hunting for compliments and members of the opposite sex.  These last two, however, while using the same basic premise, require different applications.  These should be covered later…and by a different writer.

Camouflage is actually a French word meaning “the art of dressing like a tree”…I think.  Modern usage as a verb means “to look stupid in the mall.”  Since this is a quite common pastime in malls across America, camouflage fits right in, so to speak.  To be truthful, several years ago I thought I had missed the beginning of hunting season altogether, until I figured out that “camo” was the fashionable style that week.  A point to keep in mind is to watch whether the total ensemble makes tactical sense.  In other words, camo shorts and shirt with a red leather vest, yellow stocking cap and white Nike’s is probably a fashion statement.  Another thing to look for is rank insignia.  Using the “frequent camo” method of hunting season recognition takes a more discriminating eye if you live near a military installation.

In truth, camouflage can be any shape, form, color or gender which would break up the lines and hide the true nature of an object.  Actually, I threw that last one if for fun, but I guess it could be used if you were trying to crash a N.O.W. meeting or attempting to get into the women’s locker room after a championship mud wrestling tournament.  Purely for journalistic reasons, mind you.  To do so for any other purpose would be unethical and I would not suggest such a thing – as a matter of fact, let’s just pretend I didn’t and forget the whole thing.

Where was I?  Oh, yes!  Early Native Americans, say, really early ones that got up before sunrise, used camouflage long ago.  Of course, they didn’t call it that.  The many different tribes had different names for it.  Translated roughly, it meant “acquiring dinner,” and it was just part of a larger process.  These Native Americans would use many different things for camouflage including domesticated animals, animal skins, stalking screens and even decorative, brightly colored paints.  The most effective method of hunting camouflage they developed was the stalking horse.  The hunter would approach the quarry hiding behind a grazing horse, careful to keep behind the legs of the animal.  It was possible to stealthily approach the rocks in this manner – after all, that’s mostly all there is in a quarry – rocks.  This did, however, work equally well with real game.  So effective was the stalking horse method of camouflage that it is now outlawed for waterfowl hunting by federal statute…Honest.

Another technique employed was the stalking screen, a thatch screen or some type of brush the hunter could hide behind while sneaking up on the animal.  In this way the animal sees only innocuous, non-threatening items.  Care has to be taken to approach only when the animal is looking away.  This makes sense because, at least I would think an attacking bush would be more intimidating than a hunter ANY day.

The animal skin method is already well known and is even part of the English language in the form of the saying “a wolf in sheep’s clothing.”  While this works, it has fallen into disuse in modern times.  Probably because it would be imprudent to throw a deer skin over yourself and wander around with other deer in the field during hunting season.

Even the Native American use of paints helped to hide them by breaking up the human form.  This method was used with some success for camouflaging merchant ships from submarine attacks during World War I.  I don’t mean they painted up the crew in war paint or that they hired Native Americans to run the ship.  What they did was paint the ships in strange geometric patterns of lines and blocks.  The ships would then blend right in with the brightly colored, geometrically shaped islands which everyone knows dot the Atlantic…

Don’t even pretend to believe that!  Actually any pattern besides that of a ship made it difficult for the eyeball-aimed-torpedo-shooters of World War I to gauge the speed and distance of the merchant ships, thereby making them harder to hit.  Today’s computerized targeting systems don’t fall for these tricks, although sometimes very large oil tankers will fall for the “land-camouflaged-as-water” ploy, especially Alaska or Norway or some other northern locale.  This is why we have these huge oil tanker accidents in these areas.  I think the close proximity to the North Pole causes all those lines of magnetic force to get tangled up in the navigational wiring or something.

During World War II the use of camouflage became more intense due to increased aerial surveillance (looking) and attacks (bombing stuff).  Later military action (which were not wars, no matter what they seemed like while dodging small arms fire) promoted further development of these techniques due to increased guerilla warfare.  Many of the soldiers exposed to these tactics brought the advanced methods of camouflage home to use in the field of hunting…or in the field for hunting.  Either-or.

This brings us to the commercial development of modern camouflage.  Originally, any clothing in an olive drab color was considered camouflage enough, and it’s true that anyone wearing an outfit in this color becomes virtually indistinguishable while standing next to a convoy of trucks painted the same color.  The consistency of one color, however, does little to break up the specific outline of the human form.

The next step was the standard of large areas of multiple shades of green, or the “camo” design which most people picture when the word is mentioned.  This pattern became very popular.  People used the design for all their hunting related equipment from firearms to coolers.  Some of them even painted their vehicles with this motif.  If you’re a hunter,  I don’t recommend this unless you are adept at patching small holes in metal, glass repair or other useful aspects of auto-body mechanics.

I do know a man, an ardent hunter (read: obsessed), who painted his whole house, below the shingles, with the standard camo-pattern.  He even had olive drab curtains and draperies.  He was quite proud of his small, stucco duck blind set on a corner behind a few trees and when he was finished on a Saturday afternoon he went downtown to tell everyone about it.  All of the conversations he initiated had two things in common:

1)     The camo house

2)     Beer

After he had talked to everyone he could find and closed all the local pubs in the small town, he walked the streets all night looking for his house, spending the last few hours before dawn (and most of the AM) in a liquefied state on a cot in the jail house.  He has since painted the house pink with white shutters.  His pickup, however, remains to be found.

          Anyway, since then there have been further commercial advances in the realm of personal camouflage.  Now, for example, you can purchase clothing and equipment which will blend into any environment:  snow, lightly colored fall foliage, desert sand and finely patterned trees or bark.  These advances themselves have caused a new problem.  In countryside full of defenders with guns who are looking to repel the aggressors, blending into the surroundings is a good thing.  In an area swarming with armed personnel not specifically out to shoot you, looking like a chokecherry bush can be, uh, detrimental to your continued well being.  As the quality and use of camouflage clothing has increased, accidental shootings have increased proportionately.  This means people who were well proportioned got shot more often…I think.

          Whatever the problem was, there was a problem (it’s hard to argue with this type of logic, isn’t it?).  Eventually, after much thought, consideration and pressure from the boss to revive the floundering personal camo market, an informed someone came up with a most wonderful idea:  Since most all big game is color blind, why not impose a camouflage pattern on something safer.  Say, a color which does not occur in nature, like – BLAZE ORANGE!

          Those of you who are color blind yourselves or even totally blind can recognize this color by its sound.  Yes, scientifically this color causes such a wide range of light vibration that it actually transcends into the audible vibratory range.  This is a wonderful invention for use in being seem by people who are sporting shrub shooters.  I call this bright orange pattern “Camo-flag”, since it attracts attention and has drastically reduced the incidence of accidental shootings, while not having a substantial effect on the big game harvest.

          Now, it’s true that camo-flag doesn’t work with turkeys, a prey which is not color blind.  Camo-flag is not generally used in archery hunting, either.  For this you need a complete camouflage outfit including gloves, headnet and dull boots…all in NEON GLOW GREEN!